My life has always been a constant struggle. Problems come one after the other and sometimes, they come all together at once. ‘When it rains, it pours.’ they say. I guess, they are right.
I had one of the toughest weeks last week. I won’t go into specifics but I felt heavier than usual; like the whole world is on my shoulder and I cannot carry it anymore. But I had to go out there, fake a smile and talk to people to show the world that I am fine but deep inside I was trembling, shaking, slowly dying. I just wanted to let it all go because the longer I carry it, the heavier it gets and I was afraid that I can only take so much and that time, it was already too much for me to bear, so I just wanted to get lost in my own world because I might break down at any moment because I just feel so weak and I didn’t know what in this world can fix me. So, I took my time to be broken by hiding from people and wallowing on my bed all week long. I literally shut everything off to befriend my exhaustion. It wasn’t fun but it helped.
I think everyone goes through that phase once in a while; The need for space, for solitude and for some peace and quiet. I needed mine last week and when you need something, sometimes, the whole universe conspires to give it to you. I spent my whole week thinking of ways to fix myself and everything that is broken in my life. I thought about it really hard but I didn’t come up with any answers.I felt like I just wasted one whole week of shutting people out during the time that I need them the most. That moment of despair made me hate myself. I was so down that I didn’t even have the time to appreciate the sun rays beaming through my windows or the hope a new day brings. As days passed, though I spent my everyday in bed, I became more tired and restless. Our self is our own and worst enemy. I started to hate the person that I have become. I hated how I isolate myself from friends, I hated myself for thinking that I can deal with it alone and I don’t need any help. I hated myself for compromising my service, my faith. I hated myself for missing out on a lot of things just because I am busy hating myself. But, I don’t want to be a bad bacteria who is infecting the happiness of those around me. I didn’t wanna show up without my usual happy self because I don’t want them to ask. Because I don’t have any answers except for the excuse that I am just exhausted. It’s funny how people say they’re just tired instead of admitting that they are not okay. I didn’t know that time how long I would do that to myself. All I knew then was, I need time; Time to figure out how to help myself; Time to regain the strength to go out there again and be with people. I came to a point of total Isolation and it was really hard to get out of that darkness. I knew that I need someone to pull me from where I am just so I can still see the beauty of life once again. The beauty of my brokenness. Because being broken gives us the opportunity to be hugged by God. There were times that I knew that I can only turn to God and no one else because only God has the answers to my questions. I cried to Him. I asked Him my why’s and how’s and even when’s.
“No one understands like Jesus.”
I finally had the willingness to do the usual things I do; to go out there, meet friends, laugh with friends. I attended a worship workshop and no matter how clouded my heart is by helplessness, God picked me up, hugged me and reassured me that no matter what I am going through, if I i will surrender it all to him, it will get better. I cried whatever tears I have left to cry. I broke down. I offered Him my weaknesses. He must have carried me because I felt instantly lighter. I am not totally okay but at least now I know what can fix me. The grace of the Lord will, in ways that is unknown to us. We just have to be obedient and believe that…
…and it did.