Monsters In My Head (Under My Bed)

You are not good enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not cool enough. You’re not even close to the normal standards of the world. Yes. Go ahead. Be insecure. Feel bad about yourself. Feel sorry for yourself. You are nothing but a tiny lonely dot in this big world. Insignificant. Worthless.

Those are some of the words that I am dealing with each time the monsters in my head get too talkative and start poisoning my mind with negative thoughts which eventually get the best out of me; Because I always believe them. I never thought how much power our thoughts have over us. They can easily swing us from a sunshine and happiness factory to a loneliness producing machine. These monsters usually haunt me in the middle of a quiet night when i am all alone and trying to get a decent amount of sleep. I have always thought that they are under my bed but later I realized that they are inside my head following me everywhere I go; whispering louder than my conscience and the friendly voices until I get convinced that I am nothing but a tiny insignificant dot in this big world. The struggle starts and it is real.

I was never somebody’s first choice. I always have to prove myself to people. I have to prove that I am worth their time. I am worth their attention. I remember growing up, I get compared a lot with my cousins. “How come you never wear slippers? Look at your cousin, she has clean feet because she always wears her slipper. How come you are not close to your dad? Look at how close is your cousin to her dad.” Etcetera. Then, on our elementary graduation, I tried my best to be the class valedictorian but someone is always better than I am so I ended up being just the class salutatorian. It is not that my parents are pressuring me to be the best. My parents are the most understanding parents. It is just that I feel the need to achieve something grand; to do something with significance. To be the first at least once in my life.

Then, I grew up and went to high school. That was the time in my life when I achieved a lot. I was the school’s student council president, I was the school paper’s editor in chief, I have competed and won a series of news writing contests on different levels. I even made it to the National level. My teachers were so proud of me. They strongly believed that I will succeed and achieve more in college. And, for a time, I thought I would to.

Here comes college. This is the time when you will start putting your life in perspective. This is the time when you’ll really start building your dreams. The preparation stage for your future career. This is when you will realize that there are hundreds, thousands or even more people who are better than you. Suddenly, I realized that all my achievements in high school don’t matter anymore. I was the average college student. I am the kind of student teachers don’t know exist unless I make my presence known. I have only made it to the honor’s list a few times but I never really excelled in college. I am just the student who studies to pass not to be on the honor roll. I wouldn’t even pass algebra and statistics if I hadn’t been seated beside one of the top students in our class. The monsters in my head told me I should stop trying to achieve some thing and just be okay with the fact that at least I don’t have any failing grades. So, I graduated college. I am just glad I did. No special awards, no recognition, just a single tiny dot in the crowd of students who can’t wait to conquer the “real world” and start building their career.

 Going out into the real world and stepping out of your comfort zone are not easy. It requires a lot of wisdom and courage. You can’t just apply to any available job just for the sake of experience because each step that you will take is a step towards where you want to be. But, you can’t be choosy especially when you are trying to land your first job. After a series of job applications, I have finally decided to give in to my family’s plan to send me to Qatar and work there instead of using all my energy and money looking for a job that will not pay me enough. A year after graduation, I just found myself taking the flight to Doha, Qatar with all my dreams and high hopes in the bag. My life has never been the same since then.

The “real world” is truly harsh. I won’t elaborate on that but my first few years in Doha was not a walk in the park. It destroyed my self esteem. The monsters followed me even if I flew oceans away from them. “Settle for this job because you can’t do better than this. Accept harsh treatment from people because that’s what you deserve. Sell yourself short because you have nothing better to offer.” So, I settled. I have been settling for years and to be honest, I kinda forgot how to believe in myself anymore. I am not even a work in progress. I’m stagnant. Not moving on; not moving forward; not moving at all.

I have been dealing with these monsters in my head for a while now. They leave me restless. They leave me insecure. They leave me frustrated. They leave me struggling.

Then I thought, maybe someday I will be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough and cool enough. Maybe someday the standards of the world won’t apply to me. Maybe someday these monsters in my head will leave me alone. Maybe someday I won’t settle. Maybe someday I will be somebody’s first choice. Maybe someday I won’t have to prove myself anymore. Maybe someday I will find the significance of the tiny place I occupy in this great big world. Maybe someday I will know to whom I belong.

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I BELONG TO GOD. I AM GOD’S BELOVED.

And, someday I will befriend these monsters in my head.

In Search of Something

Soul Searching:

noun. deep and anxious consideration of one’s emotions and motives.

Twenty six days ago I posted about my so called soul searching. It would have been finished by now if I just started it the moment I said I would. But, my thoughts weren’t organized. No matter how hard I try, I can’t put my thoughts into writing. I was frustrated. I still am. But, I have to fight against my frustrations. So, here I am now, with my still unorganized thoughts and lack of words, facing my computer screen, squeezing every amount of creative juice inside my head, looking back on the days that passed, writing. Ah, it has been a while. So, let’s start.

It was a normal evening. The pre-summer breeze doesn’t burn that much. I was sitting inside a coffee shop all by myself while waiting for a friend. I pulled a couch and faced it towards the view of people inside cars rushing to go home, the blinking of traffic lights from green to orange to red, the traffic jam and the impatient people, the dark sky and the tiny dots of stars, the vast horizon of the unknown. I was facing towards everything and anything that my eyes can see. I felt so small and ,not to mention, irrelevant. There is a big world out there that needs to be explored. There are a lot of stories waiting to be told. There are reasons why those people were rushing to go home. We all carry our own burden. No story is ever the same. I am just a tiny dot in this big big world. I could disappear at that very moment and no one would ever notice. Truly irrelevant.

I was so full of myself. I only listen to what I have to say. I only mind my own feelings. And, all this time, I was thinking that the world is against me. I did not realize that the only thing that is against me is myself. I was so focused on myself and I failed to realize that myself is just a tiny dot in this chaotic world. Things started to not make sense to me anymore. It seems like I don’t understand a thing.

That night, my friend and I talked about basically anything. We jumped from one topic to another. We talked about our dreams, our pains, our sentiments, our burdens and disappointments. We told each other stories of our lives; about past hurts and triumphs. Everyone has a lot of stories to tell if we will only sit down and listen for a while. If we will only let others talk. There is a time for you to share your own stories, too. I found it strange retelling stories that I chose to forget; telling stories of sentiments that I chose not to acknowledge. But, that night, I came to a realization that I have gone through a lot in life and I survived them all. I realized that sometimes, problems really do reoccur until we learn. I have been dealing with the same old struggles ever since I can remember and it pains me to know that I never learned,  I refused to learn. What is there to learn anyway? What is life trying to tell me? What is the relevance and significance of the tiny dot that I occupy in this world? Is there gonna be more to life?

I don’t know if I have enough enthusiasm to find out. But, I am here and I want a relevant existence. Thus, the search begins. I am now acknowledging my need for understanding my emotions.

“Lord, empty me of myself so I will be filled with You.”

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Dear Self

You can do it.

You can find the right words.

You can write something.

Come on.

Concentrate.

Write about your sleepless nights.

Write about snoozing your alarm every morning.

And jumping out of bed because you are late for work.

Write about your battles in the silent chambers of your soul.

And how you try to fight the monsters under your bed every day.

Yes, every day.

Write about your fears, hope, dreams and doubts.

Write about anything.

Write. Just write.

Why? Because you can.

Exit

Exit: noun. A way out. I had this conversation with a friend a while ago. He told me “sabi nila minsan gagaan if i-try bitawan yung nagpapabigat.” (They said, sometimes, it will be lighter if we will let go of the things that are weighing us down.). Then, we found ourselves talking about exits. This is what I told him, “We have this thing called emergency exit…this exit is for those who want to go out for a while to rest even if they are still far from the final exit. We also have the fire exit… this is for those who need to go out even if they don’t want to yet just because it’s not healthy for them to stay inside. Lastly, the final exit. You can’t avoid this one because this is the end of the road. It’s not important whether you win or lose; what’s important is you reached this point which means you didn’t give up. That still makes you a winner.”

I guess most of us are caught in the middle most of the time. Torn between decisions that could either make or break us. Torn between two lovers. Torn between someone who loves us and someone we love. Torn between pursuing and just admiring from afar. Torn between wants and needs. Torn between staying in a job we hate and passing that resignation letter. Torn between whether to keep going or give up. The line is endless. People will constantly be torn in between things because that’s what life is about; it’s about making decisions, about taking chances, about choosing what is best for us.

“Sa bawat isang bagay na pinipili mo, meron kang libo-libong bagay na tinatalikuran.” (In every single thing that you choose, you have thousand things to abandon.) This is why we should be wise in making our choices because we can’t undo things once it’s done. The only thing left for us to do is to face the consequences of our decisions. But, the truth is, there is no right or wrong decision, we just have to make a decision and make it right. Do whatever it takes to make it right. It’s either you win or you learn.

I am not a risky person. I always play it safe. I always settle. I always think that what I have is exactly what I deserve. Maybe that’s why I don’t always get what I want. That sucks. Yeah, it does.

But, until when should we really fight for what we want? When should we give up? When should we head to the exit? Which exit should we take? Emergency exits are everywhere. It’s an unlimited lifeline. When things get harder to bear, you don’t necessarily have to let go or to stop. Rest is a must. It allows you to think clearer. To think about your next steps until you’re ready to go inside again. Do whatever it takes to win. But, when it really gets too tiring without any sight of the silver lining and you are so exhausted in finding the right way out to the point that you are losing yourself along the way, I guess it’s time to take the fire exit before you get burned. Burns cause permanent scars. Scars are good, though. They remind you that you fought a good fight. A scarred soldier fought the hardest. Good job. Not getting what you want doesn’t mean you lost the battle, sometimes, losing means winning. You’ve just won yourself back. You have learned how to acknowledge defeat by knowing when to stop. Then, here comes  the final exit. This is where it all ends. This is the finished line. This is the sign that you made it. That even if you took the fire exit, it still lead you here. Pat yourself at the back. You were great in there. If you’re lucky enough, sometimes, life lets you go out of the final exit with the prize in your hand. Hold it with pride. You deserve it. Enjoy it. Take care of it. But, really, just the fact that you made it through every agonizing part of the journey and you made it at this point, you’ve already won. Not all winners have trophies, some only have lessons. Take the final exit. Go out with pride. Proceed to the next journey. After all, every exit is an entrance to somewhere else. You’ll never know what the next journey will bring. Maybe you never get what you wanted because you are meant to get something better. Something that you deserve and who deserves you too. Something that will make all the scars, rejections and pain worth it. By that time, I assure you, you will never have to let go.

So, to you, my friend, keep going. The road may still be long but keep going. As what you’ve said, don’t lose a battle without a fight. See you at the end of the line.

That Place Called Qatar

“Kapag nagkapera ka eh gusto mo na lang gumawa ng pera tapos marerealize mo eight years na ang lumipas.” – Anthony to Mace, That Thing Called Tadhana The Movie

(When you make money, you’ll want to make more of it. Then, you’ll realize, it has been eight years.)

In my case, six years. I celebrated my 6th year anniversary in Qatar last February 26. I can’t believe it has been six years since I left my country with high hopes for a greener pasture and a brighter future. It is more than the years I spent in college. I don’t even know how it passed. It’s like I just woke up one day and I am not as young as I was before. Here I am now. Living on my own, paying my own bills and working hard to get what I want. Yeah, total independence. It’s funny how we rush into growing up believing that it is more fun and fulfilling not knowing that growing up means stepping out of your comfort zone and dealing with every cruel things this world has to offer.

“Aren’t we supposed to be great by this time?” Mace to Anthony. After watching this romantic comedy film, that line got me thinking. Am I really supposed to be great by now? Am I supposed to be successful? Am I supposed to be living the dream? What is greatness anyway? What is success? And yeah, what are my dreams? Or…do I even have one?

Six Years ago, I remember the first time I left. I had a bag full of dreams which I carried with me. The 30 kg baggage allowance isn’t even enough to bring all of them. But, I carried them all in my heart and they survived the 9-hour flight from Manila to Doha. At that time, I felt like I can conquer the world. The independence is quite liberating. It makes you believe that you can do everything you want. But, I was wrong. It wasn’t a walk in the park. It wasn’t as easy as I believed it would be. In fact, it was harder than I thought. My first year was filled with problems. The struggle in finding a fulfilling job, frustrations, homesickness all rolled into one. The succeeding years didn’t get any better. I still have to deal with same problems plus more. The struggle in staying in a job that I hate, frustrations, homesickness, money, family and relationship issues. Things are just falling apart one by one. I have told myself for so many times that I don’t want to do it anymore. Every time I will go home for an annual leave, I always tell myself that I will not be coming back. But, every time, I always find myself inside the plane going back to the place that I ought to forget. With tears in my eyes, I always watch the Philippine lights until they disappear from my sight.

It has been six years now. It’s amazing how I got this far. I don’t know how but I am glad I made it this far. I have always thought that I put my life into waste by staying here. I guess I became too busy making money to buy superficial happiness without noticing how time flies. I was too busy making money that I can’t enjoy. I was too busy making money not for myself but for those who are counting on me. It was a fulfillment for me to give back to my parents. But, as time goes by, I realize that I am losing my dreams. I don’t know how to dream anymore. I always imagine how my life would turn out if I didn’t take that flight to Qatar; if I didn’t agree to come here; if I gave up on my first year; if I didn’t do the things I did. Would I be happier? That will always be a mystery. Because this is where I am now, this is where I’m supposed to be, this is where God intended me to be. Yes, I spent six years of my life here. I still don’t own a house or a car or anything grand. I still fall short sometimes. I don’t have a career that I can proudly tell the world about. I haven’t done anything extraordinary. All I have are experiences, insecurities, learnings, realizations, triumphs and failures.

A friend once told me, “If I will be miserable, I should at least be miserable in a place that I like.” Friends always ask me why I keep on coming back if I don’t really want to. Why am I staying here if I can choose to go back home anytime? It’s true. It’s so easy to take the last flight out. To turn my back on this country and just leave everything behind and to never look back again. But, then I thought, Qatar made me stronger in every sense of the word. Qatar taught me many lessons, sometimes the hard way, that I will never forget. Qatar might have been tough on me but Qatar lead me to where I am supposed to be, to the people that, one way or the other, changed me. Qatar made me who I am.

I don’t know how long I would stay here. Maybe a year or two. Maybe another six years. I don’t really know. Would I do it differently if I could go back and rewrite the past? Maybe not… hmmm? On a second thought, maybe a few minor revisions would be helpful.

Are we really supposed to be great by this time? We are already great. We just haven’t realized it yet.

By the time I wave good bye to Qatar, God knows when, it will be bittersweet. But, just like before, I will  carry all my fulfilled, unfulfilled and even my forgotten dreams in my heart as I take that last flight out. With tears in my eyes, I will watch the Qatar lights as they disappear from my sight. I can’t wait for that day. Oh, I just realized, I never stopped dreaming. Because going back home for good has always been my dream.

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The Day My Father Cried

My father and I don’t really have a mushy relationship. We rarely say ‘I love you’, we don’t exchange hugs and kisses, we don’t sit on the porch and talk about life. In fact, I rarely call him when I’m abroad. But, we have this special connection that only a father and a daughter have. A connection that assures me how much my father loves me beyond words, beyond actions. I wasn’t home for two and a half years. I am constantly in touch with my mother but never with my father. During those times, I felt that it is okay because my father never tried to reach out with me anyway.

After two and a half years of not being home, I finally was blessed with a chance to go home to be with my family again. I had the best time of my life. I have been going back and forth to places that I missed when I was away. But, I never really had enough time with my dad. All I had with him were random conversations whenever I will see him eating alone in the kitchen or when I will ask him to buy me something like “gatas ng kalabaw” (Carabao’s milk) for example. I remember one morning when I craved for it and he searched everywhere for it or that time when I got home from Singapore and arrived at three in the morning and he was the only one who woke up to pick me from the bus terminal. I didn’t appreciate little things like those. At that moment, I failed to see the beauty of it. How my dad will go anywhere to give me what I want and how much he is willing to sacrifice for me. I wish I did.

Thirty days passed. It’s time for me to leave again.  We were in the airport putting off goodbye. But, time is the worst enemy. I put goodbye off until I can’t put it off anymore. It’s time to turn my back to the country that I love the most and worse, to my parents who dropped me off the airport. I held back tears. I told them to go ahead and to not wait ’til I get inside the airport. I gave them a hug. Each of them. I hugged them as tight as I could hoping that I’ll be glued to them and I won’t be able to let go. But, reality sets in. It’s time to chase some pavements once again even if it leads nowhere because that’s the only way to grow. I kissed and hugged them goodbye for the nth time. I never wanted to look at them but the moment i let go of the hug, I saw dad’s eyes filled with tears, his nose red and he’s avoiding my stare. I told them “Go. Take care. Love you.” I watched them until they disappear from my sight. Then I thought to myself “If it’s hard for me to leave, it is harder to for my parents to go back home without their princess.” My father and I may not have shared precious moments but still find it hard to let me go is just a representation of true love.

The day my father cried was the day I regained my strength and the day I realized what my battle is all about. It’s not really about winning. It’s about making those tears count. I know God is with me and he is victoriously fighting whenever I couldn’t fight for myself.

I love you, daddy! <3 I love all your imperfections. You will always be the first man that I love and no one can ever take your place. I haven’t achieved much in life but having a father like you, though not perfect, is enough reason to celebrate God’s love not just for me but for our family. We are truly blessed to be loved by you.

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By God’s grace, I was once again blessed with a chance to go home in December. I bet my vacation will be full of hugs, conversations and love. <3 May God be praised!

From The Heart To The Heart

I am usually the one who writes letters to people but, this time, someone sent a letter to me and it totally melted my heart.

Dear Erika Paulette,

It is amazing how you handle your every days. I can’t imagine how hard you are going through right now but I am amazed how you compose yourself and be you. I have been meaning to write you for so long- I have already written you a letter, but pardon me for not letting you know earlier. Sorry for not sparing a quality time and ask you how you really are and intently listen to your fears and troubles. It would be my pleasure hearing your heart’s sentiments and see how human and true you are. Nonetheless, you are doing a good job being you. In times as hard as this, you can cry and feel the pain and push yourself forward to carry on, and be weak- but those are exactly the things strong people do. Strong people like you. This is to thank you for all the rubs. Rubs of love that we share; those rubs give me comfort and the assurances that I have you and sometimes, rubs are all we need. The physical touch that means someone is there.

It doesn’t matter if that someone is sad or happy, down or high. It matters only that someone is there and in spite of life’s lemons, we go on like lemons are our favorite things. It amazes me how I see myself in you- in many ways. The self that I was once before. Writing love letters and taking time to give gifts. Expressing my heart’s content and trying to make everyone around me happy. Thank you for reminding me to slow down and once again treasure the simplicity and sweetness of life. To laugh until we cry, to sing and sing and dance and dance because nothing in the world could be better than being free.

In putting smiles to our faces, in putting efforts in your sincere caring gestures, in being totally true to yourself- you are the Eckay that we all need. Yes, we need you. The world needs you. If I could clone you, I’d make so many copies of you so that the world would be a more wonderful place. You are that powerful, Ecks. God has gifted you the charm to lift up so many souls, the smile that makes people forget their troubles, the vibrant presence that reminds us of all the good there is to this planet.
Please come back soon. Take the time you need to be okay. I mean, that is okay. We all need hiatus so we could be better, bolder, and greater. We all need to face the storm even if we are afraid. We all need to move forward even if we are scarred all over. Scarred people are beautiful. Scars are signs of all the battles we have won. Battles against ourselves because those are the only legit battles we have. And this very battle you are in will be over soon. Just like any storms you have been through in the many yesterdays, this, too, shall pass. And we can’t wait to experience a rub from someone who once again won a tough war. God sees how much you are suffering and He knows what exactly you need. And, He is all that you need.

Please be comforted by the truth that God is watching you and pleased by how you are fighting this hard. A worrier becoming a warrior. I love you, Ecks and I don’t know what else to say. Just remain as BE-YOU-TIFUL as you are and everything will be fine. Soon. Hold on and hold on because one day we’ll laugh at this like this was just a stupid joke after all.

D.Tangente, 17032014.

Dear 2013 Version of Myself

How are you? I am so glad I finally had the chance to write to you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I know it is eight days late but it doesn’t matter.

I would like to pat your back for a job well done. You survived 2013. You survived one long year of not being home. A lot of life altering moments happened last year, right? I bet it was a memorable year for you. You deserve more than a pat on the back for that.

You’ve been through a lot last year. Last year was all about epic highs and devastating lows. You spent half of last year miserable and I almost thought you can’t get over it. I almost thought you’ll spend the whole year regretting everything, holding grudge against people, cursing people silently, fighting that battle in the silent chambers of your soul, wishing you could turn back time and do things differently, wishing you didn’t trust people that much, wishing you were a different person. Well, you know what? I am glad you didn’t wish to be a different person because, believe it or not, I love you just the way you are. You are a strong woman with a very high tolerance to bullshit and that helped you survived half of 2013.  Then, you decided you will cut your hair shorter than usual. You were afraid and hesitant but you went for it. That was the birth of the same old brand new you. Unsure of how it would look on you, you still gave it a shot and do you remember how light you felt after that? It felt like a big chunk was taken out of your head. It felt like you unloaded a big mess that has been pushing you down for years. That haircut symbolizes the new person that you decided to make out of yourself, the better version of yourself. Then you decided to continue with the Christian Life Program of your church and you couldn’t be happier now because you did. It changed your life. It was your life’s turning point and the timing was so right. You got the chance to spend the other half of the year feeling great, feeling better and less miserable. You’ve learned to forgive people and let go of the pains they caused you. You’ve developed this different outlook in life. You started to see things differently. You met people and friends you never knew you needed. You had to sacrifice some people in your life for this and I know you’re still unsure if it’s worth it but I know you feel a lot better now. It’s like you suddenly saw the light at the end of a dark tunnel. And, you found a new best friend, Jesus Christ. And I know that you know now that the only one who can satisfy and fill that missing part in your heart is the one who created it. Go on. Develop that special bond with Him. That’s all you’ll need to have a spectacular 2014.

Every year in your life comes with lessons. Some lessons you will have to learn the hard way but some would be as easy as 1-2-3. What have you learned last year?

Let me refresh your mind.

You learned a lot about life, about love, and about yourself. Last year was not a walk in the park but each experiences taught you a lesson that you’ll never forget and lessons that will be useful to you in this brand new journey.

In Life:

You learned that it always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun because life has this cruel way to let us grow sometimes. But, wrong choices bring us to the right places. Sometimes we have to get in to get out. Sometimes we have to try in order to know because what and if are two simple words but could be so devastating when put together. You realized that you don’t want to live a life that is full of regrets so you went out of that dark cloud of emotions that has been boxing you up for the past years. You gave life a chance and you realized how happy it could be if you let happiness in. You also learned to maximize your happiness. You let go of self destruction. You stopped being too hard on yourself. The moment you  realized that there is no way out you learned how to adapt because that’s the only thing left to do.  If you don’t get it, you don’t get it; That’s what you constantly tell yourself until one day you didn’t have to remind yourself about that anymore. You learned to shrug everything off. You just woke up one day and it gets better. You just woke up that you are not broken anymore. But, who are we kidding here? You also realized that feelings that come back are feelings that never went away. You still have those days; Days when you do not even want to talk to any person on this planet (yes, not even yourself.)  That’s alright because life is not perfect. Things sometimes fall together and sometimes they fall apart. That’s alright. You’re going to have those days. It reminds you that you can still feel. You are alive. And please remember what Ezra Fitz said “You must give up a life you planned in order to have a life that is waiting for you.” Reach for it. Go with it. It will be awesome because everything happens according to the will of God. Live for the moment.  Be sad if you feel sad but do not forget to put an end to it. Leave it for a while; It will be there when you come back. Have a life that is worth writing about. Make that dash between your years matter.

Career:

You changed your job twice last year.  Finally, you went out of your comfort zone because it is doing you no good. It wasn’t that easy switching from one job to another especially in a country where switching jobs are more complicated than love. You learned that going out of your comfort zone doesn’t guarantee you a spot in the list of people who are about to live a good life. You realized that leaving a place that makes you feel miserable doesn’t mean you will not be miserable anymore. The choices you made for your career aren’t very smart choices but you are dealing with them and you are doing it very well. You still have a long long way to go before you made it to the list. I am not even sure if you’ll get there. But, screw everything. Buckle up and just enjoy the ride. Mistakes are teachers and you can’t undo them. The only thing left for you to do is to learn from them. Make them right. Your life is not measured by what you do for a living. You won’t be judged by how successful you were when you’re still alive.  You have a life outside your job so at the end of a head popping day at work, have fun. Forget about your crappy boss, forget about your unproductivity, forget about your annoying clients and officemates. Yes, your work takes too much of your time so don’t spend the few hours left feeling crappy. When you step out of that office door, you’re a brand new person. And, please be reminded that it’s your choice to stay in that job so do not complain. I am hoping you will find the courage to quit sometime this year. Goodluck!

In Love:

Well, hello there!  This is new to me. I can’t believe I am writing about this now. I couldn’t remember the last time we talked about this.  Last year was the year when you put your guards off; The year when you opened yourself up for this crazy little thing called Love. How was it? Bittersweet? Oh, honey, that’s okay. Remember what you used to say over the years? “I want to experience my very first heartbreak before I fall completely in love.” Wish granted. haha! Should I tell you now to be careful what you wish for? It hurts, isn’t it? Do you still remember that feeling? It feels like all the butterflies in your stomach just died. Not to mention that you were not even in a relationship. How depressing is that? I can’t help but laugh at you. Sorry. I knew he was trouble when he walked in. He is nice and I would still choose him over any other boys for you. But, don’t you think we should accept the fact that he isn’t the right one for you? Or maybe God is still busy working on it; God is still busy making him the right one for you. Yes, I know, you really thought you had the chance. He was  nice and sweet and thoughtful and everything that you wanted him to be but some people are really better off as friends. I know he made you feel that you have a chance to end up together and it is not your fault that he didn’t have the balls to catch you when you fell for him. How stupid are you for falling for him? Didn’t you realize that no matter how right you are for each other, it’s just never gonna work out because he is somewhere else. No matter how hard you pray for it, if it’s not meant to be it will never be so instead of succumbing into self destruction again and doing those crazy things like feeding your stuffed animals or imagining movie scenes in your head, you might as well try this thing called moving on. Maybe someday he can man up and tell you he likes you,too. Take a break from him. Stop talking to him, stop looking at things that remind you of him, delete his photos on your cellphone, delete his messages, stop asking questions that start with ‘what if’, stop being there for him when he finally had the chance to squeeze you into his busy life, forget about the nice things that he said, forget about him because you know what? Letting go hurts but holding on hurts more. Stop being his doormat. Never let him play with your feelings again. Ever. You deserve so much better. It could still be him but a better version of him because yes, he really is nice and he is the first man that you actually liked so I hope God will enlighten your path towards each other. But, for now…move forward. Don’t think that you are not good enough. Nothing is wrong with you. The timing is just off.  Maybe it will be right someday.

Let me tell you this… (I don’t own any of these words but I thought they could help.)

Find someone who traces the lines in your hands just to feel close to you. Find someone who loves the bones in your body and loves the skin you live it. Find someone who will help you love yourself. Find someone who looks at you like you are magic. It’s always better to have beasts that let themselves be killed than men who runaway.  You may not be the easiest person to love but love was never easy and only courageous man can love. Never fall in love with a coward. Because you deserve flowers on your doorstep. You deserve notes left on your dashboard. You deserve honesty everyday. You deserve to be reminded how beautiful you are. Don’t hate yourself because you don’t  see yourself sleeping peacefully. You don’t see yourself getting excited over things you really love. You don’t see yourself smiling. I think all the things you do are beautiful. So, wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical. The kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at anytime no matter what circumstances. The person who will be brave enough to let the whole world know how much he loves you. Wait for the person who can make you smile like no one else and when you smile you know that they need you. Wait for the person who is not ashamed to show you off the world when you are in your sweats and a t-shirt. And most of all, wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe because that’s where you belong. Someday, someone will receive the love you can give and give it back to you as well. Someday, someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you’ve never seen, they’ll look at you like you’re everything they’ve been looking for their entire lives. Wait for that person. Someday, you’re going to have someone who forgets who he is when he is with you. Someone who can make you forget everything else. Someone who does the most random thing just to make you laugh. Someone you can fall asleep with and wake up to. Someone you can joke around with and end up smiling everytime. Someone who is going to give you that feeling of happiness again.  But, for now, do not hate what you don’t understand. Maybe someday you will understand why things can’t work out for you. Someday, you will find someone who loves you, cherishes you and values you. But, they have to know your value in order to value you. They can only know your worth if you know your worth. So, don’t let this break you. Someday he’ll realize that he should have bought you flowers and held your hands; Given you all his hour when he had the chance. But, for now, just stand up, put your head up, wipe your tears, put your red lipstick on, comb your hair, smile and walk away. You are now a heartbreak closer to loving that someone because he loved you first and because he loves you more.

For now, let’s work on having an awesome 2014.

Loving you always,

2014 Version of you

HOPE

What’s going on? What’s wrong with you? Why are you feeling down since Sunday? I thought attending the mass and having a quiet moment in the Adoration Chapel will help you get over that mountain of emotions you’re trying to overcome? But why are you still like that? Do you think it’s still normal to feel that way?

Lately, I have been noticing that you sleep a lot. Remember that one time when you went to a coffee shop with friends and you’re not even aware that you fell asleep? They just woke you up when it’s time to go home. Seriously, did you just go there to sleep? And, the moment you opened your eyes you felt lost and clueless of what happened that night. That’s why you are so surprised when a video of you sleeping came out the next day. And, last Monday night, you slept earlier than usual but still felt like you didn’t get enough sleep the next day. And then last night, I can’t believe you slept around 8pm, on the wrong side of the bed, with your ipad playing Bo Sanchez’ talk about “Developing a Positive Mindset”. If your roommate didn’t wake you up I bet you overslept and failed to go to work. Why do you always unconsciously fall into a deep slumber? Do you find comfort in sleeping because it’s such a chore to stay awake? This is starting to bother me. Seriously.

And, you are so unmotivated these past few days. I feel like you are not in the mood to do anything or to talk to anyone (not even to your closest friends). You don’t even respond to viber messages. I don’t know what to do to you anymore. I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better. I tried but you just fall asleep everytime I try to talk to you. Sometimes I want to shake you until you wake up and see the beauty of a new day that God has given you to enjoy. I want to understand you; I really do. I want to know how one day you are in a very good mood and days later it seems like the whole world is on your shoulder. I thought you are over this stage? I thought you’ve finally found the happiness that you’ve been running after for so long. I thought you’ve had your life’s turning point? I thought you’re tired of being this way? I thought you’re tired of being sad so you just woke up one day and decided that you don’t want to be like that anymore? But, look at you now; You’re back to your old self. Do you want to be like that again? Isn’t it more enjoyable if you will just, for goodness sake, decide to be happy and not overthink things? How come some people lost someone they love and they can still wake up every morning with a smile on their faces and you who lost nothing regrets each day before you even start it?

Let me assure you. Remember what Bo Sanchez said? “The last chapter of your life has been written and it has a happy ending.” Isn’t that assurance enough for you to go on with life no matter how emotionally and mentally tired you are? Isn’t that enough for you to enjoy the rain while waiting for the rainbow? Don’t just sleep. Wake up. Screw the world. See the world. Go out with positive friends. Stop overthinking. Stop torturing yourself. Breathe in and out. Can you just realize how lucky you are to be able to do that? Stop looking for what’s lacking in your life and focus on what you have. Let go of the past and look forward to what the future can bring. It may be a little stormy now but it won’t rain forever. Find happiness in little things. Count your blessings. Let go and Let God. Develop a personal relationship with Him. Pray often because there’s no better feeling than the feeling you get after praying. I know you can’t do all these in a snap of a finger but you’ll get there. One day, you will learn how to deal with life’s disappointments and imperfections. You won’t cry yourself to sleep. You won’t feel a day feeling awful. You won’t beg people to appreciate you. You will be alright.

Never give up. HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends.

 

How-to-Motivate-an-Unmotivated-Teen

 

I will never get tired of cheering you up. But, please listen to me sometimes.

Your best friend and worst enemy,

Yourself.

P.S. I hope the days to come will be awesome. Hey, I love you, you idiot. 😀

Dear Thirty Something Me

Well, hello there! How are you businesswoman? I bet the business is doing great because you have been very busy lately. Am I right? Keep it up, girl! I know you’ve always wanted to be your own boss. You deserve all the blessings you are getting. Brace yourself, free your hands because more blessing are about to come. All your hard work and sacrifices paid off. You’re finally the captain of your own ship and be calm for you are going in the right direction.

But, don’t be too occupied. Take a break. Perhaps a trip to the beach with your long time friends will do. Shall I book that ticket to Boracay? or Cebu? or La Union? or maybe you want to try Phuket? Come on and book that flight before your much anticipated trip to Paris. Oh, Good time. Lucky You!

Oh, before I forget, how are the twins? Are you enjoying motherhood? They are so cute. Adorable. I can’t stop looking at them especially when they are asleep. It still amazes me how much God trusted you with the lives of those little babies on your hands. They are perfect. I know sleepless nights are hard but I can read on your face how happy you have become since they were born. How’s ???? as a first time dad? I bet he is thrilled too. Whenever I picture a happy family I always think about yours. Your house is full of love and happiness.

Okay, gotta go. I need to run some errands. Grocery shopping is always fun. And, I think I will do some shopping too.

I Love You. I can’t wait to be you.

Oh life, the best is yet to come. Cheers!

Love,

Twenty Something You