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Hey, winner!

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        To anyone whose goal is to bring joy into people’s lives or to at least just remind people to be joyful all the time. To anyone who knows how to choose when to fight and when to put down the sword and back down for a while. To anyone who believes that sometimes moving forward means taking a step back even if it means breaking his own heart. To anyone who loves without conditions. To anyone who gives without any anticipation of something in return. To anyone who always puts a smile on people’s faces. To anyone who serves God joyfully and willingly. To anyone who patiently listens to people’s rants, outbursts and tantrums. To anyone who always go the extra mile. I want you to know this.

       You deserve all the joy in the world. You deserve to have a genuine smile painted on your face all the time. Never let someone steal that smile because no one can wear it better than you. Remember those battles you chose not to fight? You’ve won them all. Remember those battles you chose to fight silently on your own? You’ve won them too. You are a winner in many ways, in many forms. It may not seem like it but believe me, you are. You may not have the prize but the lessons and realizations that come along with it are your greatest reward. I’ve never seen a courageous warrior who is strong enough to choose not to fight and love himself instead. Everything is a part of your preparation. So by the time that you will be faced with a battle that is worth the fight, you can triumphantly come out of it. You deserve all the love that you are getting or even more. You deserve a love that will sweep you off your feet and a love that will allow everything to make sense. A love that doesn’t just feel good on the outside but a love that brings peace in your heart. You have so much love to offer. I pray that you find someone who deserves it all. But for now, if you will love someone, may I suggest you love yourself? Because among everyone, it’s you who deserves it the most. Never forget that you are likable – lovable even. I hope everything that you are giving to everyone – time, attention, affection and care – be given back to you generously. If you find it insufficient, I hope you find what is lacking within yourself. God appreciates all your effort and your service. I am sure He has a wonderful reward waiting for you; more than what you are praying for; more than what you can handle. Be prepared and let Him surprise you. I hope you find ears who will patiently listen to your sentiments as well. Someone who will sit with you and let you do the endless talking on how your day was. Someone who won’t just nod and pretend to be interested but someone who will take everything into heart. I hope you find someone you can call home. Someone whose presence is more than enough. Someone who will make you say “I have won the fight.”

With the love of the Lord,

The Rebirth of Summertime Sadness

Can you feel it? The burning sensation of the summer heat?

It’s exciting and alarming all at once.

It causes my heart to beat faster than usual remembering that one summer in my life. That summer that is different from any other summer. That summer when the heat burned twice as much or even more; because it burned not just my skin but also my heart. It left me some scars. It haunts me every now and then like a horror story with an open end. Nobody knows what happened to the characters. Nobody knows what happened next. Nobody knows what happened after she stopped crying behind closed doors. Nobody knows what happened during winter and how she convinced herself that she’s fine. Nobody understands what really happened. Nobody tried.

My mind is so full of voices saying “Find out what happened. Open that door again. It’s not yet the end. Remember everything. Rewrite it. Choose how it ends.” I am overwhelmed by my own thoughts that I forget the much quieter voice saying “Keep calm because it’s over.”

I don’t know why am I remembering this now. But, every time the sun beams at me, it brings sadness that I don’t understand. Every time I stare at it, I see you and it hurts my eyes. I can always choose to look away but I keep on looking because that is my only way to remember you. Because that is who you are, a painful memory.

Then, I remember winter, the cold breeze that calmed my soul, the freezing cold that numbed my heart, the comforting warm hugs that melted the ice that imprisoned my heart and set it free, the strong wind that blew every bad memory away, the gloomy nights that allowed me to cry and gave a much deeper meaning to loneliness, the longer nights that enabled me to hug myself longer in bed (self love).

I think about all the good things that happened right after that summer. They’re so good, I don’t really wanna know what truly happened on that particular summer at all.

Summertime Sadness? Uhhmmm… how about No?

Dear Amare: Part Four

I hope you realize that I am not a complicated girl. I don’t want anything fancy. You don’t have to buy me diamonds or give me the stars. I won’t demand for flowers or anything that sparkles. You don’t have to make poems or write me songs. I don’t need them.

I just want to cuddle. Talk. Fall in love. Eat cotton candy flavored ice cream (cookies and cream would be good,too.) Back pack our way to infinity and beyond. Gaze at the stars and make a wish. And, mark you with a red lipstick as I whisper “you’re mine” as you envelope me with your loving arms. I swear, I’ll never feel safer anywhere else but there.

That’s all I need. You’re all I need.

Dear Amare: Part Three

So, I told myself: “If you will love someone, may I suggest you love yourself?”

So, I did.

Maybe someday, I’ll learn how to tell you this,

“This is where the road ends for you and me. We had a good run though, didn’t we?”

That someday is when I unlearn to love you like this.

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I want to stop writing about you. But, every time I try to, you keep invading my thoughts; blocking everything so all I could think about is you. You always make me feel that a part of myself is missing. I think I left it with you. I need it back so I can be my complete self again. But then, I ask myself…does it mean I need you? I don’t want to need you.

The Vow: An Excerpt

If there is a song that could perfectly describe my process of waiting for you it would be Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years”. I know it’s quite a cliché because that song has been used in many weddings during its era. But, hey, I died everyday waiting for you. Darling, don’t you know that I have loved you for a thousand years and I’ll love you for a thousand more.

I knew I loved you before I met you. In fact, I missed you even though we have never met each other yet. Have you experienced that feeling of homesickness for a place that you have never been to? I ached for you every day. I have always longed for your warm embrace. I craved for your gentle kisses every morning when I wake up. Every time something good happens to me, I always wished that you are there to share the happiness with me or share the sadness when it strikes. I imagined us cuddling in bed all day on a lazy Friday. I imagined you sitting on my couch while waiting for the dinner that I have prepared for you. I imagined you telling me I am a good cook even though we both know that I am only good at frying eggs and sausages. But, you appreciate me trying to cook a decent meal. I imagined us doing things together every day except when we need a time out from each other and be with our own set of friends. I imagined you meeting my family for the very first time. I imagined you getting along with them because you know that they love you. I imagined you meeting my best friends and dealing with awkward glances of the women in my life. I imagined you excusing yourself to go to the toilet when the truth is you just want to secretly send me a message that my friends are crazy and you feel a bit awkward around them. Without you knowing it, I’ll tell my friends about it and you’ll be surprised because by the time you get back on the table, you’ll find a totally different set of people. They’ll be nicer and more accommodating because that’s really how they are. No more awkward glances because the truth is, they really like you. I imagined us going home together and you’ll tell me how much you enjoyed the night. I imagined you giving me a goodnight kiss as you watch me close the front door of our house. I imagined an “I miss you already” text message just a second after we said goodnight. And, the “I love you” before we sleep and the “I love you in the morning” when we wake up.

Okay, I know that’s kinda cheesy. But, who doesn’t love cheese?

They told me to dance with God because when I do, He will only let the worthy man to cut in. I am more than glad that finally, God let you cut in. It took us endless dances before He finally gave me to you. I almost thought that the dance would never end. I turned down some guys who invited me for a dance because I knew that they will never be you. Because I know that someday, you will come. And here you are. Real and tangible. Now that you are finally in my life and we are dancing even though we don’t really know how. I don’t care if you step on my foot. We’ll figure it out together. We can change the music if we have to. Or we don’t really have to dance. We just have to stand still hand in hand, look into each other’s eyes and read each other’s lips.

If you’ll ask me how long will I love you… I’ll love you for a thousand years…and longer if I could.

To be continued…

Dear Mr. X

There are many things I want to be but when it comes to you, I just want to be the woman you’ve always dreamed of.

I want to be the woman who you’d think about whenever someone asks you a question about love. I want to be the first person who will pop in your mind whenever you hear or read the word LOVE. I want to be the love of your life. I promise you won’t regret it. I promise I won’t be complicated and we will only have awesome memories.

I want to make you happy that you ask yourself if you’re dreaming. So happy that you get a butterfly riot in your stomach whenever you hear my name. So happy that you forget about those times you were sad. So happy you forget about your scars. So happy that smiling hurts and you can’t take it off your face.

I want to be the woman you let your family meet. And, before we do that I will find you beside me, holding my hand, kissing me in my forehead and whispering “Don’t worry. They’ll love you.”. I want to listen to your mother’s story about your childhood as she showcases you baby pictures. I want to hear the things your father has to say about you. I want to hear him tease you that you should treat me the way he treats your mother. I want your sisters to like me as much as I like them. I want them to be the sisters I never had. And you, I want you to watch your family fall in love with me because I love them as much as you do. And, I want you to secretly smile as you do that.

I want to be the woman that you’ll wait for in the altar. I want to be the mother of your children. I want to be the woman you’ll wait for in the altar 50 years after. I want to be the one who will sit beside you as you tell our grandchildren about our epic love story.

I want to be the woman who makes you appreciate the world more. I want to make you see the perfection of the imperfect things. I want to see the world with you so that if there will come a time that I will have to leave you, you can feel me everywhere you go.

I want to be better than what you have imagined. I want to be more than what you have expected me to be. Too perfect that you question if I am real. I want to be the reason why you believe that God wants you to be happy so He gave me to you. I want to be anything you want me to be. I want to make you happy.

I want you to choose me, pick me, love me. And I want to be the one who loves you. I want to love you until it hurts and love you more until it hurts no more. Let me love you. Let me prove to you that no one can love you better than I do. I don’t want to sound desperate but let me. Please. Let me.

But, even if I won’t be all these, I just want to be the woman who loved you with all her heart. The woman who lost herself in loving you. The woman who is a lot stronger because she was forbidden to love you. The woman you could have had and the woman you never had.

Dear Mister

You have no idea what I feel about you. You have no idea that I care about you a lot. I think you’re cool without trying too hard. I think you have a sexy mind. You have no idea how you make me happy and sad at the same time. You have no idea how fast the butterlies move in my stomach when I hear from you. I am scared to tell you I like you but I realize that what’s really scary is not telling you when I have the chance. You have no idea how much I cried for you. You have no idea how crazy I get at times knowing that you might not feel the same. You have no idea of the tears I always try to hide. You have no idea how much I miss you…I miss us. You have no idea how you’ve grown on me as the time went by. You have no idea how much you’re hurting me. You have no idea what you really mean to me.

Or maybe you already have an idea…you just chose not to care. Or maybe you’re really scared that it won’t work,

I am now letting go of all the things I imagined about us. I am now letting go of my feelings for you. I am choosing happiness by letting go of you.

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HOPE

What’s going on? What’s wrong with you? Why are you feeling down since Sunday? I thought attending the mass and having a quiet moment in the Adoration Chapel will help you get over that mountain of emotions you’re trying to overcome? But why are you still like that? Do you think it’s still normal to feel that way?

Lately, I have been noticing that you sleep a lot. Remember that one time when you went to a coffee shop with friends and you’re not even aware that you fell asleep? They just woke you up when it’s time to go home. Seriously, did you just go there to sleep? And, the moment you opened your eyes you felt lost and clueless of what happened that night. That’s why you are so surprised when a video of you sleeping came out the next day. And, last Monday night, you slept earlier than usual but still felt like you didn’t get enough sleep the next day. And then last night, I can’t believe you slept around 8pm, on the wrong side of the bed, with your ipad playing Bo Sanchez’ talk about “Developing a Positive Mindset”. If your roommate didn’t wake you up I bet you overslept and failed to go to work. Why do you always unconsciously fall into a deep slumber? Do you find comfort in sleeping because it’s such a chore to stay awake? This is starting to bother me. Seriously.

And, you are so unmotivated these past few days. I feel like you are not in the mood to do anything or to talk to anyone (not even to your closest friends). You don’t even respond to viber messages. I don’t know what to do to you anymore. I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better. I tried but you just fall asleep everytime I try to talk to you. Sometimes I want to shake you until you wake up and see the beauty of a new day that God has given you to enjoy. I want to understand you; I really do. I want to know how one day you are in a very good mood and days later it seems like the whole world is on your shoulder. I thought you are over this stage? I thought you’ve finally found the happiness that you’ve been running after for so long. I thought you’ve had your life’s turning point? I thought you’re tired of being this way? I thought you’re tired of being sad so you just woke up one day and decided that you don’t want to be like that anymore? But, look at you now; You’re back to your old self. Do you want to be like that again? Isn’t it more enjoyable if you will just, for goodness sake, decide to be happy and not overthink things? How come some people lost someone they love and they can still wake up every morning with a smile on their faces and you who lost nothing regrets each day before you even start it?

Let me assure you. Remember what Bo Sanchez said? “The last chapter of your life has been written and it has a happy ending.” Isn’t that assurance enough for you to go on with life no matter how emotionally and mentally tired you are? Isn’t that enough for you to enjoy the rain while waiting for the rainbow? Don’t just sleep. Wake up. Screw the world. See the world. Go out with positive friends. Stop overthinking. Stop torturing yourself. Breathe in and out. Can you just realize how lucky you are to be able to do that? Stop looking for what’s lacking in your life and focus on what you have. Let go of the past and look forward to what the future can bring. It may be a little stormy now but it won’t rain forever. Find happiness in little things. Count your blessings. Let go and Let God. Develop a personal relationship with Him. Pray often because there’s no better feeling than the feeling you get after praying. I know you can’t do all these in a snap of a finger but you’ll get there. One day, you will learn how to deal with life’s disappointments and imperfections. You won’t cry yourself to sleep. You won’t feel a day feeling awful. You won’t beg people to appreciate you. You will be alright.

Never give up. HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends.

 

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I will never get tired of cheering you up. But, please listen to me sometimes.

Your best friend and worst enemy,

Yourself.

P.S. I hope the days to come will be awesome. Hey, I love you, you idiot. 😀

Dear Thirty Something Me

Well, hello there! How are you businesswoman? I bet the business is doing great because you have been very busy lately. Am I right? Keep it up, girl! I know you’ve always wanted to be your own boss. You deserve all the blessings you are getting. Brace yourself, free your hands because more blessing are about to come. All your hard work and sacrifices paid off. You’re finally the captain of your own ship and be calm for you are going in the right direction.

But, don’t be too occupied. Take a break. Perhaps a trip to the beach with your long time friends will do. Shall I book that ticket to Boracay? or Cebu? or La Union? or maybe you want to try Phuket? Come on and book that flight before your much anticipated trip to Paris. Oh, Good time. Lucky You!

Oh, before I forget, how are the twins? Are you enjoying motherhood? They are so cute. Adorable. I can’t stop looking at them especially when they are asleep. It still amazes me how much God trusted you with the lives of those little babies on your hands. They are perfect. I know sleepless nights are hard but I can read on your face how happy you have become since they were born. How’s ???? as a first time dad? I bet he is thrilled too. Whenever I picture a happy family I always think about yours. Your house is full of love and happiness.

Okay, gotta go. I need to run some errands. Grocery shopping is always fun. And, I think I will do some shopping too.

I Love You. I can’t wait to be you.

Oh life, the best is yet to come. Cheers!

Love,

Twenty Something You