Dear Everdearest

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These past few days, you are always in my Timehop. It’s like time is telling me to get in touch with you again. Time is reminding me of the good times we once shared and that I shouldn’t let them go into waste. But, I can’t even write a word to you every time I try to. It’s like I am writing to a stranger. I know nothing about you anymore; until one day, I saw an old video clip. I heard your voice after such a very long time. Oh, I never realized how much I miss it until I heard it again. I would like to dial your number so I could hear it more. But then I realized that I don’t have your number saved on my phone anymore. Thinking about it saddens me. The number that was once in my list of favorite contacts is not recorded on my phone book anymore. A sign of total disconnection. But, I wanted to feel you, I wanted to feel what I once felt before, I wanted to feel it again. So, I wore the silver bangle that you gave me long time ago. It still looks beautiful on me. It still wraps my arm perfectly. I look at it with my sunken eyes and I almost teared up as I tell myself “this is what I have left.” not noticing that, just like us, there’s a crack. The next thing I know, it is nearly broken. There’s just a tiny bit of silver that connects it together. I took the courage of removing it from my hand. I pulled each end apart until it broke. I slid it inside my bag. Acceptance.

Somewhere down the road, in between traffic lights, I remembered you. I imagined you standing somewhere in the corner of the street waiting for the traffic light to turn green. Smiling back at me as if you’re saying “Get ready. It’ll turn green in no time.”. I remembered when we first had our moment together, just you and I. You talked, I listened. I talked, you listened. You did most of the talking actually but I didn’t mind because your stories open the door to your world, to who you are. You are this person who gives so much value to experiences, to people and I am amazed by that. But, as the road comes to an end, it gets sadder and sadder each time I take a step because each step brings me towards the night when I first realized that things are not as perfect as they seem. I still went home with you, same road, same night but I am not the same anymore and I have never been the same since then.

I saw the place where we sipped our first cup of coffee. The place where you first held my hand. The place where you first looked into my soul. The place where we talked about our fears. The place where it all started and the place where it all ended. The place where I cried for you for the nth time. The place that I dreaded for so long because I see you in every corner of it. The place that I refused to go back to because it brings good memories and good memories always make me cry. But, that night was different. I passed by it, I stared at it until it disappeared from my sight. I let out a deep sigh then I looked away; away from that place, away from your memories and that moment I knew that I am heading in the right direction.

Missing you,

Post-Test

You are a post-test I hope I’d pass.

An unnecessary heartache I hope won’t last.

As I unstuff my life, I hope you’ll be the first one to go.

Because you’re hurting me more than you’ll ever know.

But, no, I do want you to stay.

I’ll just pray for this feeling to go away.

You are a post test.

And you leave me restless.

Dear Amare: Part Four

I hope you realize that I am not a complicated girl. I don’t want anything fancy. You don’t have to buy me diamonds or give me the stars. I won’t demand for flowers or anything that sparkles. You don’t have to make poems or write me songs. I don’t need them.

I just want to cuddle. Talk. Fall in love. Eat cotton candy flavored ice cream (cookies and cream would be good,too.) Back pack our way to infinity and beyond. Gaze at the stars and make a wish. And, mark you with a red lipstick as I whisper “you’re mine” as you envelope me with your loving arms. I swear, I’ll never feel safer anywhere else but there.

That’s all I need. You’re all I need.

Dear Amare: Part Three

So, I told myself: “If you will love someone, may I suggest you love yourself?”

So, I did.

Maybe someday, I’ll learn how to tell you this,

“This is where the road ends for you and me. We had a good run though, didn’t we?”

That someday is when I unlearn to love you like this.

Dear Amare: Part Two

Always have, always will

This feeling that I feel

This, I can no longer bear

So please, teach me how not to care.

xoxo.

Dear Amare

In between waking up and sleeping again, there you are.

Always there. Always present. Never gone.

But, truly missed.

Dear Mr. Z

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It rained last night. And this morning too. It looks like it’s going to rain some more later. It’s cold outside but not as cold as you. It keeps on raining; it’s comforting. It’s like the heaven is crying for me. It’s crying the tears that I can’t cry. Because I no longer want to waste them for you.

Winter. The season that I have been waiting for. The season that officially marks an end to my “summertime sadness”. I am letting the rain wash away the pain of yesterday. I am moving forward. With my head held high, with no regrets, just faith, hope and love. I’d like to view it this way: God saved me from future heartbreaks. God saved me from what I thought was right for me but actually not. God loves me enough to spare me from another season of sleepless nights and chaotic thoughts.

Thank you for making me feel that I am not good enough. I realized that I will always be good enough for the right person.

Thank you for overlooking me all the time. I learned to see my own goodness and appreciate my own self.

Thank you for the heartbreak. I learned how to make myself whole again.

Thank you for the heartache. I finally know my worth.

Thank you for the pain. I am now stronger that I have ever been before.

Thank you for not loving me back. I realized that you are outnumbered by the people who love me.

Thank you for the tear stains on my pillow. They are signs that what I felt was true.

Thank you for pushing me away. Who knows, maybe I was pushed towards the person who will pull me in someday.

Thank you for preparing me for the person that I will be with in God’s perfect time. I will forever thank you for all the realizations and for making me the woman I am today. The woman who will someday be loved wholeheartedly by someone that God chose for her. The woman who has so much love to give. The woman who lost her breath running after you is now gone. I am now  the woman who finally had the courage to walk away and to welcome the hope the winter season brings.

Winter. It’s gonna be one long and cold season. But, at least, it would numb the pain until I don’t feel it anymore.

Thanks to you. I am always praying for you. Someday our paths will cross again. Winter, spring, summer or fall, I will always give you the sweetest smile of all. You are my lesson learned. My realization. My metanoia. I hope you find the right kind of love that will make you forget all your fears and hesitations. I hope you find someone who will accept you for who you are. I hope someday someone would love you better. Because that’s what you deserve. Because that’s what you need. Because I’d be happy to see you with someone who loves you more than she could ever love anything and anyone. Because someday, I still want to see that smile of contentment on your face because finally love found its way to you. After all, you are still my friend.

I enjoyed the ride even if I was always in the backseat.

Sincerely,

Me.

Dear Mr. Y

When it comes to you, I am constantly torn between “if it’s meant to be it will be” and “if you really want it go get it.”. Sometimes your presence gets too overwhelming and my poor little heart can only contain so much. My heart and mind are constantly arguing about letting go and holding on a little longer. Every part of my weak heart is struggling to beat for you. But my equally stressed out mind is shouting “ENOUGH!”.

To be completely honest, I feel kinda exhausted. I am too exhausted that I just don’t want to feel it anymore. Hey, loving you is exhausting. But, as exhausting as it is, I would like you to know that I’d still choose you in a million lifetimes, in a thousand worlds, and in any version of reality. I would make sure to find you and I’d choose you over and over again.

But, if your love isn’t going to be greater than your uncertainties and fears, I guess I will have to spend my million lifetimes, thousand worlds, and all my version of reality in forgetting about you. I don’t want to spend eternity holding on to my imaginary “happily ever after”. I’d rather spend my only lifetime in my own world with my only version of reality holding on to something that is real. Because that’s how it is supposed to be and that’s how it’s gonna be from now on.

Dear Mr. X

There are many things I want to be but when it comes to you, I just want to be the woman you’ve always dreamed of.

I want to be the woman who you’d think about whenever someone asks you a question about love. I want to be the first person who will pop in your mind whenever you hear or read the word LOVE. I want to be the love of your life. I promise you won’t regret it. I promise I won’t be complicated and we will only have awesome memories.

I want to make you happy that you ask yourself if you’re dreaming. So happy that you get a butterfly riot in your stomach whenever you hear my name. So happy that you forget about those times you were sad. So happy you forget about your scars. So happy that smiling hurts and you can’t take it off your face.

I want to be the woman you let your family meet. And, before we do that I will find you beside me, holding my hand, kissing me in my forehead and whispering “Don’t worry. They’ll love you.”. I want to listen to your mother’s story about your childhood as she showcases you baby pictures. I want to hear the things your father has to say about you. I want to hear him tease you that you should treat me the way he treats your mother. I want your sisters to like me as much as I like them. I want them to be the sisters I never had. And you, I want you to watch your family fall in love with me because I love them as much as you do. And, I want you to secretly smile as you do that.

I want to be the woman that you’ll wait for in the altar. I want to be the mother of your children. I want to be the woman you’ll wait for in the altar 50 years after. I want to be the one who will sit beside you as you tell our grandchildren about our epic love story.

I want to be the woman who makes you appreciate the world more. I want to make you see the perfection of the imperfect things. I want to see the world with you so that if there will come a time that I will have to leave you, you can feel me everywhere you go.

I want to be better than what you have imagined. I want to be more than what you have expected me to be. Too perfect that you question if I am real. I want to be the reason why you believe that God wants you to be happy so He gave me to you. I want to be anything you want me to be. I want to make you happy.

I want you to choose me, pick me, love me. And I want to be the one who loves you. I want to love you until it hurts and love you more until it hurts no more. Let me love you. Let me prove to you that no one can love you better than I do. I don’t want to sound desperate but let me. Please. Let me.

But, even if I won’t be all these, I just want to be the woman who loved you with all her heart. The woman who lost herself in loving you. The woman who is a lot stronger because she was forbidden to love you. The woman you could have had and the woman you never had.

Dear Mister

You have no idea what I feel about you. You have no idea that I care about you a lot. I think you’re cool without trying too hard. I think you have a sexy mind. You have no idea how you make me happy and sad at the same time. You have no idea how fast the butterlies move in my stomach when I hear from you. I am scared to tell you I like you but I realize that what’s really scary is not telling you when I have the chance. You have no idea how much I cried for you. You have no idea how crazy I get at times knowing that you might not feel the same. You have no idea of the tears I always try to hide. You have no idea how much I miss you…I miss us. You have no idea how you’ve grown on me as the time went by. You have no idea how much you’re hurting me. You have no idea what you really mean to me.

Or maybe you already have an idea…you just chose not to care. Or maybe you’re really scared that it won’t work,

I am now letting go of all the things I imagined about us. I am now letting go of my feelings for you. I am choosing happiness by letting go of you.

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