Dear 2013 Version of Myself

How are you? I am so glad I finally had the chance to write to you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I know it is eight days late but it doesn’t matter.

I would like to pat your back for a job well done. You survived 2013. You survived one long year of not being home. A lot of life altering moments happened last year, right? I bet it was a memorable year for you. You deserve more than a pat on the back for that.

You’ve been through a lot last year. Last year was all about epic highs and devastating lows. You spent half of last year miserable and I almost thought you can’t get over it. I almost thought you’ll spend the whole year regretting everything, holding grudge against people, cursing people silently, fighting that battle in the silent chambers of your soul, wishing you could turn back time and do things differently, wishing you didn’t trust people that much, wishing you were a different person. Well, you know what? I am glad you didn’t wish to be a different person because, believe it or not, I love you just the way you are. You are a strong woman with a very high tolerance to bullshit and that helped you survived half of 2013.  Then, you decided you will cut your hair shorter than usual. You were afraid and hesitant but you went for it. That was the birth of the same old brand new you. Unsure of how it would look on you, you still gave it a shot and do you remember how light you felt after that? It felt like a big chunk was taken out of your head. It felt like you unloaded a big mess that has been pushing you down for years. That haircut symbolizes the new person that you decided to make out of yourself, the better version of yourself. Then you decided to continue with the Christian Life Program of your church and you couldn’t be happier now because you did. It changed your life. It was your life’s turning point and the timing was so right. You got the chance to spend the other half of the year feeling great, feeling better and less miserable. You’ve learned to forgive people and let go of the pains they caused you. You’ve developed this different outlook in life. You started to see things differently. You met people and friends you never knew you needed. You had to sacrifice some people in your life for this and I know you’re still unsure if it’s worth it but I know you feel a lot better now. It’s like you suddenly saw the light at the end of a dark tunnel. And, you found a new best friend, Jesus Christ. And I know that you know now that the only one who can satisfy and fill that missing part in your heart is the one who created it. Go on. Develop that special bond with Him. That’s all you’ll need to have a spectacular 2014.

Every year in your life comes with lessons. Some lessons you will have to learn the hard way but some would be as easy as 1-2-3. What have you learned last year?

Let me refresh your mind.

You learned a lot about life, about love, and about yourself. Last year was not a walk in the park but each experiences taught you a lesson that you’ll never forget and lessons that will be useful to you in this brand new journey.

In Life:

You learned that it always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun because life has this cruel way to let us grow sometimes. But, wrong choices bring us to the right places. Sometimes we have to get in to get out. Sometimes we have to try in order to know because what and if are two simple words but could be so devastating when put together. You realized that you don’t want to live a life that is full of regrets so you went out of that dark cloud of emotions that has been boxing you up for the past years. You gave life a chance and you realized how happy it could be if you let happiness in. You also learned to maximize your happiness. You let go of self destruction. You stopped being too hard on yourself. The moment you  realized that there is no way out you learned how to adapt because that’s the only thing left to do.  If you don’t get it, you don’t get it; That’s what you constantly tell yourself until one day you didn’t have to remind yourself about that anymore. You learned to shrug everything off. You just woke up one day and it gets better. You just woke up that you are not broken anymore. But, who are we kidding here? You also realized that feelings that come back are feelings that never went away. You still have those days; Days when you do not even want to talk to any person on this planet (yes, not even yourself.)  That’s alright because life is not perfect. Things sometimes fall together and sometimes they fall apart. That’s alright. You’re going to have those days. It reminds you that you can still feel. You are alive. And please remember what Ezra Fitz said “You must give up a life you planned in order to have a life that is waiting for you.” Reach for it. Go with it. It will be awesome because everything happens according to the will of God. Live for the moment.  Be sad if you feel sad but do not forget to put an end to it. Leave it for a while; It will be there when you come back. Have a life that is worth writing about. Make that dash between your years matter.

Career:

You changed your job twice last year.  Finally, you went out of your comfort zone because it is doing you no good. It wasn’t that easy switching from one job to another especially in a country where switching jobs are more complicated than love. You learned that going out of your comfort zone doesn’t guarantee you a spot in the list of people who are about to live a good life. You realized that leaving a place that makes you feel miserable doesn’t mean you will not be miserable anymore. The choices you made for your career aren’t very smart choices but you are dealing with them and you are doing it very well. You still have a long long way to go before you made it to the list. I am not even sure if you’ll get there. But, screw everything. Buckle up and just enjoy the ride. Mistakes are teachers and you can’t undo them. The only thing left for you to do is to learn from them. Make them right. Your life is not measured by what you do for a living. You won’t be judged by how successful you were when you’re still alive.  You have a life outside your job so at the end of a head popping day at work, have fun. Forget about your crappy boss, forget about your unproductivity, forget about your annoying clients and officemates. Yes, your work takes too much of your time so don’t spend the few hours left feeling crappy. When you step out of that office door, you’re a brand new person. And, please be reminded that it’s your choice to stay in that job so do not complain. I am hoping you will find the courage to quit sometime this year. Goodluck!

In Love:

Well, hello there!  This is new to me. I can’t believe I am writing about this now. I couldn’t remember the last time we talked about this.  Last year was the year when you put your guards off; The year when you opened yourself up for this crazy little thing called Love. How was it? Bittersweet? Oh, honey, that’s okay. Remember what you used to say over the years? “I want to experience my very first heartbreak before I fall completely in love.” Wish granted. haha! Should I tell you now to be careful what you wish for? It hurts, isn’t it? Do you still remember that feeling? It feels like all the butterflies in your stomach just died. Not to mention that you were not even in a relationship. How depressing is that? I can’t help but laugh at you. Sorry. I knew he was trouble when he walked in. He is nice and I would still choose him over any other boys for you. But, don’t you think we should accept the fact that he isn’t the right one for you? Or maybe God is still busy working on it; God is still busy making him the right one for you. Yes, I know, you really thought you had the chance. He was  nice and sweet and thoughtful and everything that you wanted him to be but some people are really better off as friends. I know he made you feel that you have a chance to end up together and it is not your fault that he didn’t have the balls to catch you when you fell for him. How stupid are you for falling for him? Didn’t you realize that no matter how right you are for each other, it’s just never gonna work out because he is somewhere else. No matter how hard you pray for it, if it’s not meant to be it will never be so instead of succumbing into self destruction again and doing those crazy things like feeding your stuffed animals or imagining movie scenes in your head, you might as well try this thing called moving on. Maybe someday he can man up and tell you he likes you,too. Take a break from him. Stop talking to him, stop looking at things that remind you of him, delete his photos on your cellphone, delete his messages, stop asking questions that start with ‘what if’, stop being there for him when he finally had the chance to squeeze you into his busy life, forget about the nice things that he said, forget about him because you know what? Letting go hurts but holding on hurts more. Stop being his doormat. Never let him play with your feelings again. Ever. You deserve so much better. It could still be him but a better version of him because yes, he really is nice and he is the first man that you actually liked so I hope God will enlighten your path towards each other. But, for now…move forward. Don’t think that you are not good enough. Nothing is wrong with you. The timing is just off.  Maybe it will be right someday.

Let me tell you this… (I don’t own any of these words but I thought they could help.)

Find someone who traces the lines in your hands just to feel close to you. Find someone who loves the bones in your body and loves the skin you live it. Find someone who will help you love yourself. Find someone who looks at you like you are magic. It’s always better to have beasts that let themselves be killed than men who runaway.  You may not be the easiest person to love but love was never easy and only courageous man can love. Never fall in love with a coward. Because you deserve flowers on your doorstep. You deserve notes left on your dashboard. You deserve honesty everyday. You deserve to be reminded how beautiful you are. Don’t hate yourself because you don’t  see yourself sleeping peacefully. You don’t see yourself getting excited over things you really love. You don’t see yourself smiling. I think all the things you do are beautiful. So, wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical. The kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at anytime no matter what circumstances. The person who will be brave enough to let the whole world know how much he loves you. Wait for the person who can make you smile like no one else and when you smile you know that they need you. Wait for the person who is not ashamed to show you off the world when you are in your sweats and a t-shirt. And most of all, wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe because that’s where you belong. Someday, someone will receive the love you can give and give it back to you as well. Someday, someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you’ve never seen, they’ll look at you like you’re everything they’ve been looking for their entire lives. Wait for that person. Someday, you’re going to have someone who forgets who he is when he is with you. Someone who can make you forget everything else. Someone who does the most random thing just to make you laugh. Someone you can fall asleep with and wake up to. Someone you can joke around with and end up smiling everytime. Someone who is going to give you that feeling of happiness again.  But, for now, do not hate what you don’t understand. Maybe someday you will understand why things can’t work out for you. Someday, you will find someone who loves you, cherishes you and values you. But, they have to know your value in order to value you. They can only know your worth if you know your worth. So, don’t let this break you. Someday he’ll realize that he should have bought you flowers and held your hands; Given you all his hour when he had the chance. But, for now, just stand up, put your head up, wipe your tears, put your red lipstick on, comb your hair, smile and walk away. You are now a heartbreak closer to loving that someone because he loved you first and because he loves you more.

For now, let’s work on having an awesome 2014.

Loving you always,

2014 Version of you

Dear Brokenhearted Man

Before I begin let me tell you that the purpose of this letter is not to hurt you again (since sabi mo isa ka sa mga nasaktan ko), not to remind you why I didn’t give you the chance that you asked for and not to refresh your memory of all the heartaches that I caused you since you started to like me. And please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to sound “feelingera” or something. Haha!

The main purpose of this letter is to make you understand it more why it didn’t work out or why I didn’t give you the chance to prove yourself to me. And hopefully, at the end of this letter you will find yourself moving on (just in case you’re still in the same place where it ended before it even began) and enjoying what life has in store for you.

I would like to apologize for hurting you or for breaking your heart in any way. Please know that there is no easy way to break somebody’s heart and my heart breaks a little every time I break one too. But, it’s not an excuse to play with people’s feelings or give them false hopes just to avoid hurting them. One day you’ll thank me for breaking yours when you finally found THE ONE. You’ll understand why it didn’t work out with somebody else. A friend once told me “Ang love hindi yan exam na pwedeng pag-aralan.” No offense but we can never convince our heart to beat for a person that doesn’t make our hearts beat faster than usual. Some people are really better off as friends. You know what I realized? I realized that there will really come a time that we will fall in love with someone who pushes us away. After everything, they will be forever known as the person who we couldn’t get to love us no matter what we do and it normally hurts more than the heartbreak we got from broken relationships. But, never ever let it erase all the memories of those who loved you in the past. Just because a particular person didn’t love you back doesn’t mean you are not worthy of someone else’s love because you are. When someone rejected you or turned you down it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. It just means that someone else is made for you and it’s not that person whom you desire. Love gives us the power to choose whether we will hurt or love someone. And, hurting you doesn’t make me a bad person. I am not apologizing for being true to myself and to you; I am apologizing for your pain caused by my honesty. I believe that someday it’s gonna make sense and you should believe that too. I am sorry for disappointing you and if I gave you false hope and wrong signals at some point. I am sorry if I turned you down for so many times. I am sorry for all the invitations that I declined and I am sorry if I can’t like you the same way that you do. Nothing’s wrong with you. You are fine. Maybe you are just made for someone else. Maybe someone else deserves the love you have to offer and I hope you meet her soon.

I would also like to thank you for your appreciation. I never wanted to call it “love” because love is such a deep word and it takes time before you can actually say that you love a person. I appreciate that you appreciate me because not everyone does. I appreciate how you notice the little things about me, how you notice that something is wrong based on my FB posts; I appreciate how you notice the little changes I made with myself and you never fail to make sure that I know it. You noticed when I cut my hair and told me it suits me, you notice it when something’s wrong and you always find the courage to ask why. I appreciate how much you paid attention on little things about me. I appreciate your effort to make me feel special in any way you can. I don’t know if I already thanked you for that but just in case I haven’t, here it is, thank you.

To end this, I wish you all the best in life and in love. Nobody deserves to get hurt and be stuck on that painful scenario forever so I hope that you love again. I hope that someday, you will bike around somewhere, you’ll stumble and by the time you get up you will see the girl of your dreams extending her hand to help you get up from the ground. I hope that you will reach for her hand and you will let her help you. Everybody deserves to be loved. There is someone waiting for you at the end of the road and that someone is some kind of reward for all the heartaches that you’ve been through from the past for loving the wrong ones. You deserve that love because you earned it. Once you find this love, hold on to it. This kind of love won’t ever leave you behind. You are entitled to this awesome kind of love so go get it. It’s yours. Wait for it. It will be epic. I assure you that. May God bless you and your heart.

Sincerely,

Me.

HOPE

What’s going on? What’s wrong with you? Why are you feeling down since Sunday? I thought attending the mass and having a quiet moment in the Adoration Chapel will help you get over that mountain of emotions you’re trying to overcome? But why are you still like that? Do you think it’s still normal to feel that way?

Lately, I have been noticing that you sleep a lot. Remember that one time when you went to a coffee shop with friends and you’re not even aware that you fell asleep? They just woke you up when it’s time to go home. Seriously, did you just go there to sleep? And, the moment you opened your eyes you felt lost and clueless of what happened that night. That’s why you are so surprised when a video of you sleeping came out the next day. And, last Monday night, you slept earlier than usual but still felt like you didn’t get enough sleep the next day. And then last night, I can’t believe you slept around 8pm, on the wrong side of the bed, with your ipad playing Bo Sanchez’ talk about “Developing a Positive Mindset”. If your roommate didn’t wake you up I bet you overslept and failed to go to work. Why do you always unconsciously fall into a deep slumber? Do you find comfort in sleeping because it’s such a chore to stay awake? This is starting to bother me. Seriously.

And, you are so unmotivated these past few days. I feel like you are not in the mood to do anything or to talk to anyone (not even to your closest friends). You don’t even respond to viber messages. I don’t know what to do to you anymore. I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better. I tried but you just fall asleep everytime I try to talk to you. Sometimes I want to shake you until you wake up and see the beauty of a new day that God has given you to enjoy. I want to understand you; I really do. I want to know how one day you are in a very good mood and days later it seems like the whole world is on your shoulder. I thought you are over this stage? I thought you’ve finally found the happiness that you’ve been running after for so long. I thought you’ve had your life’s turning point? I thought you’re tired of being this way? I thought you’re tired of being sad so you just woke up one day and decided that you don’t want to be like that anymore? But, look at you now; You’re back to your old self. Do you want to be like that again? Isn’t it more enjoyable if you will just, for goodness sake, decide to be happy and not overthink things? How come some people lost someone they love and they can still wake up every morning with a smile on their faces and you who lost nothing regrets each day before you even start it?

Let me assure you. Remember what Bo Sanchez said? “The last chapter of your life has been written and it has a happy ending.” Isn’t that assurance enough for you to go on with life no matter how emotionally and mentally tired you are? Isn’t that enough for you to enjoy the rain while waiting for the rainbow? Don’t just sleep. Wake up. Screw the world. See the world. Go out with positive friends. Stop overthinking. Stop torturing yourself. Breathe in and out. Can you just realize how lucky you are to be able to do that? Stop looking for what’s lacking in your life and focus on what you have. Let go of the past and look forward to what the future can bring. It may be a little stormy now but it won’t rain forever. Find happiness in little things. Count your blessings. Let go and Let God. Develop a personal relationship with Him. Pray often because there’s no better feeling than the feeling you get after praying. I know you can’t do all these in a snap of a finger but you’ll get there. One day, you will learn how to deal with life’s disappointments and imperfections. You won’t cry yourself to sleep. You won’t feel a day feeling awful. You won’t beg people to appreciate you. You will be alright.

Never give up. HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends.

 

How-to-Motivate-an-Unmotivated-Teen

 

I will never get tired of cheering you up. But, please listen to me sometimes.

Your best friend and worst enemy,

Yourself.

P.S. I hope the days to come will be awesome. Hey, I love you, you idiot. 😀

Dear Future Lover

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Let me sing you a Michael Buble song that best describes my process of waiting for you. This song is just perfect and it gives me goose bumps every time I hear it. It goes like this….

 I know someday that it’ll all turn out

 You’ll make me work, so we can work to work it out

I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get

 I JUST HAVEN’T MET YOU YET

I might have to wait

I’ll never give up

 I guess it’s half timing, and the other half’s luck

 Wherever you are, whenever it’s right

 You’ll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing

And, baby, your love is gonna change me

They say all’s fair  In love and war

 But I won’t need to fight it

 We’ll get it right and we’ll be united

<3 <3 <3

I don’t know where you are right now or what you are doing or who is with you but I know someday our paths will cross at the right time, right place and right moment. I bet it will be epic. I don’t care if I’ll bump with you in a mall or I’ll meet you at a common friend’s party or you’ll offer a seat in Church or maybe you’ll just accidentally dial my number, the point here is, you’ll meet me and I’ll meet you. “You’ll come out of nowhere and into my life.” That will be the start of our happily ever after.

To be completely honest, I am not praying for you. Well, okay, I prayed for you once and I never mentioned it to God since then. I trust His plans and I know He’ll send you to me when my heart is ready and when that time comes I will know that you are the one. There will be no doubts or hesitations or fear. It would be like magic. Timing is everything and our timing will be perfect. By that time, I will let go of all my fears and doubts because I know you will be worth the risk. I will not be afraid to give it a shot and we’ll both be happy.

But, for now, I am still having the time of my life with my family and friends. I don’t think I need you now to be happy. Although I know that it’ll be happier if I have you but let’s just be happier later. I guess I’ll just see you soon and I promise you when that time comes it will be amazing. I just haven’t met you yet but I know you will be worth the wait and one day I will wake up next to you and kiss you good morning and sleep next to you and kiss the day goodbye.

Wherever you are right now, whatever you’re doing and whoever is with you, I will just be right here waiting for you. Find me if you can.

xoxo,

Your Future Lover

Dear Thirty Something Me

Well, hello there! How are you businesswoman? I bet the business is doing great because you have been very busy lately. Am I right? Keep it up, girl! I know you’ve always wanted to be your own boss. You deserve all the blessings you are getting. Brace yourself, free your hands because more blessing are about to come. All your hard work and sacrifices paid off. You’re finally the captain of your own ship and be calm for you are going in the right direction.

But, don’t be too occupied. Take a break. Perhaps a trip to the beach with your long time friends will do. Shall I book that ticket to Boracay? or Cebu? or La Union? or maybe you want to try Phuket? Come on and book that flight before your much anticipated trip to Paris. Oh, Good time. Lucky You!

Oh, before I forget, how are the twins? Are you enjoying motherhood? They are so cute. Adorable. I can’t stop looking at them especially when they are asleep. It still amazes me how much God trusted you with the lives of those little babies on your hands. They are perfect. I know sleepless nights are hard but I can read on your face how happy you have become since they were born. How’s ???? as a first time dad? I bet he is thrilled too. Whenever I picture a happy family I always think about yours. Your house is full of love and happiness.

Okay, gotta go. I need to run some errands. Grocery shopping is always fun. And, I think I will do some shopping too.

I Love You. I can’t wait to be you.

Oh life, the best is yet to come. Cheers!

Love,

Twenty Something You

 

Changes

Why do I have this feeling that I am about to lose you soon? Why do I have this extensive amount of fear deep in my heart? I feel like life will find a way to tear as apart. I feel like we don’t have much time left to be together.

Where is this fear coming from? Who can stop me from feeling this way?

But, as they always say, you only lose something that you’re holding on to. Does it mean I have to let go or it simply means that I should be prepared of losing you?

Here I am begging God again to give me more time with you. You are essential to my survival. I need you and I am not yet prepared not to have you. I can adjust with the changes in our lives but i cannot handle losing you. But how long can I keep up with the changes? I really don’t know.

But, above all reasons…the top reason for my fear is because you haven’t taught me how to live without you yet.

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Note To Self

Hey!

I know I just normally write to you on your birthday or when it’s a start of a new year. But, on a normal day like this, I decided to write you a letter. Out of boredom, maybe. Or I just thought you need to hear from me now. Perhaps you’re in need of a little assurance that everything’s gonna be okay someday.

I just want to tell you that you are stronger than you think, braver than you feel and smarter than what other people think about you. I guess you know better now and you’ve learned valuable lessons in life (the hard way). And, you are a better and a stronger individual now because of that. I personally believe that there is nothing that you can’t handle. Life can throw punches at you forever but you will always be a survivor.

I am really proud of what you have become. I never really thought that you are that brave. I guess I underestimated you. You surprise me everyday.

Life is not a walk in the park and you know that, right? And, you are so ready for it.

Always keep these things in mind:

1. You can’t expect everything to go your way. Some things might actually go the opposite way and throwing tantrums will not help. Don’t cry over little things. Just deal with them.

2. Goodbye, like change, is constant. Someday, you will have to kiss someone goodbye. And, that’s okay. It’s gonna hurt but it’s okay. Cry if you have to but don’t cry a river. Tears can’t bring people back. Stop dehydrating yourself.

3. Some things will hurt. It will hurt because it mattered. But, never stop cherishing things or people.

4. Life is a basket-full of lemon . Millions of lemon will be thrown at you. Make as much lemonade as you can, sell them and benefit from them. Then, don’t forget to thank life for them.

5. It’s all gonna end. Everything’s gonna end. Nothing lasts forever. It may be stormy now but it can’t rain forever.

YOU’LL BE FINE. Just stay alive to see how the story ends.

Have a nice life!

Love always,

Me

Stop Light

Thank you for making everything last longer.
Thank you for giving people more time to exchange comforting hugs.
Thank you for giving people more time to talk.
Thank you for giving people the chance to have last minute goodbyes.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for a few more minutes of happiness.
Thank you very much.
Please, don’t turn green ever again.

Have You Ever

Have you ever experienced having a tremendous amount of pain in your heart? Like the world suddenly fell on your shoulders. Like a gun shot. And that feeling of being infinite suddenly ended…just like that. Right there. At that very moment and you’re caught unprepared and you didn’t know what to do or how to put yourself back together. You felt like crying but struggled so hard not to burst out so you ended up breaking your own heart and no one knows why.

Have you ever lost a favorite toy and found it again after a long time? It was the same toy but it felt totally strange when you tried to play with it again. But. you still tried hard to have the feeling back.

Have you ever reunited with an old pet dog that you missed so much but was terribly ill so you had to let go of him after the reunion?

Have you ever wanted something back? Something that you knew you couldn’t have.

Have you ever fooled yourself that it’s gonna be okay when you know in your heart that it will never be okay. Ever.

Oh yes . That’s when you told me that you’re leaving and not coming back. Because sometimes what holds you together and what holds you apart are the same things. I wish I never knew you but I’m really glad I did.

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