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Doctor: You Might Be Covid19 Positive

“I think you should call 16000 and ask if you can be tested.” The doctor told me after telling him how I feel.

Anxious. I tried to defend myself as he asked his nurse to give him a pair of gloves and a face shield before he examines me. That day, I went home more anxious than ever.

It was February 27 when my husband came home and told me the news. They will start rescuing citizens of the country where we reside from infected countries. They will bring them home and put them in a hotel for quarantine.  There was no known case here during that time. But the government gotta do what they gotta do to keep their citizens safe and expats like us don’t really have a say on that matter. February 28 when we transferred to our new house since we are newly married. We were excited to start a new life together in a house that feels like home. We were excited to invite family and friends over. But, 2:00 AM of March 1, 2020 when I woke up with severe body pain, chills, and a sore throat. I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. We drove our way to the only nearby clinic that is open. The doctor examined my throat, told me I have pharyngitis, prescribed antibiotics and ibuprofen and sent me home. I rested and skipped work the following day.

I was hopeful that maybe after finishing the course of my medications, I will finally get better. I was wrong. My condition did not improve so I went to see another doctor. With the same diagnosis, he sent me home and gave me paracetamol. The sore throat persisted. I have learned how to manage it and was able to go to work.

At work, I used to check the news about the pandemic every morning and would report it to my colleagues. So the citizens were already repatriated and now in quarantine. Days later, they started confirming cases. 3 cases will be 6 after a few days. 6 will suddenly become 8. And now, there are thousands of confirmed cases. In a country this small, having thousands of confirmed cases can be quite frightening. It was then when I started having anxiety. My panic attacks are like a thief in the night.

At the same time, stress from work became intolerable. The number of positive cases are going up everyday. The work continues. There were no restrictions. I interact with different people on a daily basis. For someone who is not feeling well and anxious, the thought of going to work everyday was excruciating. I have been absent from work for a week. My boss said I have to come to work even if I’m dying. That pushed me to resign. It didn’t help with my anxiety at all. I was obliged to come to work to finish my notice period. Every time I come home from work, my anxiety level was high. My heart was palpitating.

My sore throat persisted. I went to another doctor and then to another one. They all gave me the same diagnosis and the same medicines. Another doctor thought I have acid reflux so I took a lot of medications for acid reflux. I have tried different gargles and home remedies but nothing seemed to work. I started having body pains and chills from time to time. One time my sore throat got really intense and I went back to my doctor. “Why are you so afraid of corona? I think your anxiety is causing you this.” I felt judged and offended. I was not joking. I do have a sore throat.  I told myself that I would go to a different doctor and will seek for another and final opinion.

I have seen 4 different doctors already and went to 3 different hospitals. It’s crazy. I asked recommendations from friends for a good ENT Doctor. Many sent me messages. (Thank you, guys!)

One of my friends works as a nurse and asked me to try their ENT doctor. She immediately booked me an appointment.

My tolerance for pain is really low. I can’t handle injections or blood tests. So when the doctor conducted an endoscopy from my nose to my throat, I almost fainted. He told me I have an inflamed lymph nodes. He ordered a blood test and a neck ultrasound. We went back the next day for all the procedures. The neck ultrasound turned out fine except for the inflamed lymph nodes which can go away on its own. But, my white blood cells (WBC) was high which means that there is an infection.

The doctor gave me antibiotics. He ordered me to get intravenous antibiotics for 3 days. Those days were excruciating. We had to go back to the clinic everyday so I could get an IV antibiotic since it works faster than oral ones. I felt better but on the third day, the doctor examined my throat once more. He said “You feel better but your throat is still congested. Usually, patients who receive IV antibiotics get better after the second dose.” He extended my medications. He ordered oral antibiotics and told me to take it for 5 more days. So I did. I did not get better. So I went back to see my ENT doctor. He did the usual examination and ordered 4 more oral antibiotics and told me that it would get better after that. When I finished my medications, I went for a final check up. Another endoscopy. It is a lot more painful than the first time I had it. I nearly choked. The doctor told me that all is well. I will start getting better in no time. My husband and I happily exited the hospital and wished to never have to come back to that place again.

Later that night, I started feeling a severe pain in my throat and I started feeling unwell. I thought maybe I can sleep it off. I was awaken by body pains and chills around 2 in the morning which was hard to ignore. I took paracetamol and hoped to get better. I usually feel better during the day and would feel body pains at night. I tried to self medicate for a few days. Until one time, I suddenly felt so weak. My legs felt sore. It continued until the next day. I tried to fight it out. But it only got worse.

My husband and I have exhausted all medical help. I have seen 6 different doctors in 4 different hospitals. Nobody can diagnose me. I can feel how stressed out my husband was. With the current pandemic, it is stressful to go back and forth to hospitals. We have spent a lot of money with consultations, tests, and medications. (Thank God for insurance!). But, among all of these, we have exhausted all our mental and emotional capacity. The fear of the unknown is just too much. My husband seeing me suffer is just too much for him. I knew he felt helpless. We fought about it sometimes. It was really stressful. I can’t even put it into words. For a couple who just got married, I believe we don’t deserve to be stressed out that way at this stage of our marriage. I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful for his love and care. (I might put that in a separate post.) I am grateful that God did not let him get sick knowing how weak his immune system is. I was in so much pain but I was grateful.

Knowing how stressed out my husband was, I was hesitant to tell him to take me to the doctor for the last time. I just need another opinion. So, we decided to see a doctor of internal medicine. He willingly brought me to see my 7th doctor.

The doctor studied my history. He looked at me with a scared look on his face and told me to call the Ministry of Health to ask if I could be tested for Covid19. It has been my greatest fear. The doctor looked so sure of his diagnosis. I felt numb. I felt scared. I felt somehow angry.

He ordered me to get another blood test to see if my WBC is still high. He ordered an Xray to check if there is any sign of pneumonia. He swabbed my throat to check for bacteria. He told me if my WBC remains high it means I still have infection and it is not bacterial because I finished my course of antibiotics and no effect. If the throat swabbed came back negative for bacteria, it only means that my infection is not bacterial, it is viral. Meaning the cause of my infection is a virus. And, the most important test of all, the Xray. It can either make or break me.  Then he sent me home. He reminded me again to call the Ministry of Health and to ask for a test. They would just call me if my test results are out.

I wanted to get over with it so I called them. I told them about my symptoms and my history. The ministry representative was so polite and very comforting. She told me that since I never had a fever, I am not qualified to have the test. However, I should wait for my Xray because it can determine whether I can go for a test or not. Before cutting the call, she reminded me to make sure I wear my mask all the time, to sanitize any surfaces that I touched, and to isolate myself until my Xray result is out. I started to develop an extreme fear. I fear for my husband more than myself. What if I am really infected? What if I infect him? He is asthmatic. I cannot bear the thought.

The waiting time was a complete torture. I cannot wait for another day to get my results. My anxiety level spiked up. I cannot calm myself. I started having chest pains. It felt there’s a big rock on my heart. I felt paralyzed. I cannot move. I was frozen with fear. I didn’t know how I will be able to sleep that night. Fear was all over my body. I wanted to scream and cry but I can’t feed my emotions or else I would totally breakdown.

A video call from my best friend saved me that night. She stayed with me on the phone for hours. We talked about random stuff. We talked about my fears. What’s causing my anxiety? How could I change my perspective?

“Tomorrow will be my judgment day.” I told her.

She told me “It’s not like you’re gonna die tomorrow. Why don’t you look at it in a different way? Instead of thinking about it as a problem, why don’t you just think of it as a solution to your problem? Because tomorrow you can get a diagnosis, and when you get the right diagnosis, you can get a proper treatment and eventually you will get better. If it is Covid, yes it is scary, but your symptoms are mild. I am sure your body can fight it.”

She made sense.  She always does. I felt better.

We said our goodnights and I took one capsule of melatonin to aid me to sleep.

Wrong decision. It didn’t help me sleep. Worse, it caused me severe abdominal pain.

We went back to the hospital. I complained about my abdominal pain. My doctor associated it again with Covid. I was almost convinced that I have Covid. It fed my anxiety even more.

So my test results came out.

My swab test came back negative with bacteria.

My WBC was higher than before.

All of these are red flags for the doctor to consider me as a Covid positive patient.

The Xray was clear for pneumonia. It was a relief.

But still, the doctor can’t rule out Covid. He was as frustrated as I was because we don’t understand why my WBC was still high despite taking 3 different antibiotics. He ordered more tests. I told him that the ministry representative made it clear to me that they will never test me if my Xray came out clear. But, my doctor insisted that there’s still a possibility for Covid. He mentioned how he once had a patient whose Xray came out clear but still turned out to be positive. He suggested I take a CT Scan for my lungs, abdominal ultrasound, blood smear, and Urine Analysis. They said the CT Scan is clearer than Xray. They have discovered Covid patients by doing a CT Scan.

My husband and I were fed up with the idea of Covid that our doctor kept on insisting so we spoke up. We told him that maybe there’s a different disease that we can’t diagnose because we are stuck with the idea of Covid.

“Doctor, I started having sore throat on March 1, that was 2 months ago. I never had a fever. And I have interacted with a lot of people during those times. If I am infected, I would’ve infected a lot of people already. They’re all fine. My husband is asthmatic, if there is someone that I would infect first, it would be him. He’s still fine. And you can’t tell me to let the ministry test me because no matter what I do, they won’t. You kept on saying that I have Covid. You have no idea how much anxiety it is causing me. It’s too much.” I was about to cry but I was able to stop it.

There was silence.

I think the doctor was in shock and he may be contemplating what we just said.

The doctor asked about my medical history, it was then that I remembered that I had my blood tested September last year. Thank Goodness for the modern technology. I can access my previous results online. I opened my profile. It turned out that my WBC was the same level as it was last year. Apparently, this might be my normal range.  My WBC is naturally high.

“Why didn’t you tell me about it? We kept on trying to find out what’s wrong. I kept on talking about Covid because it is really strange that your WBC is still high despite the antibiotics.”

We were all relieved. But we still decided to go for the further testing. I complained about my anxiety and how I cannot sleep. He gave me antihistamine to help me sleep.

On that same day, I had an abdominal ultrasound, CT Scan of the chest, blood smear, and urine analysis. It was exhausting. We were in the hospital for nearly 8 hours. We haven’t eaten yet. We were emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially exhausted.

The next day, I received a call from the doctor. I knew it from the start that my CT scan would come out clear.

“Your CT Scan was okay. So, no Covid.” We both laughed.

“We found small stones in your kidney, bacteria in your urine, Vitamin D deficiency, and a possible cyst in your ovary.”

The doctor finally ruled out Covid, but the anxiety it caused me needs time before it goes away.

He suggested for me to see other specialists but I chose not to. I don’t want to go back to the hospital again and expose my husband and I. So I just booked a phone consultation with the government hospital.

I had to tell my medical history again and again. After hearing my history, the doctor told me not to worry. Most of the results are incidental findings. The more we do tests, the more we would find that something is wrong. She told me that maybe my anxiety is causing all my symptoms. That if I learn how to manage it, I will start to feel better. He advised me to maintain a healthy lifestyle, get some Vit D from the sun, eat healthy, sleep well, unfollow news about Covid or any triggers, surround myself with positive people, do fun things, plan my day ahead, create a routine and stick to it.

It is really a conscious effort. I knew I had to take some action.

I started unfollowing any Covid related pages and updates. I try to drink as much water as I can. I make sure to have a 30min walk under the sun in front of our building. I reconnect with friends. I started cooking and baking again. I always try my best to keep myself busy. I started to feel stronger physically. There are still some weird physical discomfort at times but I don’t let it bother me as much as I used to before. Slowly, I have gained my physical strength back.

It is not an instant process. I don’t want to force myself to be better so I am taking it slow.

During the time that I was sick, I used to get jealous of people who are in good shape during the quarantine. I used to wish that I, too, can do the things they do. I used to wish that I wasn’t stuck in bed all day. I stopped wishing and I started doing. I helped myself. I accept help from people who care. Even the doctor who thought I had Covid became a friend who calls me everyday to ask about my day and if I am doing okay. I started thinking of my husband’s wellness. And I know he is well if I am well. So instead of doing it for myself, I do it for us.

My previous health battle was truly a test of marriage, a test of character, and a test of faith. I remember praying: “Lord,  we have exhausted all possible medical treatments but nothing seemed to work. I know You are my healer and I trust that this is just a test and you will soon heal me.” I have learned how to surrender fully. I remember the times I held on the cross just so I can sleep. I remember crying out to the Lord to make me feel better. I remember praying over my husband while he sleeps just so he can remain strong and healthy as we both face my situation together. I remember waking up early just so I can pray in front of our altar. I remember questioning God and asking Him what He wants me to take away from this experience. I remember begging Him for strength to endure the pain.  I remember praying over each part of my body that is in pain. I remember staring blankly into our altar trusting that God knows what I want to say when I cannot find the right words.

Being sick for so long and dealing with the fear of the unknown really made a huge impact into my being. I still cry inside whenever I remember. But I cry  even more whenever I remember the love that I receive from family and friends.

There have been a lot of times that I felt weakness in my knees. I used to just stay in bed whenever it happens. But then, I realized that the only thing that I should do when I feel weak in the knees is to kneel down and pray.

Let’s trust that God is healing us. He is healing the world.

                 

 

Happiness

That Friday was one of the most exhausting Fridays I’ve had so far since 2016 started. I went straight to an activity right after a sleepover; which isn’t really a sleepover because I didn’t sleep. I was half awake the whole night trying to put myself to sleep while trapped inside a blanket between my sisters and the next thing I know, the alarm was coming off. It was 5:15 AM and whether I like it or not and whether I was asleep or not, I have to wake up. So, I did.

My day started from there. Spent almost a day in a community activity then went straight to attend another activity which lasted until 9:00 PM. In short, my energy level is close to zero. I just sat down on the floor the entire time while waiting for my friends to finish so we could all attend our friends’ exhibition. I remember falling asleep while waiting. Slept inside the cab and woke up realizing that we couldn’t make it to the exhibition because we don’t have enough time. We decided to just go to a friend’s house and to just stay there until we regain a little amount of energy to go home. We were all tired and quite sad because things didn’t go as planned. Our restless selves ended up inside our friend’s living room. Each of us seated on almost every chair in the room not even saying a word.Until a bright idea popped in our heads, the next thing we know, we were ordering pizza. Once the pizza came, we were on beast mode. That was stress eating at its finest. I don’t know what we’re up to that time. All I know is that we are happy. We are exhausted but we are happy. And in that moment, that is all that matters. The room slowly started to be filled with laughter. We’re actually laughing over silly things. We laughed until our stomachs hurt. We laugh at ourselves. We laughed until we couldn’t laugh anymore. Nothing is better than that.

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Then we realized, we haven’t done that in a while. It feels so good to be able to do it again. We all managed to go to our friends’ exhibition the following day. A lot of expensive jewelries and watches were showcased in the exhibition. Some cost way too much. Do people actually buy stuff as expensive as that? Yes. Because some people just have too much. Then, we realized how expensive their happiness could be. And, are they even happy? They seem like they have everything but do they, really?  They can buy all these fancy stuff. They can buy literally everything they want. They can buy ten times, or even more, of the things that we want. It would take us a few months or even years to buy something that they can buy in a snap. What a wonderful life, we thought. But, are they really happy? Do they go home happy to their million dollar home and to their fancy things in the house, lay in their comfortable bed, but do they really sleep smiling? I don’t judge wealthy people but it makes me think, are they really happy? Will I be happy if I was able to get everything I want? Then, I remember that night with friends. The laughter echoes in my head as we boomerang-ed ourselves. I remember the joy on our faces when the doorbell rang and the pizza delivery man appeared right before our very eyes. The twinkle in our eyes the moment we opened the pizza box and smelled the pizza that is waiting for us; and the sound of satisfaction and relief the moment we finished everything. That very moment I thought to myself, all of us in that room doesn’t have everything in life, some are even struggling, but we are happy. Happiness is indeed priceless. I pray that everybody can get a taste of happiness; the most genuine kind. The kind of happiness that brings joy in our hearts. <3

Prayer:

Lord, teach us to find happiness in simple things; Laughing with friends, accomplishing a simple task at work, laughing at our silly selves, smiles from our family, eating our favorite food, having a restful sleep. May we be able to radiate joy to others because of the joy that you planted in our hearts. May we be contented with what we have instead of feeling sorry for what we don’t have. May we have more priceless moments with the people we love.  May we find the real joy and happiness in You; the only source of joy, the only one who can fill the emptiness in us. Amen.

 

Birthday Love Tank

I guess as we grow older, birthdays become ordinary. You don’t get that special feeling as the day approaches because you know that birthdays are not different than any other day. Unlike when we were kids, we don’t excitedly wake up and expect to get the present that we have been begging our parents for or to blow and have our favorite chocolate cake for breakfast. We don’t expect people to be extra nice to us because it is our birthday. We don’t look forward in wearing our birthday dress at school. We just don’t get too excited about it anymore. It lost all its magic. Period.

On the morning of my birthday, I woke up not realizing that it’s my birthday. I dragged myself out of bed and unwillingly walked towards the bathroom to take a bath. I still don’t remember that it was my birthday; until my housemate told me that there is something on our doorsteps and he thinks it is for me. To my surprise, friends dropped by our house and left some surprises on our doorsteps.

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That is when it sinks in: It’s my birthday! 🙂 What I thought would be an ordinary day became more and more special every minute. Greetings from friends all over the world flooded my social media accounts. I see my face every time I open Facebook. Everyone sending out their love for me in any possible way. I couldn’t help but feel loved. Because I am an adult now, I don’t get to have a birthday off so I just spent most of my day in the office replying to every birthday greeting that comes my way.

I went straight to the church the moment I got off from work. Our company driver offered me a ride. I solemnly celebrated the Holy Mass alone. I thanked God for all the love and blessings that I have received that day. My heart is at peace. There is no better way to celebrate my day than to have a date with the one who gave me life.

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After my birthday date with God, I accompanied a friend to hunt for the perfect shoes for her mission trip to Africa. We went to Souq (Market) and my friend kept on telling everyone we talk to that it is my birthday. I received tons of greeting from strangers. It was still a little bit hot that night. I grabbed the nearest carton and use it as a fan to ease the uncomfortable feeling that I have due to sweating. Before we left the store, one of the guys who works there handed me a cute little pink fan as a birthday present. For some reasons, i was extra appreciative on that day. I guess it’s a conscious effort to be happy. After finding the perfect pair of shoes, we went straight to the birthday dinner that my friends arranged for me. We already passed the stage of birthday surprises but friends still managed to surprise me in their smallest ways. We picked two of our friends from their house, when they got in the taxi they immediately handed me a bouquet of flowers and greeted me a happy birthday. When we got into the restaurant and handed the taxi driver the money for our taxi fare, he refused to get it. “You don’t need to pay because it’s your birthday. Happy Birthday. Have a nice life. God bless you!” he said. My heart melted. Faith to humanity restored! How can someone who earns a little give a portion of what he has to a stranger just because it is her birthday? My heart is smiling. I didn’t accept his gift but I made sure to let him know that I appreciate it a lot. “God bless you!”; I told him before we shut the taxi door close. I mean it. May God bless the selfless people.

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The birthday dinner was awesome as always. It wasn’t an extravagant celebration but sharing that moment with your family away from home made it extra special. We just talked about life, laughed at life over pinakbet, lechong kawali and sisig. I don’t know what did I do to deserve all the amazing people in my life. I must have done something right to deserve all the love. But, one thing is for sure, God loves me so He blessed me with everyone/everything I have in my life right now. I felt so loved; not just because it’s my birthday but because I truly am. I am God’s beloved. I am God’s masterpiece.

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Birthday 2015.

Thank You, Lord, for the gift of life. May everything I do bring glory to you. Thank You, family and friends, for the love. <3

Dear May

May is the month of meaningful exhaustion.

Sleepless nights.

Real Talk.

Stories over coffee.

Waking up in the morning struggles.

Unplanned taxi rides.

Writing frustrations.

Unorganized Thoughts.

And everything in between.

Sometimes, you just ask yourself if it is all worth it.

You don’t have an answer.

But, a little voice inside you says…

“Enjoy people instead of things. Be a friend. Overuse I love you.”

So, you dragged yourself out of bed.

Sleepwalked your way to the bathroom.

Took a bath.

Seized the day.

Sleep is not an option.

But, you whispered to yourself, maybe June will be different.

And, you agreed.

Dear Mr. Z

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It rained last night. And this morning too. It looks like it’s going to rain some more later. It’s cold outside but not as cold as you. It keeps on raining; it’s comforting. It’s like the heaven is crying for me. It’s crying the tears that I can’t cry. Because I no longer want to waste them for you.

Winter. The season that I have been waiting for. The season that officially marks an end to my “summertime sadness”. I am letting the rain wash away the pain of yesterday. I am moving forward. With my head held high, with no regrets, just faith, hope and love. I’d like to view it this way: God saved me from future heartbreaks. God saved me from what I thought was right for me but actually not. God loves me enough to spare me from another season of sleepless nights and chaotic thoughts.

Thank you for making me feel that I am not good enough. I realized that I will always be good enough for the right person.

Thank you for overlooking me all the time. I learned to see my own goodness and appreciate my own self.

Thank you for the heartbreak. I learned how to make myself whole again.

Thank you for the heartache. I finally know my worth.

Thank you for the pain. I am now stronger that I have ever been before.

Thank you for not loving me back. I realized that you are outnumbered by the people who love me.

Thank you for the tear stains on my pillow. They are signs that what I felt was true.

Thank you for pushing me away. Who knows, maybe I was pushed towards the person who will pull me in someday.

Thank you for preparing me for the person that I will be with in God’s perfect time. I will forever thank you for all the realizations and for making me the woman I am today. The woman who will someday be loved wholeheartedly by someone that God chose for her. The woman who has so much love to give. The woman who lost her breath running after you is now gone. I am now  the woman who finally had the courage to walk away and to welcome the hope the winter season brings.

Winter. It’s gonna be one long and cold season. But, at least, it would numb the pain until I don’t feel it anymore.

Thanks to you. I am always praying for you. Someday our paths will cross again. Winter, spring, summer or fall, I will always give you the sweetest smile of all. You are my lesson learned. My realization. My metanoia. I hope you find the right kind of love that will make you forget all your fears and hesitations. I hope you find someone who will accept you for who you are. I hope someday someone would love you better. Because that’s what you deserve. Because that’s what you need. Because I’d be happy to see you with someone who loves you more than she could ever love anything and anyone. Because someday, I still want to see that smile of contentment on your face because finally love found its way to you. After all, you are still my friend.

I enjoyed the ride even if I was always in the backseat.

Sincerely,

Me.

My Hand

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My hand reaches out for yours

The way the tides reach for the shore

Whether you’ll reach for it or not, I’m not sure

But, I’m sure your hand is what I’ve longed for

You reached for it

And I’m like a rose stung by its own thorns

I didn’t beg for it

But, when our hands touched, I was reborn

My hand was the last hand that you reached for

The last hand that overlapped with yours

The last hand you touched before you opened her door

Before you told her “Baby, you are mine and I am yours.”

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Prologue

So I was there, staring blankly into a blank Microsoft Word page, thinking about a way to start a love-hate letter. I stared at it for too long that I almost became cross eyed. I don’t even know what I’m looking at anymore. I guess there’s no perfect way to start this kind of letter. I don’t know which part should come first, the hate or the love part. After a few minutes of staring at it blankly, I wrote the first word. It was his name. Just the sight of it gives me butterflies in my stomach and a heavy heart. I almost went numb. I shrug some unwanted thoughts off my head. But, the next thing I know, I’m pressing ‘backspace’ on the keyboard deleting what I just wrote. Then, I clicked on the ‘X’ on the upper right side of the screen to close the application.

“Do you want to save some changes?”
Save. Don’t Save. Cancel.

I clicked on “Don’t Save”. That was it. I am, once again, left with nothing but my unspoken words, unwritten letters and my ever silent screams and heartaches. I secretly succumb to self-destruction. I really thought that it is impossible to break a broken heart but there you are again killing every single part of my heart that feels alive. But, I made a choice. Don’t save. I chose not to save my heart.

From The Heart To The Heart

I am usually the one who writes letters to people but, this time, someone sent a letter to me and it totally melted my heart.

Dear Erika Paulette,

It is amazing how you handle your every days. I can’t imagine how hard you are going through right now but I am amazed how you compose yourself and be you. I have been meaning to write you for so long- I have already written you a letter, but pardon me for not letting you know earlier. Sorry for not sparing a quality time and ask you how you really are and intently listen to your fears and troubles. It would be my pleasure hearing your heart’s sentiments and see how human and true you are. Nonetheless, you are doing a good job being you. In times as hard as this, you can cry and feel the pain and push yourself forward to carry on, and be weak- but those are exactly the things strong people do. Strong people like you. This is to thank you for all the rubs. Rubs of love that we share; those rubs give me comfort and the assurances that I have you and sometimes, rubs are all we need. The physical touch that means someone is there.

It doesn’t matter if that someone is sad or happy, down or high. It matters only that someone is there and in spite of life’s lemons, we go on like lemons are our favorite things. It amazes me how I see myself in you- in many ways. The self that I was once before. Writing love letters and taking time to give gifts. Expressing my heart’s content and trying to make everyone around me happy. Thank you for reminding me to slow down and once again treasure the simplicity and sweetness of life. To laugh until we cry, to sing and sing and dance and dance because nothing in the world could be better than being free.

In putting smiles to our faces, in putting efforts in your sincere caring gestures, in being totally true to yourself- you are the Eckay that we all need. Yes, we need you. The world needs you. If I could clone you, I’d make so many copies of you so that the world would be a more wonderful place. You are that powerful, Ecks. God has gifted you the charm to lift up so many souls, the smile that makes people forget their troubles, the vibrant presence that reminds us of all the good there is to this planet.
Please come back soon. Take the time you need to be okay. I mean, that is okay. We all need hiatus so we could be better, bolder, and greater. We all need to face the storm even if we are afraid. We all need to move forward even if we are scarred all over. Scarred people are beautiful. Scars are signs of all the battles we have won. Battles against ourselves because those are the only legit battles we have. And this very battle you are in will be over soon. Just like any storms you have been through in the many yesterdays, this, too, shall pass. And we can’t wait to experience a rub from someone who once again won a tough war. God sees how much you are suffering and He knows what exactly you need. And, He is all that you need.

Please be comforted by the truth that God is watching you and pleased by how you are fighting this hard. A worrier becoming a warrior. I love you, Ecks and I don’t know what else to say. Just remain as BE-YOU-TIFUL as you are and everything will be fine. Soon. Hold on and hold on because one day we’ll laugh at this like this was just a stupid joke after all.

D.Tangente, 17032014.

Dear Ex-Future Lover

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“It was when I met you when I understood love songs. I understood why heartbroken people cried and why they stayed away from everyone when their hearts shattered because they needed their space to fill it with the memories to bring their hearts’ pieces together. It was when I met you when I understood what love was all about and why people stayed late at night thinking about someone.”

I knew you were a bad idea the first time I felt that I am attracted to you. Yes, it was wonderful to feel that silly and tickly feeling but it scared me because I never felt that way before. I understood what they say about having butterflies in your stomach. You know what? I opened my heart to you. I put my guards off. I crashed the walls I spent my whole life building just so I can protect my heart from pain. I almost let you in only if you had told me that you wanted to. I liked a few guys before but I didn’t find them worth the risk. You were the first guy who made me feel like I am ready for this crazy little thing called love. To be completely honest with you, I never liked you the first time I met you. I don’t have a type but you’re certainly not my type. But, I have learned to gradually like you as time goes by. The more we talk, the more I appreciate you. I never liked you for your looks or for any superficial reason. I like you for your words. You always talk with sense and you are not full of yourself. I fell for your mind. You don’t talk for the sake of talking. You always know what to say, when to say it and how to say it. You listen more than you talk. That makes you different from any other guys. That’s when I felt the ‘magic’ that I have been searching for. I can’t even remember when I started to like you. I just woke up one day and thoughts of you excite me and my conversations with friends were all about you. My mom and my friends liked you, did you know that? You were my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I talked about you like you put the stars in the sky. I talked about you a lot and we all know that when you talk about people a lot you will start to like them even more. I did. Without me knowing, I fell for you. As much as I don’t want to, I fell for you. And, I really thought it was okay because I thought you’ll be there to catch me. But, you were not. How could you not pursue me after making me feel like we have a chance? That at some point you liked me too. I waited for you. I thought maybe you’re just scared or uncertain if I will like you back. But, then I came to realize that you are really uncertain of your own feelings. You put me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I hate to say this but you played with my feelings. I don’t know if you did it intentionally or not but the point here is you played with my heart. Sometimes you like me, sometimes you don’t. I can’t keep up with that. I don’t want to be a doormat. I can’t just wait until you decide to notice me again. I’ve wasted so much time on you and so many feelings too. I cried a few times because of you and you didn’t even know that. Well, it was good while it lasted but it ended before it even began because when you hurt people deliberately, they begin to love you less. I never thought that it would hurt this much. I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect sleepless nights. I didn’t expect thinking about the good times we had and crying over them. I didn’t expect asking myself “What happened?”, “Where did I go wrong?”, “Did your heartbeat change?”, “Why do you have to be the one to hurt me?”. I didn’t expect creating movie scenes in my head and imagining what it would be like if we end up together. I didn’t expect praying to God and convincing Him why He should let us be together. I created a secret diary filled with unsent letters to you hoping that someday I can let you read them whether I still have feelings for you or not. I just want you to know the unspoken words because I think you deserve to know them the same way that I deserve to know your unspoken words too. I waited long enough for you to finally find the guts to tell me what you really feel but waiting is too tiring because I don’t know if I am waiting for something or not. You never gave me the assurance that I need. Instead, you handed me reasons why I should end the waiting game. It’s tough being the one who has to wait. It’s frustrating. It’s tiring. I am tired. It’s time to hit the stop button because it is not healthy for me anymore. I am not happy anymore. A friend once told me that if waiting hurts me then I should stop. That’s what I will do now. I will not avoid you. I will just stop expecting more from you. I want to save a little pride for myself. I want to save myself from more hurt. I want to bring back my old self. The girl who is not worrying if someone likes her or not; the girl who loves herself enough that she doesn’t need anyone to make her feel loved. I am in the process of bringing back what’s mine so please don’t get in the way. You always have the power to pull me back whenever I move forward. Just a simple message from you sends me off my feet and I suddenly go back to zero. Thoughts of you make me smile and cry at the same time. Sometimes I think we could have been a good pair. But, most of the time I just make myself believe that we’re better off as friends. I have to let myself go by letting go of whatever feelings I have for you. I don’t know how long it will take before I can fully recover. I know it will not happen overnight. I will take my time. I will fix myself. I will be over you.

Please know that I don’t hate you. What I am feeling now is neither bitterness nor hate. I am not bitter and I am not angry, I am hurt. And being hurt is a totally different story. And, I can’t sue you for a crime that you are not aware you committed. So let’s just leave it like that.

I still want to thank you for being nice to me. Thank you for the random conversations that we used to have. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for making me feel special at some point. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Thank you for making me realize that I am capable of liking someone. Thank you for being the person that you are. Thank you for the fond memories. Thank you for always trying to make me laugh. Thank you for being my inspiration for a good amount of time. Thank you for hurting me because you made me realize my worth. You made me realize that maybe I deserve someone better so I should not rebuild those walls around my heart that I crashed just to let you in. Thank you for making me realize that I shouldn’t believe everything I tell myself. Thank you for the permanent scars. Thank you for being my first heartbreak. I am now a heartbreak closer to my happily ever after. Thank you for teaching me how to let go of something I like (or even love). It’s hard to wait for nothing but it is even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want. But, you taught me lessons about giving up when it’s already pulling you down. By the time that I recover from this, I know I will just laugh about it. Maybe someday I will decide to tell you “Once upon a time, I loved you.” And we will both laugh about it. You are now part of my history. Your part of the story ends here. I still wish you all the best. I hope someday I will see you with someone you fought for. Maybe I am not worth the fight. But, I hope someday you and I will meet the person that we would do everything for.

Here’s just a piece of advice. If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you’re scared that it’s not the right thing. Even if you’re scared that it will cause you pain. Even if you’re scared that it will burn your life to the ground. You say it. You say it out loud because she deserves to know. Because maybe she loves you too even if she’s scared. Always follow your heart because the heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to those things. You meet someone and you fall in love then that’s it. Don’t wait to regret it because you know what? When you turn your back on someone you love you have to travel all the way to her again just to win her again especially when she has moved on. I never want you to lose the girl who lost her breath chasing after you. Please don’t let the moment pass you by again.

But, despite and inspite everything, could we still be friends? Because I miss the friendship more than anything. And if you ever get sad or lonely and you need someone to listen. You know where to find me. </3

The butterflies just died. Goodbye.

Changes

Why do I have this feeling that I am about to lose you soon? Why do I have this extensive amount of fear deep in my heart? I feel like life will find a way to tear as apart. I feel like we don’t have much time left to be together.

Where is this fear coming from? Who can stop me from feeling this way?

But, as they always say, you only lose something that you’re holding on to. Does it mean I have to let go or it simply means that I should be prepared of losing you?

Here I am begging God again to give me more time with you. You are essential to my survival. I need you and I am not yet prepared not to have you. I can adjust with the changes in our lives but i cannot handle losing you. But how long can I keep up with the changes? I really don’t know.

But, above all reasons…the top reason for my fear is because you haven’t taught me how to live without you yet.

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