Post-Test

You are a post-test I hope I’d pass.

An unnecessary heartache I hope won’t last.

As I unstuff my life, I hope you’ll be the first one to go.

Because you’re hurting me more than you’ll ever know.

But, no, I do want you to stay.

I’ll just pray for this feeling to go away.

You are a post test.

And you leave me restless.

In Search of Something

Soul Searching:

noun. deep and anxious consideration of one’s emotions and motives.

Twenty six days ago I posted about my so called soul searching. It would have been finished by now if I just started it the moment I said I would. But, my thoughts weren’t organized. No matter how hard I try, I can’t put my thoughts into writing. I was frustrated. I still am. But, I have to fight against my frustrations. So, here I am now, with my still unorganized thoughts and lack of words, facing my computer screen, squeezing every amount of creative juice inside my head, looking back on the days that passed, writing. Ah, it has been a while. So, let’s start.

It was a normal evening. The pre-summer breeze doesn’t burn that much. I was sitting inside a coffee shop all by myself while waiting for a friend. I pulled a couch and faced it towards the view of people inside cars rushing to go home, the blinking of traffic lights from green to orange to red, the traffic jam and the impatient people, the dark sky and the tiny dots of stars, the vast horizon of the unknown. I was facing towards everything and anything that my eyes can see. I felt so small and ,not to mention, irrelevant. There is a big world out there that needs to be explored. There are a lot of stories waiting to be told. There are reasons why those people were rushing to go home. We all carry our own burden. No story is ever the same. I am just a tiny dot in this big big world. I could disappear at that very moment and no one would ever notice. Truly irrelevant.

I was so full of myself. I only listen to what I have to say. I only mind my own feelings. And, all this time, I was thinking that the world is against me. I did not realize that the only thing that is against me is myself. I was so focused on myself and I failed to realize that myself is just a tiny dot in this chaotic world. Things started to not make sense to me anymore. It seems like I don’t understand a thing.

That night, my friend and I talked about basically anything. We jumped from one topic to another. We talked about our dreams, our pains, our sentiments, our burdens and disappointments. We told each other stories of our lives; about past hurts and triumphs. Everyone has a lot of stories to tell if we will only sit down and listen for a while. If we will only let others talk. There is a time for you to share your own stories, too. I found it strange retelling stories that I chose to forget; telling stories of sentiments that I chose not to acknowledge. But, that night, I came to a realization that I have gone through a lot in life and I survived them all. I realized that sometimes, problems really do reoccur until we learn. I have been dealing with the same old struggles ever since I can remember and it pains me to know that I never learned,  I refused to learn. What is there to learn anyway? What is life trying to tell me? What is the relevance and significance of the tiny dot that I occupy in this world? Is there gonna be more to life?

I don’t know if I have enough enthusiasm to find out. But, I am here and I want a relevant existence. Thus, the search begins. I am now acknowledging my need for understanding my emotions.

“Lord, empty me of myself so I will be filled with You.”

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Dear May

May is the month of meaningful exhaustion.

Sleepless nights.

Real Talk.

Stories over coffee.

Waking up in the morning struggles.

Unplanned taxi rides.

Writing frustrations.

Unorganized Thoughts.

And everything in between.

Sometimes, you just ask yourself if it is all worth it.

You don’t have an answer.

But, a little voice inside you says…

“Enjoy people instead of things. Be a friend. Overuse I love you.”

So, you dragged yourself out of bed.

Sleepwalked your way to the bathroom.

Took a bath.

Seized the day.

Sleep is not an option.

But, you whispered to yourself, maybe June will be different.

And, you agreed.

Dear Self

You can do it.

You can find the right words.

You can write something.

Come on.

Concentrate.

Write about your sleepless nights.

Write about snoozing your alarm every morning.

And jumping out of bed because you are late for work.

Write about your battles in the silent chambers of your soul.

And how you try to fight the monsters under your bed every day.

Yes, every day.

Write about your fears, hope, dreams and doubts.

Write about anything.

Write. Just write.

Why? Because you can.

The Rebirth of Summertime Sadness

Can you feel it? The burning sensation of the summer heat?

It’s exciting and alarming all at once.

It causes my heart to beat faster than usual remembering that one summer in my life. That summer that is different from any other summer. That summer when the heat burned twice as much or even more; because it burned not just my skin but also my heart. It left me some scars. It haunts me every now and then like a horror story with an open end. Nobody knows what happened to the characters. Nobody knows what happened next. Nobody knows what happened after she stopped crying behind closed doors. Nobody knows what happened during winter and how she convinced herself that she’s fine. Nobody understands what really happened. Nobody tried.

My mind is so full of voices saying “Find out what happened. Open that door again. It’s not yet the end. Remember everything. Rewrite it. Choose how it ends.” I am overwhelmed by my own thoughts that I forget the much quieter voice saying “Keep calm because it’s over.”

I don’t know why am I remembering this now. But, every time the sun beams at me, it brings sadness that I don’t understand. Every time I stare at it, I see you and it hurts my eyes. I can always choose to look away but I keep on looking because that is my only way to remember you. Because that is who you are, a painful memory.

Then, I remember winter, the cold breeze that calmed my soul, the freezing cold that numbed my heart, the comforting warm hugs that melted the ice that imprisoned my heart and set it free, the strong wind that blew every bad memory away, the gloomy nights that allowed me to cry and gave a much deeper meaning to loneliness, the longer nights that enabled me to hug myself longer in bed (self love).

I think about all the good things that happened right after that summer. They’re so good, I don’t really wanna know what truly happened on that particular summer at all.

Summertime Sadness? Uhhmmm… how about No?

Praying Friends

“I need the prayers of those I love while traveling on life’s rugged way; That I may be true and faithful and live for Jesus everyday.”- Vaughn

I was told before that the best kind of friend is a praying friend; which I have proven to be true.

Love and Other Fears

It was clear. I am afraid to love.

Not just to love, but to love him.

He is  so fragile, so delicate

so lost yet so good to be true.

Maybe he is broken, or maybe not.

Maybe he just carries something deep inside,

that people, even himself, do not understand.

I am afraid to love him because I am afraid of failure.

That maybe I am not the one he needs.

He is a  forest and I am just a girl who loves to wander

but is really terrified to get lost.

So I walked away and never looked back.

Because I was afraid.

I was afraid to embrace and to let go of what matters most.

Dear Mirage

It was the longest journey I have ever traveled. Yet, traveling with you made it the shortest.

I wished the road was endless even if it leads nowhere.

It was the shortest affair I’ve ever had. But, in that short moment I experienced forever.

Some infinities are bigger than other infinities, John Green said.

I tried to make it last as much as I can.

In that moment, I swear I was infinite

But, it’s over before I knew it.

Exit

Exit: noun. A way out. I had this conversation with a friend a while ago. He told me “sabi nila minsan gagaan if i-try bitawan yung nagpapabigat.” (They said, sometimes, it will be lighter if we will let go of the things that are weighing us down.). Then, we found ourselves talking about exits. This is what I told him, “We have this thing called emergency exit…this exit is for those who want to go out for a while to rest even if they are still far from the final exit. We also have the fire exit… this is for those who need to go out even if they don’t want to yet just because it’s not healthy for them to stay inside. Lastly, the final exit. You can’t avoid this one because this is the end of the road. It’s not important whether you win or lose; what’s important is you reached this point which means you didn’t give up. That still makes you a winner.”

I guess most of us are caught in the middle most of the time. Torn between decisions that could either make or break us. Torn between two lovers. Torn between someone who loves us and someone we love. Torn between pursuing and just admiring from afar. Torn between wants and needs. Torn between staying in a job we hate and passing that resignation letter. Torn between whether to keep going or give up. The line is endless. People will constantly be torn in between things because that’s what life is about; it’s about making decisions, about taking chances, about choosing what is best for us.

“Sa bawat isang bagay na pinipili mo, meron kang libo-libong bagay na tinatalikuran.” (In every single thing that you choose, you have thousand things to abandon.) This is why we should be wise in making our choices because we can’t undo things once it’s done. The only thing left for us to do is to face the consequences of our decisions. But, the truth is, there is no right or wrong decision, we just have to make a decision and make it right. Do whatever it takes to make it right. It’s either you win or you learn.

I am not a risky person. I always play it safe. I always settle. I always think that what I have is exactly what I deserve. Maybe that’s why I don’t always get what I want. That sucks. Yeah, it does.

But, until when should we really fight for what we want? When should we give up? When should we head to the exit? Which exit should we take? Emergency exits are everywhere. It’s an unlimited lifeline. When things get harder to bear, you don’t necessarily have to let go or to stop. Rest is a must. It allows you to think clearer. To think about your next steps until you’re ready to go inside again. Do whatever it takes to win. But, when it really gets too tiring without any sight of the silver lining and you are so exhausted in finding the right way out to the point that you are losing yourself along the way, I guess it’s time to take the fire exit before you get burned. Burns cause permanent scars. Scars are good, though. They remind you that you fought a good fight. A scarred soldier fought the hardest. Good job. Not getting what you want doesn’t mean you lost the battle, sometimes, losing means winning. You’ve just won yourself back. You have learned how to acknowledge defeat by knowing when to stop. Then, here comes  the final exit. This is where it all ends. This is the finished line. This is the sign that you made it. That even if you took the fire exit, it still lead you here. Pat yourself at the back. You were great in there. If you’re lucky enough, sometimes, life lets you go out of the final exit with the prize in your hand. Hold it with pride. You deserve it. Enjoy it. Take care of it. But, really, just the fact that you made it through every agonizing part of the journey and you made it at this point, you’ve already won. Not all winners have trophies, some only have lessons. Take the final exit. Go out with pride. Proceed to the next journey. After all, every exit is an entrance to somewhere else. You’ll never know what the next journey will bring. Maybe you never get what you wanted because you are meant to get something better. Something that you deserve and who deserves you too. Something that will make all the scars, rejections and pain worth it. By that time, I assure you, you will never have to let go.

So, to you, my friend, keep going. The road may still be long but keep going. As what you’ve said, don’t lose a battle without a fight. See you at the end of the line.

Dear Amare: Part Four

I hope you realize that I am not a complicated girl. I don’t want anything fancy. You don’t have to buy me diamonds or give me the stars. I won’t demand for flowers or anything that sparkles. You don’t have to make poems or write me songs. I don’t need them.

I just want to cuddle. Talk. Fall in love. Eat cotton candy flavored ice cream (cookies and cream would be good,too.) Back pack our way to infinity and beyond. Gaze at the stars and make a wish. And, mark you with a red lipstick as I whisper “you’re mine” as you envelope me with your loving arms. I swear, I’ll never feel safer anywhere else but there.

That’s all I need. You’re all I need.