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Dear Amare: Part Four

I hope you realize that I am not a complicated girl. I don’t want anything fancy. You don’t have to buy me diamonds or give me the stars. I won’t demand for flowers or anything that sparkles. You don’t have to make poems or write me songs. I don’t need them.

I just want to cuddle. Talk. Fall in love. Eat cotton candy flavored ice cream (cookies and cream would be good,too.) Back pack our way to infinity and beyond. Gaze at the stars and make a wish. And, mark you with a red lipstick as I whisper “you’re mine” as you envelope me with your loving arms. I swear, I’ll never feel safer anywhere else but there.

That’s all I need. You’re all I need.

Dear Amare: Part Three

So, I told myself: “If you will love someone, may I suggest you love yourself?”

So, I did.

Maybe someday, I’ll learn how to tell you this,

“This is where the road ends for you and me. We had a good run though, didn’t we?”

That someday is when I unlearn to love you like this.

Dear Mr. Y

When it comes to you, I am constantly torn between “if it’s meant to be it will be” and “if you really want it go get it.”. Sometimes your presence gets too overwhelming and my poor little heart can only contain so much. My heart and mind are constantly arguing about letting go and holding on a little longer. Every part of my weak heart is struggling to beat for you. But my equally stressed out mind is shouting “ENOUGH!”.

To be completely honest, I feel kinda exhausted. I am too exhausted that I just don’t want to feel it anymore. Hey, loving you is exhausting. But, as exhausting as it is, I would like you to know that I’d still choose you in a million lifetimes, in a thousand worlds, and in any version of reality. I would make sure to find you and I’d choose you over and over again.

But, if your love isn’t going to be greater than your uncertainties and fears, I guess I will have to spend my million lifetimes, thousand worlds, and all my version of reality in forgetting about you. I don’t want to spend eternity holding on to my imaginary “happily ever after”. I’d rather spend my only lifetime in my own world with my only version of reality holding on to something that is real. Because that’s how it is supposed to be and that’s how it’s gonna be from now on.

Prologue

So I was there, staring blankly into a blank Microsoft Word page, thinking about a way to start a love-hate letter. I stared at it for too long that I almost became cross eyed. I don’t even know what I’m looking at anymore. I guess there’s no perfect way to start this kind of letter. I don’t know which part should come first, the hate or the love part. After a few minutes of staring at it blankly, I wrote the first word. It was his name. Just the sight of it gives me butterflies in my stomach and a heavy heart. I almost went numb. I shrug some unwanted thoughts off my head. But, the next thing I know, I’m pressing ‘backspace’ on the keyboard deleting what I just wrote. Then, I clicked on the ‘X’ on the upper right side of the screen to close the application.

“Do you want to save some changes?”
Save. Don’t Save. Cancel.

I clicked on “Don’t Save”. That was it. I am, once again, left with nothing but my unspoken words, unwritten letters and my ever silent screams and heartaches. I secretly succumb to self-destruction. I really thought that it is impossible to break a broken heart but there you are again killing every single part of my heart that feels alive. But, I made a choice. Don’t save. I chose not to save my heart.

Dear Mr. X

There are many things I want to be but when it comes to you, I just want to be the woman you’ve always dreamed of.

I want to be the woman who you’d think about whenever someone asks you a question about love. I want to be the first person who will pop in your mind whenever you hear or read the word LOVE. I want to be the love of your life. I promise you won’t regret it. I promise I won’t be complicated and we will only have awesome memories.

I want to make you happy that you ask yourself if you’re dreaming. So happy that you get a butterfly riot in your stomach whenever you hear my name. So happy that you forget about those times you were sad. So happy you forget about your scars. So happy that smiling hurts and you can’t take it off your face.

I want to be the woman you let your family meet. And, before we do that I will find you beside me, holding my hand, kissing me in my forehead and whispering “Don’t worry. They’ll love you.”. I want to listen to your mother’s story about your childhood as she showcases you baby pictures. I want to hear the things your father has to say about you. I want to hear him tease you that you should treat me the way he treats your mother. I want your sisters to like me as much as I like them. I want them to be the sisters I never had. And you, I want you to watch your family fall in love with me because I love them as much as you do. And, I want you to secretly smile as you do that.

I want to be the woman that you’ll wait for in the altar. I want to be the mother of your children. I want to be the woman you’ll wait for in the altar 50 years after. I want to be the one who will sit beside you as you tell our grandchildren about our epic love story.

I want to be the woman who makes you appreciate the world more. I want to make you see the perfection of the imperfect things. I want to see the world with you so that if there will come a time that I will have to leave you, you can feel me everywhere you go.

I want to be better than what you have imagined. I want to be more than what you have expected me to be. Too perfect that you question if I am real. I want to be the reason why you believe that God wants you to be happy so He gave me to you. I want to be anything you want me to be. I want to make you happy.

I want you to choose me, pick me, love me. And I want to be the one who loves you. I want to love you until it hurts and love you more until it hurts no more. Let me love you. Let me prove to you that no one can love you better than I do. I don’t want to sound desperate but let me. Please. Let me.

But, even if I won’t be all these, I just want to be the woman who loved you with all her heart. The woman who lost herself in loving you. The woman who is a lot stronger because she was forbidden to love you. The woman you could have had and the woman you never had.

Dear Mister

You have no idea what I feel about you. You have no idea that I care about you a lot. I think you’re cool without trying too hard. I think you have a sexy mind. You have no idea how you make me happy and sad at the same time. You have no idea how fast the butterlies move in my stomach when I hear from you. I am scared to tell you I like you but I realize that what’s really scary is not telling you when I have the chance. You have no idea how much I cried for you. You have no idea how crazy I get at times knowing that you might not feel the same. You have no idea of the tears I always try to hide. You have no idea how much I miss you…I miss us. You have no idea how you’ve grown on me as the time went by. You have no idea how much you’re hurting me. You have no idea what you really mean to me.

Or maybe you already have an idea…you just chose not to care. Or maybe you’re really scared that it won’t work,

I am now letting go of all the things I imagined about us. I am now letting go of my feelings for you. I am choosing happiness by letting go of you.

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