Love and Other Fears

It was clear. I am afraid to love.

Not just to love, but to love him.

He is  so fragile, so delicate

so lost yet so good to be true.

Maybe he is broken, or maybe not.

Maybe he just carries something deep inside,

that people, even himself, do not understand.

I am afraid to love him because I am afraid of failure.

That maybe I am not the one he needs.

He is a  forest and I am just a girl who loves to wander

but is really terrified to get lost.

So I walked away and never looked back.

Because I was afraid.

I was afraid to embrace and to let go of what matters most.

Dear Mirage

It was the longest journey I have ever traveled. Yet, traveling with you made it the shortest.

I wished the road was endless even if it leads nowhere.

It was the shortest affair I’ve ever had. But, in that short moment I experienced forever.

Some infinities are bigger than other infinities, John Green said.

I tried to make it last as much as I can.

In that moment, I swear I was infinite

But, it’s over before I knew it.

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I want to stop writing about you. But, every time I try to, you keep invading my thoughts; blocking everything so all I could think about is you. You always make me feel that a part of myself is missing. I think I left it with you. I need it back so I can be my complete self again. But then, I ask myself…does it mean I need you? I don’t want to need you.

The Vow: An Excerpt

If there is a song that could perfectly describe my process of waiting for you it would be Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years”. I know it’s quite a cliché because that song has been used in many weddings during its era. But, hey, I died everyday waiting for you. Darling, don’t you know that I have loved you for a thousand years and I’ll love you for a thousand more.

I knew I loved you before I met you. In fact, I missed you even though we have never met each other yet. Have you experienced that feeling of homesickness for a place that you have never been to? I ached for you every day. I have always longed for your warm embrace. I craved for your gentle kisses every morning when I wake up. Every time something good happens to me, I always wished that you are there to share the happiness with me or share the sadness when it strikes. I imagined us cuddling in bed all day on a lazy Friday. I imagined you sitting on my couch while waiting for the dinner that I have prepared for you. I imagined you telling me I am a good cook even though we both know that I am only good at frying eggs and sausages. But, you appreciate me trying to cook a decent meal. I imagined us doing things together every day except when we need a time out from each other and be with our own set of friends. I imagined you meeting my family for the very first time. I imagined you getting along with them because you know that they love you. I imagined you meeting my best friends and dealing with awkward glances of the women in my life. I imagined you excusing yourself to go to the toilet when the truth is you just want to secretly send me a message that my friends are crazy and you feel a bit awkward around them. Without you knowing it, I’ll tell my friends about it and you’ll be surprised because by the time you get back on the table, you’ll find a totally different set of people. They’ll be nicer and more accommodating because that’s really how they are. No more awkward glances because the truth is, they really like you. I imagined us going home together and you’ll tell me how much you enjoyed the night. I imagined you giving me a goodnight kiss as you watch me close the front door of our house. I imagined an “I miss you already” text message just a second after we said goodnight. And, the “I love you” before we sleep and the “I love you in the morning” when we wake up.

Okay, I know that’s kinda cheesy. But, who doesn’t love cheese?

They told me to dance with God because when I do, He will only let the worthy man to cut in. I am more than glad that finally, God let you cut in. It took us endless dances before He finally gave me to you. I almost thought that the dance would never end. I turned down some guys who invited me for a dance because I knew that they will never be you. Because I know that someday, you will come. And here you are. Real and tangible. Now that you are finally in my life and we are dancing even though we don’t really know how. I don’t care if you step on my foot. We’ll figure it out together. We can change the music if we have to. Or we don’t really have to dance. We just have to stand still hand in hand, look into each other’s eyes and read each other’s lips.

If you’ll ask me how long will I love you… I’ll love you for a thousand years…and longer if I could.

To be continued…

Cheeseburger

Last night, I craved for a cheeseburger. I thought how nice it would be to have you around to buy me one. How easy and nice life would be if I have you as a constant run to person. A comfort zone. A secret hiding place. But instead, I found myself walking along the dark pavements of the street going to the nearest restaurant. I got myself a cheeseburger. After eating it, my craving isn’t satisfied. Then I realized, it wasn’t cheeseburger that I was craving for. I was craving for you.

9:59

There I was, sad and blue

Hoping that I would hear from you

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years

They all passed, still waiting for you, my dear

No sights of you

No signs of you

Still hoping that you would say my name

Yeah, I know it’s lame

I’m not ashamed

You will not be blamed

Did I ever cross your mind?

Would you just please be kind

Did you ever think about me?

Gosh, if these thoughts could kill me

Maybe you’ll have reasons to at least miss me

But here I am, still alive

Until the clock strikes at nine fifty nine

You said a name but still, it wasn’t mine

Just Because It is Valentine’s Day and I Should Write About Love

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Today is Valentine’s Day. It is the time of the year when lovers show more affection towards each other, when flower shops run out of flowers, and when chocolates are given away to express love. But, for me, it is the time of the year when my newsfeed is filled with sweet nothings while I eat whatever amount of chocolate I could just to supply my body enough serotonin to keep my mood up. Wouldn’t it be nice to be in a relationship with chocolate? It can instantly make you happy. Just kidding.

I attended a Valentine Party last night. I was really hesitant to go and I was not in the mood to dress up. But, for the sake of friendship I managed to put on my little black dress and made it to the party. For some reasons, I was not in my “party mood” last night. I was glued to my seat the whole night. Well, aside from the fact that my shoes are not as comfortable as I wanted them to be, I just din’t feel like dancing the night away. All night, I was praying for the night to be over so I can just sleep the strange feeling off. The party was nice and lively. It is just not for me and I have never felt so pathetic for being like that. Well, blame it on the hormones. Such a kill joy. (I hate you, hormones!)

The night ended earlier than I expected. I couldn’t be more thankful that I reached home before midnight. It is not because I have a stepmother  waiting for me but because I don’t wanna carry the strange mood until the next day. On a quiet night like last night, there is no perfect thing to do but pray. I prayed to God to give me a restful sleep and to answer whatever questions I have in His perfect time.

God’s answers to our questions is only a prayer away.

Valentine’s Day. 5:45 AM. I snoozed my alarm off for 10 more minutes before I woke up from a restful slumber to a bright and brand new day. “What a lovely day. I won’t let anything ruin this day. So, hormones, please back off.” I told myself as an affirmation. But, bitterness sets in. Seeing hearts, chocolates and flowers all over every social media site makes me think “Why don’t I get those?”. Worse, my cousin from Oman asked me a favor of buying flowers for her girlfriend and to deliver it straight to her doorstep. After work, I went straight to the flower shop. I picked some pink roses as requested. Later on, I noticed that I am the only girl in the flower shop. I wonder if people thought that I was buying flowers for myself on Valentine’s Day because I am not blessed with someone who will bring me flowers. Who cares?! I am doing my cousin a favor because I want him to be happy. I don’t care what they think. I don’t care about anything. I don’t care about Valentine’s and flowers and chocolates! Okay, that’s me being carried away by my bitterness. Of course, I care. I care about love. I care about people expressing their love for each other because that is how it should be. Love should be expressed everyday.

Whenever I talk to God, I always let my guards down. Fresh from my bitterness, I asked God “Why can’t I have that kind of love? the kind that sends me off my feet, the kind that removes any doubts and fears in my heart, the kind that makes me look into the world in a different perspective, the kind that assures me that I am worthy of being loved in return.” That moment, I was vulnerable. And God knew that He has to speak to me. He did. I opened my “Our Daily Bread” booklet.

February 14: Second Best?

“Though she felt unloved by her husband, perhaps she now realized she was greatly loved by God.”

I guess there will always be a point in our lives when we will feel bad for always being the second best or for doubting our own capacity to love and be loved. It is normal because everybody desires to be loved. But, never let it bring you down. The greatest love that we can ever receive is the love from the Almighty One. The one who knows all our imperfections but loves us anyway. The good thing about His love is that it is free. You don’t have to look good, to give flowers or chocolates just to gain it. You don’t have to prove yourself worthy of it. Because this love has always been yours from the very beginning. God loves us and it is more than enough.

I am not being a hypocrite here and telling you that a love from other humans is unessential and unnecessary. It is. In fact, this world, though full of wonderful things, is still way too cruel that we need this kind of love to survive. This love somehow assures us that we are good enough, that we will never have to go through this life alone. The love that somehow makes us feel whole. I have been wanting to experience this love ever since I learned how to fully open my heart to love. And, I thank God for taking too much time on preparing me and my future God’s gift for the time that we will finally go through this life together.

“You don’t marry your great love, you marry your true love.”

Assured. That’s how I felt after reading that. Though I have never been to any official relationship, I have never denied myself the right of loving. I have loved and have been denied a few times but never did I think about giving up on this crazy little thing called love. The chase is the most exciting part of it. The chase towards my true love. I have loved a few wrong people greatly; more than what they deserve I guess. I have done crazy things for the sake of love. There were love stories which I thought were great enough that it could actually be a reality and last forever but didn’t. There have been times that I cried for unknown reasons for a love that I thought was great but actually wasn’t. Because this love isn’t true. Because this love isn’t for me so God marked it “Not my will” and asked me to let go of it so I won’t keep hurting myself.

“But, God, I want this. Nothing will be greater than this.” I insisted. I begged.

“It can’t be great if it isn’t true, my child.” God told me.

Then, I told myself, no matter how cliche this statement is “if you wanted the wrong one so much, imagine how it would feel when the right one comes along.”

So, instead of wanting the wrong love which we thought was great, let’s just wait for our one true love and make the greatest love story ever told. A great love may not always be true, but, a true love can always be great.

“It is impossible for a love like yours, that overwhelming kind of love that flows out from you, to not catch on anywhere or anyone. It is bound to be reciprocated, not necessarily by the person for whom it was intended but I’m sure it will go full circle back to you.” – That Thing Called Tadhana

Happy Valentine’s Day! <3 God is wrapping His gift for you; He just can’t choose the best wrapper yet because you deserve something special. Enjoy waiting.

Dear My Dear Part Two

You are a risk to take

A Mystery to be unfolded

The most uncertain thing I had ever known

You could be my most painful heartache

My sweetest downfall

Or my most joyful experience

You could be God’s greatest gift

Or Life’s painful lesson

You could be whatever

I can deal with that.

It just has to be you.

No one else but you.

Dear My Dear

Let’s laugh until we cry.
Let’s cry until it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Let’s pray until our prayers get answered.
Let’s talk until we fall in love.

You and I

I said I don’t want you

I said there’s nothing there

I said what I said isn’t true

I said I never really cared

You said God gave me to you

I said I don’t believe you

You said your universe revolves around me

I said stop joking with me

You said you love me

I said I love him

Your touch confuses me

I keep longing for him

You were looking at me the entire time

The entire time I was wishing he’s mine

When I try to find him, you always block the view

Showing me things you wish I knew

Finally, I realized that he’s not worthy

So I went running back to you

But, you no longer want me

‘Coz you realized that I’m not worthy of you

I’m too proud to beg you to stay

So I just let you walk away

My heart turned black and blue

I lost him and worst of all, I lost you