Dear Amare: Part Three

So, I told myself: “If you will love someone, may I suggest you love yourself?”

So, I did.

Maybe someday, I’ll learn how to tell you this,

“This is where the road ends for you and me. We had a good run though, didn’t we?”

That someday is when I unlearn to love you like this.

Dear Amare: Part Two

Always have, always will

This feeling that I feel

This, I can no longer bear

So please, teach me how not to care.

xoxo.

Dear Amare

In between waking up and sleeping again, there you are.

Always there. Always present. Never gone.

But, truly missed.

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I want to stop writing about you. But, every time I try to, you keep invading my thoughts; blocking everything so all I could think about is you. You always make me feel that a part of myself is missing. I think I left it with you. I need it back so I can be my complete self again. But then, I ask myself…does it mean I need you? I don’t want to need you.

The Vow: An Excerpt

If there is a song that could perfectly describe my process of waiting for you it would be Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years”. I know it’s quite a cliché because that song has been used in many weddings during its era. But, hey, I died everyday waiting for you. Darling, don’t you know that I have loved you for a thousand years and I’ll love you for a thousand more.

I knew I loved you before I met you. In fact, I missed you even though we have never met each other yet. Have you experienced that feeling of homesickness for a place that you have never been to? I ached for you every day. I have always longed for your warm embrace. I craved for your gentle kisses every morning when I wake up. Every time something good happens to me, I always wished that you are there to share the happiness with me or share the sadness when it strikes. I imagined us cuddling in bed all day on a lazy Friday. I imagined you sitting on my couch while waiting for the dinner that I have prepared for you. I imagined you telling me I am a good cook even though we both know that I am only good at frying eggs and sausages. But, you appreciate me trying to cook a decent meal. I imagined us doing things together every day except when we need a time out from each other and be with our own set of friends. I imagined you meeting my family for the very first time. I imagined you getting along with them because you know that they love you. I imagined you meeting my best friends and dealing with awkward glances of the women in my life. I imagined you excusing yourself to go to the toilet when the truth is you just want to secretly send me a message that my friends are crazy and you feel a bit awkward around them. Without you knowing it, I’ll tell my friends about it and you’ll be surprised because by the time you get back on the table, you’ll find a totally different set of people. They’ll be nicer and more accommodating because that’s really how they are. No more awkward glances because the truth is, they really like you. I imagined us going home together and you’ll tell me how much you enjoyed the night. I imagined you giving me a goodnight kiss as you watch me close the front door of our house. I imagined an “I miss you already” text message just a second after we said goodnight. And, the “I love you” before we sleep and the “I love you in the morning” when we wake up.

Okay, I know that’s kinda cheesy. But, who doesn’t love cheese?

They told me to dance with God because when I do, He will only let the worthy man to cut in. I am more than glad that finally, God let you cut in. It took us endless dances before He finally gave me to you. I almost thought that the dance would never end. I turned down some guys who invited me for a dance because I knew that they will never be you. Because I know that someday, you will come. And here you are. Real and tangible. Now that you are finally in my life and we are dancing even though we don’t really know how. I don’t care if you step on my foot. We’ll figure it out together. We can change the music if we have to. Or we don’t really have to dance. We just have to stand still hand in hand, look into each other’s eyes and read each other’s lips.

If you’ll ask me how long will I love you… I’ll love you for a thousand years…and longer if I could.

To be continued…

Cheeseburger

Last night, I craved for a cheeseburger. I thought how nice it would be to have you around to buy me one. How easy and nice life would be if I have you as a constant run to person. A comfort zone. A secret hiding place. But instead, I found myself walking along the dark pavements of the street going to the nearest restaurant. I got myself a cheeseburger. After eating it, my craving isn’t satisfied. Then I realized, it wasn’t cheeseburger that I was craving for. I was craving for you.

That Place Called Qatar

“Kapag nagkapera ka eh gusto mo na lang gumawa ng pera tapos marerealize mo eight years na ang lumipas.” – Anthony to Mace, That Thing Called Tadhana The Movie

(When you make money, you’ll want to make more of it. Then, you’ll realize, it has been eight years.)

In my case, six years. I celebrated my 6th year anniversary in Qatar last February 26. I can’t believe it has been six years since I left my country with high hopes for a greener pasture and a brighter future. It is more than the years I spent in college. I don’t even know how it passed. It’s like I just woke up one day and I am not as young as I was before. Here I am now. Living on my own, paying my own bills and working hard to get what I want. Yeah, total independence. It’s funny how we rush into growing up believing that it is more fun and fulfilling not knowing that growing up means stepping out of your comfort zone and dealing with every cruel things this world has to offer.

“Aren’t we supposed to be great by this time?” Mace to Anthony. After watching this romantic comedy film, that line got me thinking. Am I really supposed to be great by now? Am I supposed to be successful? Am I supposed to be living the dream? What is greatness anyway? What is success? And yeah, what are my dreams? Or…do I even have one?

Six Years ago, I remember the first time I left. I had a bag full of dreams which I carried with me. The 30 kg baggage allowance isn’t even enough to bring all of them. But, I carried them all in my heart and they survived the 9-hour flight from Manila to Doha. At that time, I felt like I can conquer the world. The independence is quite liberating. It makes you believe that you can do everything you want. But, I was wrong. It wasn’t a walk in the park. It wasn’t as easy as I believed it would be. In fact, it was harder than I thought. My first year was filled with problems. The struggle in finding a fulfilling job, frustrations, homesickness all rolled into one. The succeeding years didn’t get any better. I still have to deal with same problems plus more. The struggle in staying in a job that I hate, frustrations, homesickness, money, family and relationship issues. Things are just falling apart one by one. I have told myself for so many times that I don’t want to do it anymore. Every time I will go home for an annual leave, I always tell myself that I will not be coming back. But, every time, I always find myself inside the plane going back to the place that I ought to forget. With tears in my eyes, I always watch the Philippine lights until they disappear from my sight.

It has been six years now. It’s amazing how I got this far. I don’t know how but I am glad I made it this far. I have always thought that I put my life into waste by staying here. I guess I became too busy making money to buy superficial happiness without noticing how time flies. I was too busy making money that I can’t enjoy. I was too busy making money not for myself but for those who are counting on me. It was a fulfillment for me to give back to my parents. But, as time goes by, I realize that I am losing my dreams. I don’t know how to dream anymore. I always imagine how my life would turn out if I didn’t take that flight to Qatar; if I didn’t agree to come here; if I gave up on my first year; if I didn’t do the things I did. Would I be happier? That will always be a mystery. Because this is where I am now, this is where I’m supposed to be, this is where God intended me to be. Yes, I spent six years of my life here. I still don’t own a house or a car or anything grand. I still fall short sometimes. I don’t have a career that I can proudly tell the world about. I haven’t done anything extraordinary. All I have are experiences, insecurities, learnings, realizations, triumphs and failures.

A friend once told me, “If I will be miserable, I should at least be miserable in a place that I like.” Friends always ask me why I keep on coming back if I don’t really want to. Why am I staying here if I can choose to go back home anytime? It’s true. It’s so easy to take the last flight out. To turn my back on this country and just leave everything behind and to never look back again. But, then I thought, Qatar made me stronger in every sense of the word. Qatar taught me many lessons, sometimes the hard way, that I will never forget. Qatar might have been tough on me but Qatar lead me to where I am supposed to be, to the people that, one way or the other, changed me. Qatar made me who I am.

I don’t know how long I would stay here. Maybe a year or two. Maybe another six years. I don’t really know. Would I do it differently if I could go back and rewrite the past? Maybe not… hmmm? On a second thought, maybe a few minor revisions would be helpful.

Are we really supposed to be great by this time? We are already great. We just haven’t realized it yet.

By the time I wave good bye to Qatar, God knows when, it will be bittersweet. But, just like before, I will  carry all my fulfilled, unfulfilled and even my forgotten dreams in my heart as I take that last flight out. With tears in my eyes, I will watch the Qatar lights as they disappear from my sight. I can’t wait for that day. Oh, I just realized, I never stopped dreaming. Because going back home for good has always been my dream.

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9:59

There I was, sad and blue

Hoping that I would hear from you

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years

They all passed, still waiting for you, my dear

No sights of you

No signs of you

Still hoping that you would say my name

Yeah, I know it’s lame

I’m not ashamed

You will not be blamed

Did I ever cross your mind?

Would you just please be kind

Did you ever think about me?

Gosh, if these thoughts could kill me

Maybe you’ll have reasons to at least miss me

But here I am, still alive

Until the clock strikes at nine fifty nine

You said a name but still, it wasn’t mine

Hoc Etiam Transibit

My life has always been a constant struggle. Problems come one after the other and sometimes, they come all together at once. ‘When it rains, it pours.’ they say. I guess, they are right.

I had one of the toughest weeks last week. I won’t go into specifics but I felt heavier than usual; like the whole world is on my shoulder and I cannot carry it anymore. But I had to go out there, fake a smile and talk to people to show the world that I am fine but deep inside I was trembling, shaking, slowly dying. I just wanted to let it all go because the longer I carry it, the heavier it gets and I was afraid that I can only take so much and that time, it was already too much for me to bear, so I just wanted to get lost in my own world because I might break down at any moment because I just feel so weak and I didn’t know what in this world can fix me. So, I took my time to be broken by hiding from people and wallowing on my bed all week long. I literally shut everything off to befriend my exhaustion. It wasn’t fun but it helped.

I think everyone goes through that phase once in a while; The need for space, for solitude and for some peace and quiet. I needed mine last week and when you need something, sometimes, the whole universe conspires to give it to you. I spent my whole week thinking of ways to fix myself and everything that is broken in my life. I thought about it really hard but I didn’t come up with any answers.I felt like I just wasted one whole week of shutting people out during the time that I need them the most. That moment of despair made me hate myself. I was so down that I didn’t even have the time to appreciate the sun rays beaming through my windows or the hope a new day brings. As days passed, though I spent my everyday in bed, I became more tired and restless. Our self is our own and worst enemy. I started to hate the person that I have become. I hated how I isolate myself from friends, I hated myself for thinking that I can deal with it alone and I don’t need any help. I hated myself for compromising my service, my faith. I hated myself for missing out on a lot of things just because I am busy hating myself. But, I don’t want to be a bad bacteria who is infecting the happiness of those around me. I didn’t wanna show up without my usual happy self because I don’t want them to ask. Because I don’t have any answers except for the excuse that I am just exhausted. It’s funny how people say they’re just tired instead of admitting that they are not okay. I didn’t know that time how long I would do that to myself. All I knew then was, I need time; Time to figure out how to help myself; Time to regain the strength to go out there again and be with people. I came to a point of total Isolation and it was really hard to get out of that darkness. I knew that I need someone to pull me from where I am just so I can still see the beauty of life once again. The beauty of my brokenness. Because being broken gives us the opportunity to be hugged by God. There were times that I knew that I can only turn to God and no one else because only God has the answers to my questions. I cried to Him. I asked Him my why’s and how’s and even when’s.

“No one understands like Jesus.”

I finally had the willingness to do the usual things I do; to go out there, meet friends, laugh with friends. I attended a worship workshop and no matter how clouded my heart is by helplessness, God picked me up, hugged me and reassured me that no matter what I am going through, if I i will surrender it all to him, it will get better. I cried whatever tears I have left to cry. I broke down. I offered Him my weaknesses. He must have carried me because I felt instantly lighter. I am not totally okay but at least now I know what can fix me. The grace of the Lord will, in ways that is unknown to us. We just have to be obedient and believe that…

This Too Shall Pass

…and it did.

Just Because It is Valentine’s Day and I Should Write About Love

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Today is Valentine’s Day. It is the time of the year when lovers show more affection towards each other, when flower shops run out of flowers, and when chocolates are given away to express love. But, for me, it is the time of the year when my newsfeed is filled with sweet nothings while I eat whatever amount of chocolate I could just to supply my body enough serotonin to keep my mood up. Wouldn’t it be nice to be in a relationship with chocolate? It can instantly make you happy. Just kidding.

I attended a Valentine Party last night. I was really hesitant to go and I was not in the mood to dress up. But, for the sake of friendship I managed to put on my little black dress and made it to the party. For some reasons, I was not in my “party mood” last night. I was glued to my seat the whole night. Well, aside from the fact that my shoes are not as comfortable as I wanted them to be, I just din’t feel like dancing the night away. All night, I was praying for the night to be over so I can just sleep the strange feeling off. The party was nice and lively. It is just not for me and I have never felt so pathetic for being like that. Well, blame it on the hormones. Such a kill joy. (I hate you, hormones!)

The night ended earlier than I expected. I couldn’t be more thankful that I reached home before midnight. It is not because I have a stepmother  waiting for me but because I don’t wanna carry the strange mood until the next day. On a quiet night like last night, there is no perfect thing to do but pray. I prayed to God to give me a restful sleep and to answer whatever questions I have in His perfect time.

God’s answers to our questions is only a prayer away.

Valentine’s Day. 5:45 AM. I snoozed my alarm off for 10 more minutes before I woke up from a restful slumber to a bright and brand new day. “What a lovely day. I won’t let anything ruin this day. So, hormones, please back off.” I told myself as an affirmation. But, bitterness sets in. Seeing hearts, chocolates and flowers all over every social media site makes me think “Why don’t I get those?”. Worse, my cousin from Oman asked me a favor of buying flowers for her girlfriend and to deliver it straight to her doorstep. After work, I went straight to the flower shop. I picked some pink roses as requested. Later on, I noticed that I am the only girl in the flower shop. I wonder if people thought that I was buying flowers for myself on Valentine’s Day because I am not blessed with someone who will bring me flowers. Who cares?! I am doing my cousin a favor because I want him to be happy. I don’t care what they think. I don’t care about anything. I don’t care about Valentine’s and flowers and chocolates! Okay, that’s me being carried away by my bitterness. Of course, I care. I care about love. I care about people expressing their love for each other because that is how it should be. Love should be expressed everyday.

Whenever I talk to God, I always let my guards down. Fresh from my bitterness, I asked God “Why can’t I have that kind of love? the kind that sends me off my feet, the kind that removes any doubts and fears in my heart, the kind that makes me look into the world in a different perspective, the kind that assures me that I am worthy of being loved in return.” That moment, I was vulnerable. And God knew that He has to speak to me. He did. I opened my “Our Daily Bread” booklet.

February 14: Second Best?

“Though she felt unloved by her husband, perhaps she now realized she was greatly loved by God.”

I guess there will always be a point in our lives when we will feel bad for always being the second best or for doubting our own capacity to love and be loved. It is normal because everybody desires to be loved. But, never let it bring you down. The greatest love that we can ever receive is the love from the Almighty One. The one who knows all our imperfections but loves us anyway. The good thing about His love is that it is free. You don’t have to look good, to give flowers or chocolates just to gain it. You don’t have to prove yourself worthy of it. Because this love has always been yours from the very beginning. God loves us and it is more than enough.

I am not being a hypocrite here and telling you that a love from other humans is unessential and unnecessary. It is. In fact, this world, though full of wonderful things, is still way too cruel that we need this kind of love to survive. This love somehow assures us that we are good enough, that we will never have to go through this life alone. The love that somehow makes us feel whole. I have been wanting to experience this love ever since I learned how to fully open my heart to love. And, I thank God for taking too much time on preparing me and my future God’s gift for the time that we will finally go through this life together.

“You don’t marry your great love, you marry your true love.”

Assured. That’s how I felt after reading that. Though I have never been to any official relationship, I have never denied myself the right of loving. I have loved and have been denied a few times but never did I think about giving up on this crazy little thing called love. The chase is the most exciting part of it. The chase towards my true love. I have loved a few wrong people greatly; more than what they deserve I guess. I have done crazy things for the sake of love. There were love stories which I thought were great enough that it could actually be a reality and last forever but didn’t. There have been times that I cried for unknown reasons for a love that I thought was great but actually wasn’t. Because this love isn’t true. Because this love isn’t for me so God marked it “Not my will” and asked me to let go of it so I won’t keep hurting myself.

“But, God, I want this. Nothing will be greater than this.” I insisted. I begged.

“It can’t be great if it isn’t true, my child.” God told me.

Then, I told myself, no matter how cliche this statement is “if you wanted the wrong one so much, imagine how it would feel when the right one comes along.”

So, instead of wanting the wrong love which we thought was great, let’s just wait for our one true love and make the greatest love story ever told. A great love may not always be true, but, a true love can always be great.

“It is impossible for a love like yours, that overwhelming kind of love that flows out from you, to not catch on anywhere or anyone. It is bound to be reciprocated, not necessarily by the person for whom it was intended but I’m sure it will go full circle back to you.” – That Thing Called Tadhana

Happy Valentine’s Day! <3 God is wrapping His gift for you; He just can’t choose the best wrapper yet because you deserve something special. Enjoy waiting.