“It was when I met you when I understood love songs. I understood why heartbroken people cried and why they stayed away from everyone when their hearts shattered because they needed their space to fill it with the memories to bring their hearts’ pieces together. It was when I met you when I understood what love was all about and why people stayed late at night thinking about someone.”
I knew you were a bad idea the first time I felt that I am attracted to you. Yes, it was wonderful to feel that silly and tickly feeling but it scared me because I never felt that way before. I understood what they say about having butterflies in your stomach. You know what? I opened my heart to you. I put my guards off. I crashed the walls I spent my whole life building just so I can protect my heart from pain. I almost let you in only if you had told me that you wanted to. I liked a few guys before but I didn’t find them worth the risk. You were the first guy who made me feel like I am ready for this crazy little thing called love. To be completely honest with you, I never liked you the first time I met you. I don’t have a type but you’re certainly not my type. But, I have learned to gradually like you as time goes by. The more we talk, the more I appreciate you. I never liked you for your looks or for any superficial reason. I like you for your words. You always talk with sense and you are not full of yourself. I fell for your mind. You don’t talk for the sake of talking. You always know what to say, when to say it and how to say it. You listen more than you talk. That makes you different from any other guys. That’s when I felt the ‘magic’ that I have been searching for. I can’t even remember when I started to like you. I just woke up one day and thoughts of you excite me and my conversations with friends were all about you. My mom and my friends liked you, did you know that? You were my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I talked about you like you put the stars in the sky. I talked about you a lot and we all know that when you talk about people a lot you will start to like them even more. I did. Without me knowing, I fell for you. As much as I don’t want to, I fell for you. And, I really thought it was okay because I thought you’ll be there to catch me. But, you were not. How could you not pursue me after making me feel like we have a chance? That at some point you liked me too. I waited for you. I thought maybe you’re just scared or uncertain if I will like you back. But, then I came to realize that you are really uncertain of your own feelings. You put me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I hate to say this but you played with my feelings. I don’t know if you did it intentionally or not but the point here is you played with my heart. Sometimes you like me, sometimes you don’t. I can’t keep up with that. I don’t want to be a doormat. I can’t just wait until you decide to notice me again. I’ve wasted so much time on you and so many feelings too. I cried a few times because of you and you didn’t even know that. Well, it was good while it lasted but it ended before it even began because when you hurt people deliberately, they begin to love you less. I never thought that it would hurt this much. I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect sleepless nights. I didn’t expect thinking about the good times we had and crying over them. I didn’t expect asking myself “What happened?”, “Where did I go wrong?”, “Did your heartbeat change?”, “Why do you have to be the one to hurt me?”. I didn’t expect creating movie scenes in my head and imagining what it would be like if we end up together. I didn’t expect praying to God and convincing Him why He should let us be together. I created a secret diary filled with unsent letters to you hoping that someday I can let you read them whether I still have feelings for you or not. I just want you to know the unspoken words because I think you deserve to know them the same way that I deserve to know your unspoken words too. I waited long enough for you to finally find the guts to tell me what you really feel but waiting is too tiring because I don’t know if I am waiting for something or not. You never gave me the assurance that I need. Instead, you handed me reasons why I should end the waiting game. It’s tough being the one who has to wait. It’s frustrating. It’s tiring. I am tired. It’s time to hit the stop button because it is not healthy for me anymore. I am not happy anymore. A friend once told me that if waiting hurts me then I should stop. That’s what I will do now. I will not avoid you. I will just stop expecting more from you. I want to save a little pride for myself. I want to save myself from more hurt. I want to bring back my old self. The girl who is not worrying if someone likes her or not; the girl who loves herself enough that she doesn’t need anyone to make her feel loved. I am in the process of bringing back what’s mine so please don’t get in the way. You always have the power to pull me back whenever I move forward. Just a simple message from you sends me off my feet and I suddenly go back to zero. Thoughts of you make me smile and cry at the same time. Sometimes I think we could have been a good pair. But, most of the time I just make myself believe that we’re better off as friends. I have to let myself go by letting go of whatever feelings I have for you. I don’t know how long it will take before I can fully recover. I know it will not happen overnight. I will take my time. I will fix myself. I will be over you.
Please know that I don’t hate you. What I am feeling now is neither bitterness nor hate. I am not bitter and I am not angry, I am hurt. And being hurt is a totally different story. And, I can’t sue you for a crime that you are not aware you committed. So let’s just leave it like that.
I still want to thank you for being nice to me. Thank you for the random conversations that we used to have. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for making me feel special at some point. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Thank you for making me realize that I am capable of liking someone. Thank you for being the person that you are. Thank you for the fond memories. Thank you for always trying to make me laugh. Thank you for being my inspiration for a good amount of time. Thank you for hurting me because you made me realize my worth. You made me realize that maybe I deserve someone better so I should not rebuild those walls around my heart that I crashed just to let you in. Thank you for making me realize that I shouldn’t believe everything I tell myself. Thank you for the permanent scars. Thank you for being my first heartbreak. I am now a heartbreak closer to my happily ever after. Thank you for teaching me how to let go of something I like (or even love). It’s hard to wait for nothing but it is even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want. But, you taught me lessons about giving up when it’s already pulling you down. By the time that I recover from this, I know I will just laugh about it. Maybe someday I will decide to tell you “Once upon a time, I loved you.” And we will both laugh about it. You are now part of my history. Your part of the story ends here. I still wish you all the best. I hope someday I will see you with someone you fought for. Maybe I am not worth the fight. But, I hope someday you and I will meet the person that we would do everything for.
Here’s just a piece of advice. If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you’re scared that it’s not the right thing. Even if you’re scared that it will cause you pain. Even if you’re scared that it will burn your life to the ground. You say it. You say it out loud because she deserves to know. Because maybe she loves you too even if she’s scared. Always follow your heart because the heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to those things. You meet someone and you fall in love then that’s it. Don’t wait to regret it because you know what? When you turn your back on someone you love you have to travel all the way to her again just to win her again especially when she has moved on. I never want you to lose the girl who lost her breath chasing after you. Please don’t let the moment pass you by again.
But, despite and inspite everything, could we still be friends? Because I miss the friendship more than anything. And if you ever get sad or lonely and you need someone to listen. You know where to find me. </3
The butterflies just died. Goodbye.