Dear Mister

You have no idea what I feel about you. You have no idea that I care about you a lot. I think you’re cool without trying too hard. I think you have a sexy mind. You have no idea how you make me happy and sad at the same time. You have no idea how fast the butterlies move in my stomach when I hear from you. I am scared to tell you I like you but I realize that what’s really scary is not telling you when I have the chance. You have no idea how much I cried for you. You have no idea how crazy I get at times knowing that you might not feel the same. You have no idea of the tears I always try to hide. You have no idea how much I miss you…I miss us. You have no idea how you’ve grown on me as the time went by. You have no idea how much you’re hurting me. You have no idea what you really mean to me.

Or maybe you already have an idea…you just chose not to care. Or maybe you’re really scared that it won’t work,

I am now letting go of all the things I imagined about us. I am now letting go of my feelings for you. I am choosing happiness by letting go of you.

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Dear Ex-Future Lover

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“It was when I met you when I understood love songs. I understood why heartbroken people cried and why they stayed away from everyone when their hearts shattered because they needed their space to fill it with the memories to bring their hearts’ pieces together. It was when I met you when I understood what love was all about and why people stayed late at night thinking about someone.”

I knew you were a bad idea the first time I felt that I am attracted to you. Yes, it was wonderful to feel that silly and tickly feeling but it scared me because I never felt that way before. I understood what they say about having butterflies in your stomach. You know what? I opened my heart to you. I put my guards off. I crashed the walls I spent my whole life building just so I can protect my heart from pain. I almost let you in only if you had told me that you wanted to. I liked a few guys before but I didn’t find them worth the risk. You were the first guy who made me feel like I am ready for this crazy little thing called love. To be completely honest with you, I never liked you the first time I met you. I don’t have a type but you’re certainly not my type. But, I have learned to gradually like you as time goes by. The more we talk, the more I appreciate you. I never liked you for your looks or for any superficial reason. I like you for your words. You always talk with sense and you are not full of yourself. I fell for your mind. You don’t talk for the sake of talking. You always know what to say, when to say it and how to say it. You listen more than you talk. That makes you different from any other guys. That’s when I felt the ‘magic’ that I have been searching for. I can’t even remember when I started to like you. I just woke up one day and thoughts of you excite me and my conversations with friends were all about you. My mom and my friends liked you, did you know that? You were my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I talked about you like you put the stars in the sky. I talked about you a lot and we all know that when you talk about people a lot you will start to like them even more. I did. Without me knowing, I fell for you. As much as I don’t want to, I fell for you. And, I really thought it was okay because I thought you’ll be there to catch me. But, you were not. How could you not pursue me after making me feel like we have a chance? That at some point you liked me too. I waited for you. I thought maybe you’re just scared or uncertain if I will like you back. But, then I came to realize that you are really uncertain of your own feelings. You put me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I hate to say this but you played with my feelings. I don’t know if you did it intentionally or not but the point here is you played with my heart. Sometimes you like me, sometimes you don’t. I can’t keep up with that. I don’t want to be a doormat. I can’t just wait until you decide to notice me again. I’ve wasted so much time on you and so many feelings too. I cried a few times because of you and you didn’t even know that. Well, it was good while it lasted but it ended before it even began because when you hurt people deliberately, they begin to love you less. I never thought that it would hurt this much. I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect sleepless nights. I didn’t expect thinking about the good times we had and crying over them. I didn’t expect asking myself “What happened?”, “Where did I go wrong?”, “Did your heartbeat change?”, “Why do you have to be the one to hurt me?”. I didn’t expect creating movie scenes in my head and imagining what it would be like if we end up together. I didn’t expect praying to God and convincing Him why He should let us be together. I created a secret diary filled with unsent letters to you hoping that someday I can let you read them whether I still have feelings for you or not. I just want you to know the unspoken words because I think you deserve to know them the same way that I deserve to know your unspoken words too. I waited long enough for you to finally find the guts to tell me what you really feel but waiting is too tiring because I don’t know if I am waiting for something or not. You never gave me the assurance that I need. Instead, you handed me reasons why I should end the waiting game. It’s tough being the one who has to wait. It’s frustrating. It’s tiring. I am tired. It’s time to hit the stop button because it is not healthy for me anymore. I am not happy anymore. A friend once told me that if waiting hurts me then I should stop. That’s what I will do now. I will not avoid you. I will just stop expecting more from you. I want to save a little pride for myself. I want to save myself from more hurt. I want to bring back my old self. The girl who is not worrying if someone likes her or not; the girl who loves herself enough that she doesn’t need anyone to make her feel loved. I am in the process of bringing back what’s mine so please don’t get in the way. You always have the power to pull me back whenever I move forward. Just a simple message from you sends me off my feet and I suddenly go back to zero. Thoughts of you make me smile and cry at the same time. Sometimes I think we could have been a good pair. But, most of the time I just make myself believe that we’re better off as friends. I have to let myself go by letting go of whatever feelings I have for you. I don’t know how long it will take before I can fully recover. I know it will not happen overnight. I will take my time. I will fix myself. I will be over you.

Please know that I don’t hate you. What I am feeling now is neither bitterness nor hate. I am not bitter and I am not angry, I am hurt. And being hurt is a totally different story. And, I can’t sue you for a crime that you are not aware you committed. So let’s just leave it like that.

I still want to thank you for being nice to me. Thank you for the random conversations that we used to have. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for making me feel special at some point. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Thank you for making me realize that I am capable of liking someone. Thank you for being the person that you are. Thank you for the fond memories. Thank you for always trying to make me laugh. Thank you for being my inspiration for a good amount of time. Thank you for hurting me because you made me realize my worth. You made me realize that maybe I deserve someone better so I should not rebuild those walls around my heart that I crashed just to let you in. Thank you for making me realize that I shouldn’t believe everything I tell myself. Thank you for the permanent scars. Thank you for being my first heartbreak. I am now a heartbreak closer to my happily ever after. Thank you for teaching me how to let go of something I like (or even love). It’s hard to wait for nothing but it is even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want. But, you taught me lessons about giving up when it’s already pulling you down. By the time that I recover from this, I know I will just laugh about it. Maybe someday I will decide to tell you “Once upon a time, I loved you.” And we will both laugh about it. You are now part of my history. Your part of the story ends here. I still wish you all the best. I hope someday I will see you with someone you fought for. Maybe I am not worth the fight. But, I hope someday you and I will meet the person that we would do everything for.

Here’s just a piece of advice. If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you’re scared that it’s not the right thing. Even if you’re scared that it will cause you pain. Even if you’re scared that it will burn your life to the ground. You say it. You say it out loud because she deserves to know. Because maybe she loves you too even if she’s scared. Always follow your heart because the heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to those things. You meet someone and you fall in love then that’s it. Don’t wait to regret it because you know what? When you turn your back on someone you love you have to travel all the way to her again just to win her again especially when she has moved on. I never want you to lose the girl who lost her breath chasing after you. Please don’t let the moment pass you by again.

But, despite and inspite everything, could we still be friends? Because I miss the friendship more than anything. And if you ever get sad or lonely and you need someone to listen. You know where to find me. </3

The butterflies just died. Goodbye.

Dear 2013 Version of Myself

How are you? I am so glad I finally had the chance to write to you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I know it is eight days late but it doesn’t matter.

I would like to pat your back for a job well done. You survived 2013. You survived one long year of not being home. A lot of life altering moments happened last year, right? I bet it was a memorable year for you. You deserve more than a pat on the back for that.

You’ve been through a lot last year. Last year was all about epic highs and devastating lows. You spent half of last year miserable and I almost thought you can’t get over it. I almost thought you’ll spend the whole year regretting everything, holding grudge against people, cursing people silently, fighting that battle in the silent chambers of your soul, wishing you could turn back time and do things differently, wishing you didn’t trust people that much, wishing you were a different person. Well, you know what? I am glad you didn’t wish to be a different person because, believe it or not, I love you just the way you are. You are a strong woman with a very high tolerance to bullshit and that helped you survived half of 2013.  Then, you decided you will cut your hair shorter than usual. You were afraid and hesitant but you went for it. That was the birth of the same old brand new you. Unsure of how it would look on you, you still gave it a shot and do you remember how light you felt after that? It felt like a big chunk was taken out of your head. It felt like you unloaded a big mess that has been pushing you down for years. That haircut symbolizes the new person that you decided to make out of yourself, the better version of yourself. Then you decided to continue with the Christian Life Program of your church and you couldn’t be happier now because you did. It changed your life. It was your life’s turning point and the timing was so right. You got the chance to spend the other half of the year feeling great, feeling better and less miserable. You’ve learned to forgive people and let go of the pains they caused you. You’ve developed this different outlook in life. You started to see things differently. You met people and friends you never knew you needed. You had to sacrifice some people in your life for this and I know you’re still unsure if it’s worth it but I know you feel a lot better now. It’s like you suddenly saw the light at the end of a dark tunnel. And, you found a new best friend, Jesus Christ. And I know that you know now that the only one who can satisfy and fill that missing part in your heart is the one who created it. Go on. Develop that special bond with Him. That’s all you’ll need to have a spectacular 2014.

Every year in your life comes with lessons. Some lessons you will have to learn the hard way but some would be as easy as 1-2-3. What have you learned last year?

Let me refresh your mind.

You learned a lot about life, about love, and about yourself. Last year was not a walk in the park but each experiences taught you a lesson that you’ll never forget and lessons that will be useful to you in this brand new journey.

In Life:

You learned that it always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun because life has this cruel way to let us grow sometimes. But, wrong choices bring us to the right places. Sometimes we have to get in to get out. Sometimes we have to try in order to know because what and if are two simple words but could be so devastating when put together. You realized that you don’t want to live a life that is full of regrets so you went out of that dark cloud of emotions that has been boxing you up for the past years. You gave life a chance and you realized how happy it could be if you let happiness in. You also learned to maximize your happiness. You let go of self destruction. You stopped being too hard on yourself. The moment you  realized that there is no way out you learned how to adapt because that’s the only thing left to do.  If you don’t get it, you don’t get it; That’s what you constantly tell yourself until one day you didn’t have to remind yourself about that anymore. You learned to shrug everything off. You just woke up one day and it gets better. You just woke up that you are not broken anymore. But, who are we kidding here? You also realized that feelings that come back are feelings that never went away. You still have those days; Days when you do not even want to talk to any person on this planet (yes, not even yourself.)  That’s alright because life is not perfect. Things sometimes fall together and sometimes they fall apart. That’s alright. You’re going to have those days. It reminds you that you can still feel. You are alive. And please remember what Ezra Fitz said “You must give up a life you planned in order to have a life that is waiting for you.” Reach for it. Go with it. It will be awesome because everything happens according to the will of God. Live for the moment.  Be sad if you feel sad but do not forget to put an end to it. Leave it for a while; It will be there when you come back. Have a life that is worth writing about. Make that dash between your years matter.

Career:

You changed your job twice last year.  Finally, you went out of your comfort zone because it is doing you no good. It wasn’t that easy switching from one job to another especially in a country where switching jobs are more complicated than love. You learned that going out of your comfort zone doesn’t guarantee you a spot in the list of people who are about to live a good life. You realized that leaving a place that makes you feel miserable doesn’t mean you will not be miserable anymore. The choices you made for your career aren’t very smart choices but you are dealing with them and you are doing it very well. You still have a long long way to go before you made it to the list. I am not even sure if you’ll get there. But, screw everything. Buckle up and just enjoy the ride. Mistakes are teachers and you can’t undo them. The only thing left for you to do is to learn from them. Make them right. Your life is not measured by what you do for a living. You won’t be judged by how successful you were when you’re still alive.  You have a life outside your job so at the end of a head popping day at work, have fun. Forget about your crappy boss, forget about your unproductivity, forget about your annoying clients and officemates. Yes, your work takes too much of your time so don’t spend the few hours left feeling crappy. When you step out of that office door, you’re a brand new person. And, please be reminded that it’s your choice to stay in that job so do not complain. I am hoping you will find the courage to quit sometime this year. Goodluck!

In Love:

Well, hello there!  This is new to me. I can’t believe I am writing about this now. I couldn’t remember the last time we talked about this.  Last year was the year when you put your guards off; The year when you opened yourself up for this crazy little thing called Love. How was it? Bittersweet? Oh, honey, that’s okay. Remember what you used to say over the years? “I want to experience my very first heartbreak before I fall completely in love.” Wish granted. haha! Should I tell you now to be careful what you wish for? It hurts, isn’t it? Do you still remember that feeling? It feels like all the butterflies in your stomach just died. Not to mention that you were not even in a relationship. How depressing is that? I can’t help but laugh at you. Sorry. I knew he was trouble when he walked in. He is nice and I would still choose him over any other boys for you. But, don’t you think we should accept the fact that he isn’t the right one for you? Or maybe God is still busy working on it; God is still busy making him the right one for you. Yes, I know, you really thought you had the chance. He was  nice and sweet and thoughtful and everything that you wanted him to be but some people are really better off as friends. I know he made you feel that you have a chance to end up together and it is not your fault that he didn’t have the balls to catch you when you fell for him. How stupid are you for falling for him? Didn’t you realize that no matter how right you are for each other, it’s just never gonna work out because he is somewhere else. No matter how hard you pray for it, if it’s not meant to be it will never be so instead of succumbing into self destruction again and doing those crazy things like feeding your stuffed animals or imagining movie scenes in your head, you might as well try this thing called moving on. Maybe someday he can man up and tell you he likes you,too. Take a break from him. Stop talking to him, stop looking at things that remind you of him, delete his photos on your cellphone, delete his messages, stop asking questions that start with ‘what if’, stop being there for him when he finally had the chance to squeeze you into his busy life, forget about the nice things that he said, forget about him because you know what? Letting go hurts but holding on hurts more. Stop being his doormat. Never let him play with your feelings again. Ever. You deserve so much better. It could still be him but a better version of him because yes, he really is nice and he is the first man that you actually liked so I hope God will enlighten your path towards each other. But, for now…move forward. Don’t think that you are not good enough. Nothing is wrong with you. The timing is just off.  Maybe it will be right someday.

Let me tell you this… (I don’t own any of these words but I thought they could help.)

Find someone who traces the lines in your hands just to feel close to you. Find someone who loves the bones in your body and loves the skin you live it. Find someone who will help you love yourself. Find someone who looks at you like you are magic. It’s always better to have beasts that let themselves be killed than men who runaway.  You may not be the easiest person to love but love was never easy and only courageous man can love. Never fall in love with a coward. Because you deserve flowers on your doorstep. You deserve notes left on your dashboard. You deserve honesty everyday. You deserve to be reminded how beautiful you are. Don’t hate yourself because you don’t  see yourself sleeping peacefully. You don’t see yourself getting excited over things you really love. You don’t see yourself smiling. I think all the things you do are beautiful. So, wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical. The kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at anytime no matter what circumstances. The person who will be brave enough to let the whole world know how much he loves you. Wait for the person who can make you smile like no one else and when you smile you know that they need you. Wait for the person who is not ashamed to show you off the world when you are in your sweats and a t-shirt. And most of all, wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe because that’s where you belong. Someday, someone will receive the love you can give and give it back to you as well. Someday, someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you’ve never seen, they’ll look at you like you’re everything they’ve been looking for their entire lives. Wait for that person. Someday, you’re going to have someone who forgets who he is when he is with you. Someone who can make you forget everything else. Someone who does the most random thing just to make you laugh. Someone you can fall asleep with and wake up to. Someone you can joke around with and end up smiling everytime. Someone who is going to give you that feeling of happiness again.  But, for now, do not hate what you don’t understand. Maybe someday you will understand why things can’t work out for you. Someday, you will find someone who loves you, cherishes you and values you. But, they have to know your value in order to value you. They can only know your worth if you know your worth. So, don’t let this break you. Someday he’ll realize that he should have bought you flowers and held your hands; Given you all his hour when he had the chance. But, for now, just stand up, put your head up, wipe your tears, put your red lipstick on, comb your hair, smile and walk away. You are now a heartbreak closer to loving that someone because he loved you first and because he loves you more.

For now, let’s work on having an awesome 2014.

Loving you always,

2014 Version of you

Dear Brokenhearted Man

Before I begin let me tell you that the purpose of this letter is not to hurt you again (since sabi mo isa ka sa mga nasaktan ko), not to remind you why I didn’t give you the chance that you asked for and not to refresh your memory of all the heartaches that I caused you since you started to like me. And please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to sound “feelingera” or something. Haha!

The main purpose of this letter is to make you understand it more why it didn’t work out or why I didn’t give you the chance to prove yourself to me. And hopefully, at the end of this letter you will find yourself moving on (just in case you’re still in the same place where it ended before it even began) and enjoying what life has in store for you.

I would like to apologize for hurting you or for breaking your heart in any way. Please know that there is no easy way to break somebody’s heart and my heart breaks a little every time I break one too. But, it’s not an excuse to play with people’s feelings or give them false hopes just to avoid hurting them. One day you’ll thank me for breaking yours when you finally found THE ONE. You’ll understand why it didn’t work out with somebody else. A friend once told me “Ang love hindi yan exam na pwedeng pag-aralan.” No offense but we can never convince our heart to beat for a person that doesn’t make our hearts beat faster than usual. Some people are really better off as friends. You know what I realized? I realized that there will really come a time that we will fall in love with someone who pushes us away. After everything, they will be forever known as the person who we couldn’t get to love us no matter what we do and it normally hurts more than the heartbreak we got from broken relationships. But, never ever let it erase all the memories of those who loved you in the past. Just because a particular person didn’t love you back doesn’t mean you are not worthy of someone else’s love because you are. When someone rejected you or turned you down it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. It just means that someone else is made for you and it’s not that person whom you desire. Love gives us the power to choose whether we will hurt or love someone. And, hurting you doesn’t make me a bad person. I am not apologizing for being true to myself and to you; I am apologizing for your pain caused by my honesty. I believe that someday it’s gonna make sense and you should believe that too. I am sorry for disappointing you and if I gave you false hope and wrong signals at some point. I am sorry if I turned you down for so many times. I am sorry for all the invitations that I declined and I am sorry if I can’t like you the same way that you do. Nothing’s wrong with you. You are fine. Maybe you are just made for someone else. Maybe someone else deserves the love you have to offer and I hope you meet her soon.

I would also like to thank you for your appreciation. I never wanted to call it “love” because love is such a deep word and it takes time before you can actually say that you love a person. I appreciate that you appreciate me because not everyone does. I appreciate how you notice the little things about me, how you notice that something is wrong based on my FB posts; I appreciate how you notice the little changes I made with myself and you never fail to make sure that I know it. You noticed when I cut my hair and told me it suits me, you notice it when something’s wrong and you always find the courage to ask why. I appreciate how much you paid attention on little things about me. I appreciate your effort to make me feel special in any way you can. I don’t know if I already thanked you for that but just in case I haven’t, here it is, thank you.

To end this, I wish you all the best in life and in love. Nobody deserves to get hurt and be stuck on that painful scenario forever so I hope that you love again. I hope that someday, you will bike around somewhere, you’ll stumble and by the time you get up you will see the girl of your dreams extending her hand to help you get up from the ground. I hope that you will reach for her hand and you will let her help you. Everybody deserves to be loved. There is someone waiting for you at the end of the road and that someone is some kind of reward for all the heartaches that you’ve been through from the past for loving the wrong ones. You deserve that love because you earned it. Once you find this love, hold on to it. This kind of love won’t ever leave you behind. You are entitled to this awesome kind of love so go get it. It’s yours. Wait for it. It will be epic. I assure you that. May God bless you and your heart.

Sincerely,

Me.