Hoc Etiam Transibit

My life has always been a constant struggle. Problems come one after the other and sometimes, they come all together at once. ‘When it rains, it pours.’ they say. I guess, they are right.

I had one of the toughest weeks last week. I won’t go into specifics but I felt heavier than usual; like the whole world is on my shoulder and I cannot carry it anymore. But I had to go out there, fake a smile and talk to people to show the world that I am fine but deep inside I was trembling, shaking, slowly dying. I just wanted to let it all go because the longer I carry it, the heavier it gets and I was afraid that I can only take so much and that time, it was already too much for me to bear, so I just wanted to get lost in my own world because I might break down at any moment because I just feel so weak and I didn’t know what in this world can fix me. So, I took my time to be broken by hiding from people and wallowing on my bed all week long. I literally shut everything off to befriend my exhaustion. It wasn’t fun but it helped.

I think everyone goes through that phase once in a while; The need for space, for solitude and for some peace and quiet. I needed mine last week and when you need something, sometimes, the whole universe conspires to give it to you. I spent my whole week thinking of ways to fix myself and everything that is broken in my life. I thought about it really hard but I didn’t come up with any answers.I felt like I just wasted one whole week of shutting people out during the time that I need them the most. That moment of despair made me hate myself. I was so down that I didn’t even have the time to appreciate the sun rays beaming through my windows or the hope a new day brings. As days passed, though I spent my everyday in bed, I became more tired and restless. Our self is our own and worst enemy. I started to hate the person that I have become. I hated how I isolate myself from friends, I hated myself for thinking that I can deal with it alone and I don’t need any help. I hated myself for compromising my service, my faith. I hated myself for missing out on a lot of things just because I am busy hating myself. But, I don’t want to be a bad bacteria who is infecting the happiness of those around me. I didn’t wanna show up without my usual happy self because I don’t want them to ask. Because I don’t have any answers except for the excuse that I am just exhausted. It’s funny how people say they’re just tired instead of admitting that they are not okay. I didn’t know that time how long I would do that to myself. All I knew then was, I need time; Time to figure out how to help myself; Time to regain the strength to go out there again and be with people. I came to a point of total Isolation and it was really hard to get out of that darkness. I knew that I need someone to pull me from where I am just so I can still see the beauty of life once again. The beauty of my brokenness. Because being broken gives us the opportunity to be hugged by God. There were times that I knew that I can only turn to God and no one else because only God has the answers to my questions. I cried to Him. I asked Him my why’s and how’s and even when’s.

“No one understands like Jesus.”

I finally had the willingness to do the usual things I do; to go out there, meet friends, laugh with friends. I attended a worship workshop and no matter how clouded my heart is by helplessness, God picked me up, hugged me and reassured me that no matter what I am going through, if I i will surrender it all to him, it will get better. I cried whatever tears I have left to cry. I broke down. I offered Him my weaknesses. He must have carried me because I felt instantly lighter. I am not totally okay but at least now I know what can fix me. The grace of the Lord will, in ways that is unknown to us. We just have to be obedient and believe that…

This Too Shall Pass

…and it did.

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