Today is Valentine’s Day. It is the time of the year when lovers show more affection towards each other, when flower shops run out of flowers, and when chocolates are given away to express love. But, for me, it is the time of the year when my newsfeed is filled with sweet nothings while I eat whatever amount of chocolate I could just to supply my body enough serotonin to keep my mood up. Wouldn’t it be nice to be in a relationship with chocolate? It can instantly make you happy. Just kidding.
I attended a Valentine Party last night. I was really hesitant to go and I was not in the mood to dress up. But, for the sake of friendship I managed to put on my little black dress and made it to the party. For some reasons, I was not in my “party mood” last night. I was glued to my seat the whole night. Well, aside from the fact that my shoes are not as comfortable as I wanted them to be, I just din’t feel like dancing the night away. All night, I was praying for the night to be over so I can just sleep the strange feeling off. The party was nice and lively. It is just not for me and I have never felt so pathetic for being like that. Well, blame it on the hormones. Such a kill joy. (I hate you, hormones!)
The night ended earlier than I expected. I couldn’t be more thankful that I reached home before midnight. It is not because I have a stepmother waiting for me but because I don’t wanna carry the strange mood until the next day. On a quiet night like last night, there is no perfect thing to do but pray. I prayed to God to give me a restful sleep and to answer whatever questions I have in His perfect time.
God’s answers to our questions is only a prayer away.
Valentine’s Day. 5:45 AM. I snoozed my alarm off for 10 more minutes before I woke up from a restful slumber to a bright and brand new day. “What a lovely day. I won’t let anything ruin this day. So, hormones, please back off.” I told myself as an affirmation. But, bitterness sets in. Seeing hearts, chocolates and flowers all over every social media site makes me think “Why don’t I get those?”. Worse, my cousin from Oman asked me a favor of buying flowers for her girlfriend and to deliver it straight to her doorstep. After work, I went straight to the flower shop. I picked some pink roses as requested. Later on, I noticed that I am the only girl in the flower shop. I wonder if people thought that I was buying flowers for myself on Valentine’s Day because I am not blessed with someone who will bring me flowers. Who cares?! I am doing my cousin a favor because I want him to be happy. I don’t care what they think. I don’t care about anything. I don’t care about Valentine’s and flowers and chocolates! Okay, that’s me being carried away by my bitterness. Of course, I care. I care about love. I care about people expressing their love for each other because that is how it should be. Love should be expressed everyday.
Whenever I talk to God, I always let my guards down. Fresh from my bitterness, I asked God “Why can’t I have that kind of love? the kind that sends me off my feet, the kind that removes any doubts and fears in my heart, the kind that makes me look into the world in a different perspective, the kind that assures me that I am worthy of being loved in return.” That moment, I was vulnerable. And God knew that He has to speak to me. He did. I opened my “Our Daily Bread” booklet.
February 14: Second Best?
“Though she felt unloved by her husband, perhaps she now realized she was greatly loved by God.”
I guess there will always be a point in our lives when we will feel bad for always being the second best or for doubting our own capacity to love and be loved. It is normal because everybody desires to be loved. But, never let it bring you down. The greatest love that we can ever receive is the love from the Almighty One. The one who knows all our imperfections but loves us anyway. The good thing about His love is that it is free. You don’t have to look good, to give flowers or chocolates just to gain it. You don’t have to prove yourself worthy of it. Because this love has always been yours from the very beginning. God loves us and it is more than enough.
I am not being a hypocrite here and telling you that a love from other humans is unessential and unnecessary. It is. In fact, this world, though full of wonderful things, is still way too cruel that we need this kind of love to survive. This love somehow assures us that we are good enough, that we will never have to go through this life alone. The love that somehow makes us feel whole. I have been wanting to experience this love ever since I learned how to fully open my heart to love. And, I thank God for taking too much time on preparing me and my future God’s gift for the time that we will finally go through this life together.
“You don’t marry your great love, you marry your true love.”
Assured. That’s how I felt after reading that. Though I have never been to any official relationship, I have never denied myself the right of loving. I have loved and have been denied a few times but never did I think about giving up on this crazy little thing called love. The chase is the most exciting part of it. The chase towards my true love. I have loved a few wrong people greatly; more than what they deserve I guess. I have done crazy things for the sake of love. There were love stories which I thought were great enough that it could actually be a reality and last forever but didn’t. There have been times that I cried for unknown reasons for a love that I thought was great but actually wasn’t. Because this love isn’t true. Because this love isn’t for me so God marked it “Not my will” and asked me to let go of it so I won’t keep hurting myself.
“But, God, I want this. Nothing will be greater than this.” I insisted. I begged.
“It can’t be great if it isn’t true, my child.” God told me.
Then, I told myself, no matter how cliche this statement is “if you wanted the wrong one so much, imagine how it would feel when the right one comes along.”
So, instead of wanting the wrong love which we thought was great, let’s just wait for our one true love and make the greatest love story ever told. A great love may not always be true, but, a true love can always be great.
“It is impossible for a love like yours, that overwhelming kind of love that flows out from you, to not catch on anywhere or anyone. It is bound to be reciprocated, not necessarily by the person for whom it was intended but I’m sure it will go full circle back to you.” – That Thing Called Tadhana
Happy Valentine’s Day! <3 God is wrapping His gift for you; He just can’t choose the best wrapper yet because you deserve something special. Enjoy waiting.