I have been in an emotional turmoil these past few months. It is crazy. I couldn’t even think straight. I am an emotional disaster in the most beautiful kind of way.
But, at the same time, a disaster is still a disaster. There’s no way to sugar coat it. I am a mess and it took me a lot of courage to admit that.
So, that’s it. There you go. I am a mess. What do we do now?
What did I do?
Even though I have heard a million times that isolation won’t help. I isolated myself countless times. I just know that I cannot stand being in a crowd.
So, I began choosing when to show up.
I tried to enjoy my own company in the comfort of my tiny room. And yes, I surprisingly did.
There were days I felt my room is a sanctuary. I never wanted to leave it.
But there were days I felt like it was a prison cell. I was confined with my own toxic thoughts.
Until one day, it consumed me. I became lost. I did everything to redeem myself.
I tried doing things that usually make me happy but failed.
I watched feel good films, documentaries, etc but failed.
I tried eating everything that I crave for but failed.
So, I don’t know what can make me happy anymore.
I prayed trusting that I will be redeemed.
One time, around two in the morning, I had the most powerful prayer time. I cried it out to God. I surrendered everything that hurts. I prayed for Him to take it all away.
But, the moment I woke up, I got the opposite of everything that I prayed for.
I even remember telling God; “Lord, I don’t wanna be like Job. Please don’t test me like that.”
I was ashamed. I was ashamed of my faith. What a weakling.
Until I realized that there is something lacking in my life. I lack intimacy with God. I was blinded by my sufferings.
I was never willing to carry them. I wanted God to take them away. I kept on asking Him for an easy life. But, life is never meant to be that way. God didn’t promise that it will be an easy life. He just promised that He will be with us every step of the way.
But, I am not fine with that. I wanted an easy life. I started feeling bad. I was rebellious.
I was fighting it but I knew it wasn’t enough.
I started staying away from Him.
After a long time of isolation, I was invited to attend our household, small group prayer meeting. I set my mind, I won’t go. I will decline.
But then a friend made me realize, it wasn’t an invitation from our group leader, it was an invitation from God. Why would I say No?
With trembling knees and hesistant heart, I confirmed.
I had no expectations. I just wanted to show up and get it over with.
But, WHEN GOD SPEAKS, WE LISTEN.
God sent His message to me.