I wasn’t in my best mood for a week. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss home. I miss my normal happy self. This whole ‘Me-Time’ thing is getting the best out of me. I never felt so lonely. I spent a couple of sleepless nights thinking about senseless thoughts and asking stupid questions to myself. But, there have also been nights when I overslept because sometimes sleep is the best antidote for trying times. In short, I just plainly exist.
During this time, I know it’s the best time to pray more but I find it hard to pray. I know we should pray the hardest when it is hardest to pray but I just can’t put myself in the mood for prayer (Sorry). In the morning when I wake up, I just thank God for a brand new day and for the gift of life. That’s it. Very dry. When I get home, I throw my bag in the bed, remove the shoes from my feet, curl up under my blanket and get lost in my own little world. It was hard. Until one day, I said I don’t want to be like that anymore. If I want happiness, I should create it. I rushed to a nearby department store and got myself a colorful bed cover, put them on my bed and did my usual routine (throw bag, remove shoes, curl up under my blanket. Repeat daily.) For a time I was happy but it was a superficial kind of happiness. Eventually, my happy bed cover lost its magic. Worse, i became lonelier than I ever was before. I struggled until one day, I opened my “Daily Bread” and read “I pray that meditations would draw us into His presence. Fellowship with Christ is the secret of happiness now and forever.” God also assured me with His words: “I have promised you my presence everywhere you go; I will never, never leave you…”
For the first time in my life, I celebrated the mass alone and everything’s just perfect. That solitary moment with God is priceless. God really spoke to me in many ways. He spoke to me through songs. During the mass, Don Moen’s ‘I Will Sing’ played. “Lord, you seem so faraway and though I haven’t lost my faith I must confess right now that it’s hard for me to pray. But, as you give the grace with all that’s in my heart, I will sing, I will praise, even in my darkest hour.” I knelt before God, I let my heart talk and as tears rolled down my face, God hugged me so tightly I can’t even let go. When everyone left the church, I sat there alone. That moment of silence I know God hears my heart without me talking. The place was so solemn I can feel God everywhere. The chairs around me might be empty but I never felt alone. Then I realized, it was God who carried me all throughout the lonely week. It was God who made an effort to listen to my heart when I forget to pray. It was God who never left me when no one was there when I cried. It was God who lead me to Him. Then, things made sense the lonely week emptied me so I may receive more of God.
It was God all along.
That night, I came home, threw my bag in the bed, removed my shoes, curl up under my blanket and thanked God for finding me in my brokenness.
“Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30: 5