Dear My Dear Part Two

You are a risk to take

A Mystery to be unfolded

The most uncertain thing I had ever known

You could be my most painful heartache

My sweetest downfall

Or my most joyful experience

You could be God’s greatest gift

Or Life’s painful lesson

You could be whatever

I can deal with that.

It just has to be you.

No one else but you.

Dear My Dear

Let’s laugh until we cry.
Let’s cry until it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Let’s pray until our prayers get answered.
Let’s talk until we fall in love.

Dear Mr. Z

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It rained last night. And this morning too. It looks like it’s going to rain some more later. It’s cold outside but not as cold as you. It keeps on raining; it’s comforting. It’s like the heaven is crying for me. It’s crying the tears that I can’t cry. Because I no longer want to waste them for you.

Winter. The season that I have been waiting for. The season that officially marks an end to my “summertime sadness”. I am letting the rain wash away the pain of yesterday. I am moving forward. With my head held high, with no regrets, just faith, hope and love. I’d like to view it this way: God saved me from future heartbreaks. God saved me from what I thought was right for me but actually not. God loves me enough to spare me from another season of sleepless nights and chaotic thoughts.

Thank you for making me feel that I am not good enough. I realized that I will always be good enough for the right person.

Thank you for overlooking me all the time. I learned to see my own goodness and appreciate my own self.

Thank you for the heartbreak. I learned how to make myself whole again.

Thank you for the heartache. I finally know my worth.

Thank you for the pain. I am now stronger that I have ever been before.

Thank you for not loving me back. I realized that you are outnumbered by the people who love me.

Thank you for the tear stains on my pillow. They are signs that what I felt was true.

Thank you for pushing me away. Who knows, maybe I was pushed towards the person who will pull me in someday.

Thank you for preparing me for the person that I will be with in God’s perfect time. I will forever thank you for all the realizations and for making me the woman I am today. The woman who will someday be loved wholeheartedly by someone that God chose for her. The woman who has so much love to give. The woman who lost her breath running after you is now gone. I am now  the woman who finally had the courage to walk away and to welcome the hope the winter season brings.

Winter. It’s gonna be one long and cold season. But, at least, it would numb the pain until I don’t feel it anymore.

Thanks to you. I am always praying for you. Someday our paths will cross again. Winter, spring, summer or fall, I will always give you the sweetest smile of all. You are my lesson learned. My realization. My metanoia. I hope you find the right kind of love that will make you forget all your fears and hesitations. I hope you find someone who will accept you for who you are. I hope someday someone would love you better. Because that’s what you deserve. Because that’s what you need. Because I’d be happy to see you with someone who loves you more than she could ever love anything and anyone. Because someday, I still want to see that smile of contentment on your face because finally love found its way to you. After all, you are still my friend.

I enjoyed the ride even if I was always in the backseat.

Sincerely,

Me.

You and I

I said I don’t want you

I said there’s nothing there

I said what I said isn’t true

I said I never really cared

You said God gave me to you

I said I don’t believe you

You said your universe revolves around me

I said stop joking with me

You said you love me

I said I love him

Your touch confuses me

I keep longing for him

You were looking at me the entire time

The entire time I was wishing he’s mine

When I try to find him, you always block the view

Showing me things you wish I knew

Finally, I realized that he’s not worthy

So I went running back to you

But, you no longer want me

‘Coz you realized that I’m not worthy of you

I’m too proud to beg you to stay

So I just let you walk away

My heart turned black and blue

I lost him and worst of all, I lost you

My Hand

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My hand reaches out for yours

The way the tides reach for the shore

Whether you’ll reach for it or not, I’m not sure

But, I’m sure your hand is what I’ve longed for

You reached for it

And I’m like a rose stung by its own thorns

I didn’t beg for it

But, when our hands touched, I was reborn

My hand was the last hand that you reached for

The last hand that overlapped with yours

The last hand you touched before you opened her door

Before you told her “Baby, you are mine and I am yours.”

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Dear Future Prince

If you are going to fall in love with me, you should clearly know what you’re putting yourself into.

Falling in love with me means falling in love with my fears, doubts, insecurities, and sudden mood swings. You are falling in love with my immaturity and sometimes nonsense and pointless thoughts.

If you are going to fall in love with me, you are falling in love with my imperfections. You should expect the unexpected food cravings that would only stop when I finally get what I want. Sometimes I would either eat your share or let you eat my left overs. You should know that I always put my fries in my burger or I dip them into my ice cream.

If you are going to fall in love with me, you are falling in love with my love for rice because it always completes my meal.

I could also be too loud sometimes and I really joke a lot. I don’t know if you like that.

I also have lots of friends who might steal our time. Sometimes, you might feel bad about it and you might question your place in my life. I am a girl who gives so much importance to friendship. Do not try to change that. But, don’t worry, I know how to compromise. I need you to know deep inside your heart that no matter how many friends I have, you will always be different; you’ll always be special.

Also, please know that I am not the easiest person to love. I have my flaws and doubts when it comes to love. Sometimes I give my all but sometimes I hold back. You should be ready for my occasional loneliness and for my constant need for love and assurance…and hugs.

You should be ready for more surprising little facts about me. You might not like all of them. Lastly, if you are going to fall in love with me, you are also falling in love with my strong love for God. You are falling in love with my strong desire for us to serve Him together. You should be ready for Friday nights and date nights spent in church. Because you can’t have me if you don’t have God.

I hope that despite all these, you will still love me anyway. Because if you are falling in love with me, you are falling in love with a love that can send you off your feet. The kind of love you never knew existed. You are falling in love with my desire to love you the best way I know and the best way I could.

You are falling in love with my comforting hugs.

You are falling in love with the glow in my eyes whenever I see you. I will look at you like you are brighter than the stars in the sky.

I will write about you a lot.

You are falling in love with consistent goodmornings, goodnights, and anything in between.

You are falling in love with my thoughtfulness and understanding.

I wouldn’t expect and demand too much from you. I will respect your personal space because I know that sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do and I am expecting you to respect mine, too. There will be times that I just want to spend time with myself because I believe that it is essential for growth. I will let you achieve your dreams and anything that you desire trusting that we know the value of time.

If you are going to fall in love with me, you are falling in love with my sometimes crazy family. But, of course, I will fall in love with yours too.

But, the best thing about falling in love with me is that you are falling in love with someone who is falling in love with you too despite her fears and doubts. Someone who will crash her walls for you and most of all, someone who will open her heart to be loved by you despite her thinking that it is impossible.

You will be my first and definitely my last.

I loved you even before I met you.

Now tell me, can I be your princess?

Let’s make love last longer than we can ever imagine.

Praying for you,

Dear Mr. Y

When it comes to you, I am constantly torn between “if it’s meant to be it will be” and “if you really want it go get it.”. Sometimes your presence gets too overwhelming and my poor little heart can only contain so much. My heart and mind are constantly arguing about letting go and holding on a little longer. Every part of my weak heart is struggling to beat for you. But my equally stressed out mind is shouting “ENOUGH!”.

To be completely honest, I feel kinda exhausted. I am too exhausted that I just don’t want to feel it anymore. Hey, loving you is exhausting. But, as exhausting as it is, I would like you to know that I’d still choose you in a million lifetimes, in a thousand worlds, and in any version of reality. I would make sure to find you and I’d choose you over and over again.

But, if your love isn’t going to be greater than your uncertainties and fears, I guess I will have to spend my million lifetimes, thousand worlds, and all my version of reality in forgetting about you. I don’t want to spend eternity holding on to my imaginary “happily ever after”. I’d rather spend my only lifetime in my own world with my only version of reality holding on to something that is real. Because that’s how it is supposed to be and that’s how it’s gonna be from now on.

Prologue

So I was there, staring blankly into a blank Microsoft Word page, thinking about a way to start a love-hate letter. I stared at it for too long that I almost became cross eyed. I don’t even know what I’m looking at anymore. I guess there’s no perfect way to start this kind of letter. I don’t know which part should come first, the hate or the love part. After a few minutes of staring at it blankly, I wrote the first word. It was his name. Just the sight of it gives me butterflies in my stomach and a heavy heart. I almost went numb. I shrug some unwanted thoughts off my head. But, the next thing I know, I’m pressing ‘backspace’ on the keyboard deleting what I just wrote. Then, I clicked on the ‘X’ on the upper right side of the screen to close the application.

“Do you want to save some changes?”
Save. Don’t Save. Cancel.

I clicked on “Don’t Save”. That was it. I am, once again, left with nothing but my unspoken words, unwritten letters and my ever silent screams and heartaches. I secretly succumb to self-destruction. I really thought that it is impossible to break a broken heart but there you are again killing every single part of my heart that feels alive. But, I made a choice. Don’t save. I chose not to save my heart.

From The Heart To The Heart

I am usually the one who writes letters to people but, this time, someone sent a letter to me and it totally melted my heart.

Dear Erika Paulette,

It is amazing how you handle your every days. I can’t imagine how hard you are going through right now but I am amazed how you compose yourself and be you. I have been meaning to write you for so long- I have already written you a letter, but pardon me for not letting you know earlier. Sorry for not sparing a quality time and ask you how you really are and intently listen to your fears and troubles. It would be my pleasure hearing your heart’s sentiments and see how human and true you are. Nonetheless, you are doing a good job being you. In times as hard as this, you can cry and feel the pain and push yourself forward to carry on, and be weak- but those are exactly the things strong people do. Strong people like you. This is to thank you for all the rubs. Rubs of love that we share; those rubs give me comfort and the assurances that I have you and sometimes, rubs are all we need. The physical touch that means someone is there.

It doesn’t matter if that someone is sad or happy, down or high. It matters only that someone is there and in spite of life’s lemons, we go on like lemons are our favorite things. It amazes me how I see myself in you- in many ways. The self that I was once before. Writing love letters and taking time to give gifts. Expressing my heart’s content and trying to make everyone around me happy. Thank you for reminding me to slow down and once again treasure the simplicity and sweetness of life. To laugh until we cry, to sing and sing and dance and dance because nothing in the world could be better than being free.

In putting smiles to our faces, in putting efforts in your sincere caring gestures, in being totally true to yourself- you are the Eckay that we all need. Yes, we need you. The world needs you. If I could clone you, I’d make so many copies of you so that the world would be a more wonderful place. You are that powerful, Ecks. God has gifted you the charm to lift up so many souls, the smile that makes people forget their troubles, the vibrant presence that reminds us of all the good there is to this planet.
Please come back soon. Take the time you need to be okay. I mean, that is okay. We all need hiatus so we could be better, bolder, and greater. We all need to face the storm even if we are afraid. We all need to move forward even if we are scarred all over. Scarred people are beautiful. Scars are signs of all the battles we have won. Battles against ourselves because those are the only legit battles we have. And this very battle you are in will be over soon. Just like any storms you have been through in the many yesterdays, this, too, shall pass. And we can’t wait to experience a rub from someone who once again won a tough war. God sees how much you are suffering and He knows what exactly you need. And, He is all that you need.

Please be comforted by the truth that God is watching you and pleased by how you are fighting this hard. A worrier becoming a warrior. I love you, Ecks and I don’t know what else to say. Just remain as BE-YOU-TIFUL as you are and everything will be fine. Soon. Hold on and hold on because one day we’ll laugh at this like this was just a stupid joke after all.

D.Tangente, 17032014.

Dear Mr. X

There are many things I want to be but when it comes to you, I just want to be the woman you’ve always dreamed of.

I want to be the woman who you’d think about whenever someone asks you a question about love. I want to be the first person who will pop in your mind whenever you hear or read the word LOVE. I want to be the love of your life. I promise you won’t regret it. I promise I won’t be complicated and we will only have awesome memories.

I want to make you happy that you ask yourself if you’re dreaming. So happy that you get a butterfly riot in your stomach whenever you hear my name. So happy that you forget about those times you were sad. So happy you forget about your scars. So happy that smiling hurts and you can’t take it off your face.

I want to be the woman you let your family meet. And, before we do that I will find you beside me, holding my hand, kissing me in my forehead and whispering “Don’t worry. They’ll love you.”. I want to listen to your mother’s story about your childhood as she showcases you baby pictures. I want to hear the things your father has to say about you. I want to hear him tease you that you should treat me the way he treats your mother. I want your sisters to like me as much as I like them. I want them to be the sisters I never had. And you, I want you to watch your family fall in love with me because I love them as much as you do. And, I want you to secretly smile as you do that.

I want to be the woman that you’ll wait for in the altar. I want to be the mother of your children. I want to be the woman you’ll wait for in the altar 50 years after. I want to be the one who will sit beside you as you tell our grandchildren about our epic love story.

I want to be the woman who makes you appreciate the world more. I want to make you see the perfection of the imperfect things. I want to see the world with you so that if there will come a time that I will have to leave you, you can feel me everywhere you go.

I want to be better than what you have imagined. I want to be more than what you have expected me to be. Too perfect that you question if I am real. I want to be the reason why you believe that God wants you to be happy so He gave me to you. I want to be anything you want me to be. I want to make you happy.

I want you to choose me, pick me, love me. And I want to be the one who loves you. I want to love you until it hurts and love you more until it hurts no more. Let me love you. Let me prove to you that no one can love you better than I do. I don’t want to sound desperate but let me. Please. Let me.

But, even if I won’t be all these, I just want to be the woman who loved you with all her heart. The woman who lost herself in loving you. The woman who is a lot stronger because she was forbidden to love you. The woman you could have had and the woman you never had.